[SheilaKathy]

I read the definition of "Gossip" today for the first time in my life. I am in my mid-60s. I was aware of the rumor and passing along false or unverified info of a personal nature aspect of this, but Merriam Websters also mentions that facts can be part of it too. I was not aware of the FACTS aspect of this. I thought gossip had to be false info being passed on. Rumors...

I have been in a situation for the last 6 months of my life where a person has been picking on me, teasing me, then getting mean to me and talking behind my back about me. He has also said to someone that he hates me. He refuses to make peace with me. He refuses to speak to me at all. He buts into my conversations with others, or waits until I am done speaking and then makes snide comments that somehow relate to what I am speaking about. Finally, 2 weeks ago, he attacked me verbally in high volume anger and I finally fought back (having always just silently taken it before this time). I matched his tone of voice, came back at him with equally nasty comebacks and so on. He looked like a deer in the headlights when I got done with him! He was not at all expecting that. He just figured I'd ignore him as usual.

I've been told that I should not pay attention to what anyone else has said about this person, however, I have heard the person pick on, tease and be mean to others also, calling them names and so on. It is hard not to believe what others have told me he has said about me or themselves, since I have witnessed so much negativity from him personally and seen and heard it dished out to others as well.

Anyway, at a certain point I started to fight back. I decided to tell others what this man has done to me. To my way of thinking, that is facts. However, now that I have read the definition of GOSSIP, I am wondering if my doing this, basically defending myself against his statements that he has made against me, as well as sharing with others what bad things he has done to me, (and how I finally fought back) would be considered as wrong, as backstabbing, or simply as self-defense?

Would my trying to set the record straight be considered gossip, in other words?

[yagr]

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Would my trying to set the record straight be considered gossip, in other words?

No. Gossiping with facts is something like, "Did you know that Mary is having an affair with Bob from the office?" when it is in fact true. It is telling the truth about someone that really is neither your or the recipients business.

In your situation, telling the facts is an attempt to right a situation. The telling has value to the person doing the telling (you) and the recipient (the boss) who theoretically, would not want bullying to be going on in his establishment.

[SheilaKathy]

Oh, I told the boss ages ago, and she basically just has an attitude that she cannot take sides. So I told some others who attend the place (A Senior Center, and yes, I work there in a minor capacity). A couple of the bully's friends have taken a dislike of my "telling it like it is" to other members. They feel sorry for the man, they have never witnessed any of his nastiness personally, and he has "shell shock, the poor man, you should feel sorry for him because of what he has been through...." [well I am PTSD too, and I told one of them so, and also why]. So just about everyone in the place has heard my side of the story. I said it loud and clear to one of these women friends of his who was trying to shut me up and blame me for his deciding to leave. I don't know if I should have done this, but I was just fed up with being blamed for his decision to leave. He told my boss "I'm leaving because some people are trying to get me into trouble." He was, of course, referring to me and another person he had insulted so badly that he is no longer speaking to the bully. This other person who was targetted by the bully and I also spoke to one another frankly and loudly about what the bully had been doing to us. These women who are the bully's friends were complaining about that and saying that we should "not be talking about him behind his back." We were just comparing notes was all, and we made no effort to do so quietly either.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Oh, I told the boss ages ago, and she basically just has an attitude that she cannot take sides.

Right, but you have the big bosses number now - having read your other post regarding this subject. That is who I was referring to.

[Sunflower123]

Good for you for standing up for yourself!!! I think you telling others the facts of what he's done to you is setting the record straight. Sending big hugs.

[SheilaKathy]

Ah yes, the BIG Boss. The trouble with that is that I have been advised by the former Director of the place NOT to contact him, unless the bully returns and not unless the bully continues to bully me. ME, not others.

That is just one person't advice, but she said that when folks went above her on the chain of command, without first consulting her, that it made her mad. So she is basically saying that I should be careful not to alienate the current Director, unless I absolutely have to.

Others have now also said that I should try to get my mind off of all this, staying active doing other things, focusing on my job and so on, and let it rest UNLESS the bully returns. However, my mind tends to hold onto this thing for dear life and not want to let it go. I am having a really tough time just sitting it out and waiting to see if the bully comes back or not, because I can see that he is "pulling strings" from behind the scenes and stirring up trouble by way of his friends, who are NOT letting it go.

They are asking questions in such a way that I am pretty sure he is behind the scenes instigating them to do so. The other target of his bullying has seen this also. We both feel like we are being blamed for his decision to leave. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Basically, it is being doubly wronged. Once by the bully, and now by his "friends" (people he is using to "get" at us from behind the scenes).

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

... I have heard the person pick on, tease and be mean to others also, calling them names and so on... I have witnessed so much negativity from him personally and seen and heard it dished out to others as well.

That is gossip.

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

I decided to tell others what this man has done to me.

Has anyone asked? In any case, defending yourself against his statements made against you does not require talking about him, and telling others what bad things he has done to you is not self-defense. Trying to set the record straight in relation to yourself only requires talking about yourself, not him.

[Thunder Bow]

You had to fight back. That was not gossip. Good work. You aso needed to share the experience with others. That also was not gossip.

[SheilaKathy]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

You had to fight back. That was not gossip. Good work. You aso needed to share the experience with others. That also was not gossip.

Thanks. I kind of get the impression that there are all kinds of differing opinions on this subject, both at the place where I work and on here where I am getting and giving support. I don't even know which thought is winning out over which, in terms of seeing it as gossip as opposed to seeing it as self defense.

What I do know now though, is that my mental health adviser of today, not my therapist, but kind of a stand-in person in this emergency I am going through (a mixed Bipolar Episode, with my past traumas all being triggered as well) advises me to DO things to get my mind OFF the problems at my job, off the bully and the bullying.

So I created a separate thread for that purpose, to help me to think of things to do to keep my mind on healthy survival kinds of things!