[Ljv90]

I've had a history of depression since my early teenage years. I'm 26 now, female. Currently I'm diagnosed with an axiety disorder, depression, and some other "d" word that pretty much means generally unhappy with life.
I have seen psychiatrists for about 3 years now and feel like I'm not making progress . I recently about 8 months ago started seeing a therapist as well. Around that time I was 32 weeks pregnant and found out that the baby had died. That's why I started the therapy. It was very traumatic for me. Now I'm confused whether this is grief, depression, or something in a whole nother ball field. I want help so bad.i need it.
I'm always unhappy. I have a history of drug use (weed, OxyContin, Percocet, cough medicine recently) I'll stop using because I know I need to stop but eventually I just get tired of being good for no reward or no recognition, and I'll go back to feel happy again until I scare myself straight and stop again, currently it's just the cough medicine because somehow that seems not as bad as anything else. Nobody in my life knows that though.
I'm suicidal, I don't have the guts to kill myself I'm scared of dying. But everyday is a fight figuring out why I put up with being alive. I'm 26 I live with my parents and my 2 sons. My mother has helped me with drug addiction and has helped me since my divorce 5 years ago. She's a great help to me. At the same time I feel like if I tell my kids something and she undermines me then i blow it out of proportion and I'm maybe being dramatic but it just feels like well if everybody thinks they can do better than me raising my kids why am I even here? I constantly feel like I am worthless, not good enough, that I will always be dissatisfied with my life, that I shouldn't attempt anything because I probably can't do it anyway. I'm always losing my train of thought. Wondering what the point to my talking was. I forget the words for day to day things all the time. I forget appointments or tasks frequently. I always crave praise , I won't stop redoing the same thing or editing it until someone says it's perfect. I need validation. When I can't make something perfect. I hate myself. I feel so stupid and worthless. Nothing I do is ever enough, nothing is good enough for the people I love. I give them everything I have to "make up" for wronging them in the past. I can't forgive myself. I feel unworthy of everything in my life. That I shouldn't say what I want because if I can't get it then I don't want whoever to feel bad that they couldn't help me get it. I over apologize. Like I said before I feel unworthy of anything good, but at the same time I feel like I am so ungrateful for everything in my life and I know that I should be thankful but I just can't see the good beyond the bad. I can overlook it for everybody else. But for me I can't I don't deserve it.
I was what I consider cheated on by my ex husband/ current boyfriend he was talking to an ex girlfriend having phone sex with her and telling her about his feelings about me and was basically preparing a backup girlfriend. I try to get past it but it haunts me. I always am paranoid that he's cheating again. Even though he's been being good for over 4 years.
When I am with people I'm close with I can feel happy in that moment. But soon after I'm alone I'm back to being unhappy. I've lost all of my friends because I don't want to leave my house I feel no need to go out I like being at home alone. I'm awkward around people. I'm shy I don't know what to say. When I don't know what to say I get anxious. Then my brain starts spinning what they must be thinking of me. If people are laughing and I don't know what they're laughing about they're laughing at me. When alone, I sometimes hear someone calling my name, or trying to get my attention, other times I think I hear a bell ringing or alarm sounding, a baby crying, or a woman screaming, or a man talking. They're never talking to me or telling me to do anything . When people are talking where I can't hear them I think I can figure out what they must be thinking about me. I'm some ways it's good because I'm emphatic with everybody I meet, but sometimes I'm wrong and make a fool of myself when I assume that I'm right. Then I feel humiliated. Other times I feel that they have to be talking about everything I'm doing wrong.
What could this be? Aside from the aforementioned anxiety disorder, depression, and general dissatisfaction with quality of life.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, ljv90, and welcome to Psych Central! We are fellow "sufferers" like you, so we can't diagnose, but from my own experience, it sounds to me like underneath it all you are dealing with low self-esteem.

You've certainly been through enough tough things to justify feeling grief and depression. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Now, you deserve to have some fun and pleasure. What did you enjoy doing before all the bad things started happening?

I enjoy the social groups here and even playing the games. I also read, watch certain shows on TV, write, go to movies, shop, get out with friends, etc.

Again, welcome! You can make friends here as well.

P.S. And also complain about things like your mom undermining your parenting.

[Open Eyes]

You are only 26 and already have two children and just tragically lost a child. You have not had enough time to grow up yourself to know yourself.

I think you should look for a therapist that specialize in doing "trauma work". Your isolating and having a hard time when it comes to relationships could mean you are struggling with unresolved trauma that you are not really aware of.

You also need to learn how to step back from needing to be perfect because human beings are far from perfect, no such thing as perfect.