[CurioussKent]

So,I've been in therapy and medication for a while. My brain is now fighting it, telling me that I'm better, even though i still hate myself, self harm, and starve myself (even though I'm not working on that). I know that this "better" me is just a stupid mask, but I just....I'm fighting waves of resistance towards medication and therapy that i fought so hard to get when i was in high school. I'm back in college, and I have this happy demeanor that everyone likes and I can't be myself around anyone anymore. I'm almost in tears right now, but I feel as if I can only be myself when I'm all alone, and now that I've got a room mate, I have to keep that happy and bubbly persona up 24/7 and I hate it. I hate that I can't just relax and be myself in my own dorm. My room mate is sweet, but I feel high strung and anxious around her all the time because she's an international student and I don't want to be that one asshole that ruins the states for her, even though everyone else says I couldn't. I just...I feel like I'm falling apart, but I have to keep up a front so people don't see that I am falling apart. I have no idea what I'm trying to get at, I just need help. I just don't want to go to therapy anymore or take medications, but I also know that it'll help. I also feel as if i don't deserve the medication and therapy now that I'm not "as sick" or "sick enough" and ughhhh.

I don't know what to do.

[pegasus]

Your'e not unusual in thinking, I'm ok now I don't need meds or therapy but you know yourself that you do need to continue it. You could ask about different meds or cutting it down but I do think therapy is the place you really can be YOU. Have you talked to your therapist about all this?

[CurioussKent]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Your'e not unusual in thinking, I'm ok now I don't need meds or therapy but you know yourself that you do need to continue it. You could ask about different meds or cutting it down but I do think therapy is the place you really can be YOU. Have you talked to your therapist about all this?

No. We ran into each other today and she was happy and excited and wanted me to make more appointments and such, but my brain is just like NO

[pegasus]

I would make that appointment despite part of you not wanting to. Therapy is the place that is safe to express your true feelings and it sounds like having to wear the happy mask all the time is upsetting things. We all wear a mask to some extent but we all also need to express how we really feel too. Have you been in therapy long?

[CurioussKent]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I would make that appointment despite part of you not wanting to. Therapy is the place that is safe to express your true feelings and it sounds like having to wear the happy mask all the time is upsetting things. We all wear a mask to some extent but we all also need to express how we really feel too. Have you been in therapy long?

I haven't went to therapy for 3 months, but i've been going for 3 years.

[pegasus]

Yeah, go make the appointment even just as a check-in and then you can truly decide if you need it or not.

[reb569]

I have to agree. Make that appointment. Everyone needs down time and living in a dorm environment it can be tough to get that. If money is an issue, maybe the college has some counseling resources that you can take advantage of instead.

[Sunflower123]

You mentioned that you feel like you have to put a good face on and be a particular way with others. That will eventually wear you out. You can take that mask off with your therapist and be yourself. Also you could try a different medication. That may be a game changer for you. Good luck.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Therapy is the place that is safe to express your true feelings...

It should be, but is not always.

[Open Eyes]

My brain is now fighting it, telling me that I'm better, even though i still hate myself, self harm, and starve myself (even though I'm not working on that).

This is because you have practiced these coping methods where you have gained a sense of "control" when you practice them. What you need to do is work with a therapist where you can find out what happened to you that started you on this path of using these coping methods so you could have "some" sense of "control".