[OblivionIsAtHand]

Alright, after this I'm going to try to quit scuffing up all the space here on this forum. But I need help classifying what I'm experiencing. I've never been officially diagnosed with OCD, and I originally thought I just had anxiety + depression which I have meds for that give tepid results. But I, and I suppose my therapist, believe that I have it; or this may not merely be OCD and it's the interplay of several disorders. Just, until recently, I was not aware to what depth I have it, if this is what it really is causing this behavior that I'm about to mention. Now, symptoms of depression, anxiety, and OCD (and maybe there is even some schizoid tendencies at play) are all overlapping so much based on what I've read (I used to think I had a very clear-cut understanding of which caused what, but my organized way of thinking has all but vanished due to the complexity of ideas/information as I've progressed in life.) I can't accurately pinpoint anymore which disorder is causing this feeling of being overwhelmed. Of drowning. The fact that I can't localize which symptom corresponds to what disorder makes treatment harder. As much as I try to explain the complexity of my situation, I get the sensation occasionally that my psychiatrist is just as clueless as I am about what I have and it's only a guessing game for him. No, I've not had genetic testing to definitively rule out which meds would not work for me. But the psychiatrist bit is neither here nor there.

Let me explain. It contains the deep, deep nagging feeling one would experience with OCD--it's a feeling of incompletion, and I always feel like I'm just on the cusp of dispelling this feeling, but I don't, and it grows - pervades my entire thinking. Now my thoughts are always disorganized: it's like I'm trying to capture hundreds of different pieces sometimes (I'm always told disorganized thinking can be related to schizophrenic tendencies). But, this nagging feeling - whatever line of thinking's causing it - turns into further rumination. The rumination further complicates my disorganized way of thinking...exacerbates it, and so then it starts to feel like I can't even muster a coherent thought, because the nagging feeling is present and taking over in an already precarious balancing act of trying to sort through my thoughts. Now that the thoughts become barely coherent (and I begin doubting what I thought was well-established truths) and all over the place I begin to feel out of control. Let me make it clear that I believe total control in life is impossible, but I at least like to get to the point where I have some internal locus of control, providing me the illusion, as such.

BUT this is not the out of control feeling where one gets scared. This is where I'm confused on the definition of anxiety anymore. I'd always thought of anxiety as an umbrella term, but I thought the common denominator was fear of some kind. But now I see the word anxiety being applied to describe not just fear-based situations but stress and disarray in one's mind--you know, a different kind of overwhelmed as opposed to a merely fearful kind. The overwhelming, disorganized feeling conjures up both anger and deep sadness over the helplessness of being able to describe it to anyone and feeling as if only I have the ability to stop it through my own self-agency and rationalization; the helplessness creates an almost ADD-like inability to focus. Anyway, so I don't know if this is considered anxiety - xanax only helps slow down the thoughts a little bit - or it's simply OCD...or OCD + anxiety, which I understand are inextricably linked, but I mean both standalone disorders acting simultaneously. Thus, it's hard to think of what methods to use to combat it. What complicates this even more, and makes this all the more torturous, is that there have been many times where I've out-rationalized the feeling based on either some bit of information that I conjure or properly organizing my thoughts through sheer, continuous will despite the chaos/or through an OCD-like ritualistic process, so I'm wrestling with my mind over the fact if I can out-think my way out of this one. In the moment when this overwhelming occurs I cannot always remind myself that the feeling can be overridden and I feel like I'm resigned to being a helpless vessel for it. Many people will say you can't out-rationalize these feelings, that you must ride it out as an inevitable wave (Oh but I know I can't CURE these illnesses..not saying that at all) - despite the believers of this giving you coping techniques to mitigate it, but I would swear that I have; I've soldiered through feelings without the reliance upon external things with my own self-contained thought processes. Now whether it's the thought that leads to the changed neurochemistry or the disorder simply receding and causing the thought I cannot say: it's a chicken vs. the egg scenario to me.

If it IS OCD mostly that sets these thought processes in motion, I've had meds that targeted both OCD and depression and they were insufficient for these OCD-like feelings. That's why I question if it's even OCD and I'm just someone who needs more order than most in their thoughts, and simply compromise less than others. Disorganization, though, often propels a kind of burying of guilt, but I suspect that is the case for many who would not even be classified as OCD. Funnily enough, I am not an organized person at all.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

And some added questions unrelated to this: are we allowed to post a limited number of threads on this forum? I find that I am often bursting with questions psychologically-related. But I don't want to exceed so many questions so as to annoy; I'd consolidate all of my questions into one thread but I'm afraid that it would be overlooked more because of that. Does anyone know of a forum or site where psychologists/professionals in the field of mental health actually frequent the forum? Are there other psychology forums where posters respond more readily and abundantly? Where can I ask generalized questions that may lead to debate?

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Any takers here?

[MsDinah]

I believe that meds can make the thought disorders recede, but that more often, the thought leads to the changed neurochemistry. I have experienced this time and time again in my decades-long experiences with depression and anxiety. Not that redirected thinking works for me every time, and I find it impossible to do sometimes when my mind is too cluttered or worried, but it has made a significant difference in my mood at times.

[largebluerock]

do you happen to regularly see a psychologist whom is willing to read little introspective journals like this post? i think it'd be highly beneficial if you don't!

[Thunder Bow]

Are you smoking pot? Pot fragments your thinking.