[understandmoon]

So today my dad wanted me and my brother to go to the gym in the morning with him but I felt kinda uneasy( My gut starts to feel sick) and decided to tell my dad I need sleep for work But today i was left wondering why knowing my dad is on his way to pick us up or just being with him makes me uneasy.

When I was young my parents divorced, so I have pretty much no memory of them being together. I lived with my mom and visited my dad for weekends. My parents often got into arguements that my mom tried to involve me in. My dad however was in general less involved but knew more about me but still slipped up. My dad is a big guy and monotone at that and when I was young it was hard to understand his mood. He would laugh and find stuff funny or be upset without me knowing why as a kid. There were times I had fun with my dad but alot of times I felt he just brought us along to stuff. He would go to church stuff to film for them and bring us along to just sit. He'f brong us to women he might had a interest in to watch movies this was rarer though, or we would just stay in his apartment all day.
Me and my dad didnt always get along the best. We were playing football once and he threw the ball and it hit me in the face cause I didnt have my hands out and he just laughed and told me It wouldnt have happen if I had my hands out. That kinda talk has been a thing to even high school where I finally pressed two 80lb dumbbells and when I told him he just told me I could do the 100s. My dad wasnt as dream crushing as my mom but still was a bit. I told him how I wanted to ask the president to make pokemon and he yelled at me for it. My dad would ban things but not explain it and it would confuse me cause I wanted to do what he said and understand what about it was bad.
My dad has had his moments of disappointing me, like how he rushed into a marriage and how he forgot my birthday and forgot to pick us up that day, or how he yelled at me for telling my teacher in 1st grade how I didnt care about getting D's or F's cause at that time I saw them get into a bad incident but he didnt even bother to ask why his son in 1st grade would say that. When I got into fight at school. He called me and just kinda scolded me for the way it started ( I was helping a girl with a backpack But didnt know she stole it and got suckerpunched and had to defend myself and fight back) And he said i would have been better if I keep my hands up.
As I had gotten older things between me and my mom got worse, we'd argue everyday, She kick me out twice after she threaten my little brother and over something else silly like that and then my dad, my brother, and I realized how my mom was manipulating our situation and my dads life and why he wasnt around as much as he could. Her telling him lies and us but there was still y
things that were just him. Like dragging us to our steps who didnt like us over and over and believe them over us sometimes. We slept on one couch at their place. Now though at my grandads where my dad lives currently he sleeps on the couch if we come over. My dads apologized a bunch and has been the only parent to admit mistakes and actually try from them. He has tried taking us to nice and fancy places, showing us his favorite place, and being someone I can talk things out to. My dad showed most of my favorite games anf shows. My dad is where some of my nicest memories are like lightsaber fights around christmas or how he gave me my first headbamd cause I wanted to be a ninja. Yet, I feel this uneasy all the time I know he's headed our way. I get nervous or dont do what I want know as a 19 year old cause I dont want to bother him. All my life Ive not liked myself and I think he and my mom have parts to that. They have both told me i matter or how I shouldnt be depressed and both arent as bad as before for my mom alittle, for my dad alot. Yet He is the only one i feel uneasy with. My mom is just a person to me. Its confusing.. honestly and I dont understand it.. Typically we talk its good, we laugh joke, act saracastic and tell stories about my mom, rare are the times we argue. It happens but it usually over beliefs of things but I am quick to cry in said situations. Maybe Im just being a edge lord. Kid me always wanted to fight my dad and kid me also wanted to just spar with my dad. Now my dad has a head tumor and I dont want to lose him and not be able to spend time with him. Ive been crying every since I heard about it. Yet I know I need space from my family I feel it. what does it sound like to you reader ?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's tumor. Since your dad has expressed regret and tried to make it better, could you sit down and have a heart to heart with your dad? Maybe you both could come to an understanding that helps resolve your feelings and spend some quality time with him. Don't wait around. My dad had a brain tumor as well. Good luck and best wishes.

[Thunder Bow]

You are in a convoluted family situation. You may want to work on this with a Therapist.

[Open Eyes]

Hi understandmoon, welcome to PC, I see you are still a fairly new member.

By reading your post what I can see is how your parents lack when it comes to having relationships. And they also don't know very much about "parenting" either and that is showing in how confused you are right now.

First of all, someone who understands parenting and raising children doesn't put the child in the middle of an ADULT relationship problem. Children have NO IDEA what to do with this anger and resentment constantly being expressed "through them" at the other parent. It also sounds like your mother doesn't really take an interest in you, however, please know this is HER failing and not yours.

It sounds like you are closer to your father, it seems like your father at times at least "tries" to help you. However, he lacks in that he needs to see what you DO rather than what you fail to do and then laugh at you simply for just not knowing something "yet". Always remember that when someone interacts with you in a bad way, it's not because you deserve it, instead it's typically because the other person "lacks" the knowledge, this goes for parents too.

I am sorry to hear that your father has a tumor. It's understandable this would scare you and of course you want him around to be there for you as a dad. When you see him I think you should tell him that too. He may or may not reassure you the way you want, but at least he will know you are worried and you do love him.

You are only just 19 years old, that's still very young and impressionable. Please know that other people may treat you badly at times but that is more of a reflection of "them" then YOUR worthiness of being treated better.