I don’t know who I am anymore

As it says in title, I don’t know who I am anymore. I guess I want help maybe identifying solutions, I know self diagnostics aren’t the best but they may be appreciated, but I would like to point out that I’m still a high schooler so I can’t go scheduling my own appointments or stuff like that.

I guess I should start off blunt by saying I don’t think I’m the right person. In general, I know that I’m rotten and like to be mean to others. But I don’t feel like I’m in the right body. I’m distant with all of my emotions and I don’t feel like I feel like other people do. People my age are already talking about love and have gone through heartbreak, meanwhile I don’t feel like I can even trust my closest (few) friends. Not only that but I just don’t feel like it’s my body to begin with. I guess it’s just struggling with my sexual identity and pressure of everyone surrounding me to be who I was born as.

Another thing that should be troubling me, but isn’t, is my behaviors. Around my dad and sister, I act fairly pliant and subdued. In general, I keep to myself at all times. When I’m around my mom or just hear her, I start to get angry. I can’t recall her doing anything mean to me, so I don’t have the best idea of why I hate her so much except I just don’t like her as a person. Her voice irritates me beyond measures and her ability to be dull sometimes grates my nerves. Even writing this, I should feel bad because she’s my mother but I don’t. Her health problems make me angry even though I tell myself I don’t care. I hate how she pities me and acts like she wants to be friendly with me like she is with my sister.

My behaviors are also reflecting and coming out to bite my friends. I have a friend who I talk to online and I’ve been abusing his respect for me by shutting him down when he tries to help me and outright threatening to cut communications with him. I don’t know how I feel about cutting him off like that. I know I should feel bad but at the same time I don’t feel anything. It’s not like he deserves it and I know he doesn’t but part of me is telling myself that he does.

And I guess lately I’m starting up self destructive behaviors again. I used to cut at my elbow two years back but stopped after nearly being caught. During school, I get so frustrated I break my pencils and beat my fist on the desk. Now that it’s summer, my sister just got a puppy and is in the works of training it. Because it’s still a puppy, it likes to bite. My family is trying to encourage it not to bite but I let it bite and try to get it to bite my ear enough to make it bleed or do some sort of physical damage. Even though I let the puppy do that, I also get angry and take my frustration out on myself by punching or digging my fingers into my hips.

I’ve been losing interests in things, too. I’ve had no desire to draw for nearly a year now and lately video games, which I use as a sanctuary, are blah. All I’ve been doing, now that it’s summer, is sit around in my room and listen to music. I’ve been struggling with feeling like nothing even during school, where I waded through my classes in a tired and stressful haze. I don’t even feel like I have a future, just that death is the best option so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore. It’s just tiring nowadays to see my peers confident and ready for the future when I feel like I’m forcing myself to come up with something.

I also don’t have many friends left. I got into an argument with a friend last year and now she treats me like a don’t exist. One of my longest friends got himself a girlfriend so he spends his time with her. What feels like my final friend has friends she would rather hang out with than me so I’m on the sidelines watching everyone I care about live. Meanwhile my ex-friend (I guess I should put it as) makes me angry just by speaking and another guy who thinks he’s better than everyone does the same and I get so angry when I think or come in contact with either of them so I have to hurt myself to calm down.

I don’t even feel safe in environments that I may have once and no one cares or respects that. I no longer like going to pro baseball games or big events/areas like that because I think of what the other people there could do to me. I get nervous just being in a car in a city. I don’t even want to leave my house sometimes to go hang out with my friends when I was just looking forward to it the other day. My family, especially my mom, doesn’t seem to respect that I get nervous in busy places and that just in general I don’t have the energy to enjoy going out.

Something I should mention is that I went to my family doctor last year and he said I have depression and should see a counselor, which I have not. The only sort of treatment he prescribed is taking vitamins, which I have not because l don’t think they’ll work (and because partially I feel that I don’t want to get better).

I guess I should wrap up. Like I said, I’m not looking to be diagnosed but I would appreciate maybe some form of advice I guess? I’m just quickly posting this before I lose my momentum.

What do you mean by the right person? The person you want to be, or think you are or were? Or the person the "world" wants you to be? Or something else?

One thing that's probably way too little that I feel compelled to say is a para-phrased quote that I love from one of my favorite tv shows, Leverage: No one knows who they are, life just rips it out of them.

It's okay to not know, to be confused, to feel things that aren't positive or you think are "bad". Don't expect to 100% know yourself, but focus on learning about yourself and making the best decisions you can and nurturing yourself with positive stuff so maybe more positive will come out.

You should probably get that therapy to rule out mental illnesses that could be being treated. Some not knowing ourselves is normal, while some could be more than what is normal, could be a sign of something else, and should be treated.

If you don't feel comfortable asking your parents to get you into therapy, I wonder if there's a school counselor you can talk to? It sounds like more than just depression to me, but of course I'm no expert on this. I'm unsure what else to suggest it may be, but you could do some research of your own and see if anything fits for you. It will take a bit of self awareness and being able to be honest with yourself. If you find something that fits you well then you can look into self-help measures related to that problem and when you turn 18 can sign yourself up for therapy.

I felt similar regarding trusting people and feeling emotions properly at that age. I was also pretty mean, but I didn't intend to be, I just went too far with bluntness or playing around too much.

You most definitely need to seek therapy. I hope you do and get some relief from what you are feeling.

I would also encourage seeing a therapist and trying the vitamins your doctor suggested. Did the doc order blood work? That's probably a good idea to see if you're deficient in something. Low iron, thyroid, or Vitamin D can cause depression. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your mom, try talking to your dad about this.

I agree you could be going through a bit extreme but kind of normal teenaged angst. However I think you should try to get a visit with a Pdoc or therapist. I don’t know where you live, but in some states kids as young as 16 can seek medical help without their parents permission. However I think you try talking to your parents first and asking for help

When I went to see the doc, he just asked me several questions and then agreed it’s probably depression and suggested that I’m low on vitamin D.

What I meant was that I’m not who I used to be, and I was fine with who I was before. But thank you for the advice. c: