[Mom of Three]

Where to begin. I have a wonderful husband and 3 wonderful children. 2 boys, 1 girl, the girl being the youngest. She's 20. We are very close. She shares a lot with me always has. The problem is I've gotten a little obsessed with her personal life. Which in turn affects my moods. When she's happy and content, I'm happy and content. When things are not so great, I'm greatly affected. My mood, like tonight takes a major hit. Whether if it's friendship issues (which she's been having) or boy issues, (which she's been having) I'm right in the thick of it. Trying to help. Trying to smooth over or give advice to her. That's fine and dandy. But I can't seem to draw the line. And worst yet, my mood takes a plunge. I see a therapist (not regularly) and we've discussed some of the anxiety issues I've had regarding the kids. But haven't really brought up this particular issue. Not sure what to do. She's a college student at the university here in town so she is close by, love. We talk daily. I have felt the need to text often lately. It's like I'm always waiting for a response or text. A little background: Her 'house' is throwing a party. She's one of 7 in this house. There's a guy she is intersted in. Shes know him since freshman year (shes a junior he a senior) He's acknowledged that he has liked her all along. He's leaving for Europe for the spring semester. Neither want to start a relationship at this time. yet agreed to spend time together to get to know each other. He let her know He will be returning to campus for a 5th year for grad school this summer. Neither of them are in relationships but he has 'lady friends.'
Whatever the situation is, they have been spending time together these past few weeks. She told me they have been intimate. Tonight I think she is feeling a little insecure as to
whether or not he'll be at the party or whether or not he's with a 'lady friend'. She feels it's not her place to say anything as they both know at this time there will not be a committing relationship. Yesterday she was on cloud nine. Tonight, not so much. Which brings me to why I'm here. When she's up I am. Tonight my mood sunk and I'm obsessing over the situation. I don't know how to stop this obsessing and wondering how it's going to all pan out. It's 10:30 pm. If I go so sleep now, I'll wake and first thing on my mind will be 'I wonder how her night went.' And then I'll drum up excuses to text her and ask. Sometimes she'll let me know. Probably because I asked her too. She shouldn't have to. It's all I think about. Just as I think I'm fine. I'm over it. Let her live her life, something happens then I'm right back at it. Any suggestions out there would be appreciated. I Feel like I'm really overstepping my boundaries. Thank you

[pegasus]

Hi, what was your own childhood like? How about when you were her age? Do you think this anxiety is related to that? I would talk to your therapist about this some more as worrying about your daughter is the trigger.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I don’t know what the answer is but I sympathize. I have an 18 year old daughter who is a freshman in a college two hours away. It seems like since middle school, I have been affected by how she’s feeling/doing. When she’s happy, I feel lighter. When she’s having a tough time or is in pain, it’s excruciating for me. I have slowly started putting up boundaries but it is slow going and very difficult. I am working on this in therapy.

[healingme4me]

I just want to send my thoughts of support. I don't believe what you are going through is all that uncommon. Yet, I can comprehend how and why you're struggling to draw that line for your own peace of mind. I'm certain beyond a doubt that my own ups and downs affected my own mom similarly. Enough so, I believe, that her widower wasn't too fond of me. They married after my oldest was born. But it's that type of mother daughter dance that's lost on any other third party than the father of the daughter.
I don't really have advice. Just a sense of knowing without knowing as a mother of all sons. The adult mother daughter relationships do tend to evolve into such.

Is it possible you are living vicariously through your daughter? This seems more than the usual anxiety a mother would have. In fact you have far too many details about her life. Why I have asked.