[understandmoon]

Recently I think Ive been the most depressed and off the Ive ever been. My view feels dark and everyday Ive been battling my mind over various issues. Ive been here twice in the last week just over dumb stuff, that should be simple.
So with my relationship. Im 50/50, Ive been with this girl for a real long distance( Yes I know shes real). Since shes been in my life she has brought me happiness and frustation. She can be my biggest cheerleader but also complain about not wanting to text after 4 months straight of daily texting. Whenever she has a problem, She comes to me as happy place. I try and just let her vent, help her figure out answers to the issues, Only stern when it might be something self harming to herself. Ive helped her to stop cutting and deal with her abusive family but she can be random with details like not tell me her age to a while later or her family issues or simple conversations that might make her sad and blow up. ( I realize this is mostly 90% my fault for not being smarter cause I assumed). I met her online as a senior in high school. She kept talking about prom and how she was going next year and how fun it would be. I had recently been through alot of heart ache in the last month and was a idiot for being blind with it. We grew close and I assumed with the prom talk she was a junior with prom talk but it turned out she was a freshman and said nothing of it cause her school allows freshman so yah, genius award goes to me. I told her lets ask her family about us, she was hestiate but wouldnt tell me why, Turns out her family is kinda abusive and can be super rude, even when you try to come off the nicest with a well edited video, a long detailed letter and offering to call but thats still understandable. My issue is she said nothing till it was too late and I dont know if i stayed for love and caring or from guilt. Its always like that, we have the greatest phone calls, text and laugh but it always has to go south from something. whether it be lack of attention or my family trips. She got upset today cause I wanted to play a game and talk but not text. She felt I had plenty of time to do so. Knowing I had work a thing with my dad in the morning and more. How do you see my relationship from what i listed?

Now recently I have lost family during this past year, My two aunts, One who raised me from my toddler years and since then death has been different to me. Im a christian a proud one. When i was young I was gonna commit sucide but in my dream the night I failed my attempt I heard the words DO GOOD, from then on Ive never had a issue with sucide. I pushed myself to be president of my school, help others with issues and try and do my best to grow to be a better help to others. Yet since those deaths Ive felt empty, Ive been afraid of dying to just a dark void. Its not like ive never had a thought of what if theres no afterlife but Ive never been afraid before. I just ran at it. Now my dad has gotten a brain tumor and life just feels gray.. Things feel bleak. I dont feel like doing anything. There are some many issues ive had with my parents and out of both of them my father has always really tried. He's tried to show he cares. It just hurts. I know im just another human on this earth full of sad stories but i cant help it.
Can Any of you explain my drastic mental change of recent? thanks for reading this. I know its quite alot. Im just dont wanna bring people i know into it.

[Sunflower123]

I think the mental changes can be attributed to the stress of the events that are going on in your life. Do you have access to a psychiatrist or therapist?

[Unrigged64072835]

You're under a lot of stress and grief. This relationship isn't helping things.

You need someone who will listen to you and not judge or get huffy.

[avlady]

yes i would see a psychiatrist and t if i were you. you cannot possibly handle all this on your own, there's too much on your plate right now.good luck