[Lurking Shadow]

This post might be more about my mother than me but here goes:

I love my mom a lot and I think she's one of the best moms one can ask for (disclaimer) but I can't help but feel sometimes that she's a little too...goal-oriented. Like for example she used to nag me about joining more clubs in high school so I could "socialize" more (pretty sure it has to do more with being productive) but if I hang out with/see my friend (who goes to the same university as I do) more than once a week she doesn't like that and thinks I'm wasting my time. She does have to pay $5,000 a year for me to go to school and she doesn't make a ton, but I know she's also upset at me because I transferred schools (where she had to pay even less originally) and changed my major from biology/pre-med to a design major. She's mostly disappointed because I could have graduated in 3 years with a BS but now have to take a total of 5 years to get my more expensive BFA degree, which she thinks is more useless than a BS. She also thinks that I changed schools and majors mainly because of my friend, and she says I'm a social chameleon so she's worried that I'm being influenced badly by my friend. (She doesn't dislike my friend, she dislikes her "choices" in life, a.k.a. majoring in Illustration and allowing herself to fail some classes over the years). Every time I hung out with her at either her house or mine during high school, my mom would always need to know what we were up to. When I told her we mostly just sat around and talked/played video games, she'd always look/sound disapproving. She thinks I need a reality check. To get back to the present, I mostly transferred because I was having a horrible time emotionally and I regretted not going to my current school for my current major in the first place--regardless if my friend goes there or not (it's just a big bonus that she does). I've always been a skilled artist for my age but I've just never been confident in my ability to make a career out of my talent because everyone in my family thinks it's nearly impossible/a fool's dream; my mom's fiancé actively looks down on those who pursue artistic careers because a lot of them don't make it into their field, are making low salaries, and look foolish in the end (in his eyes). My mother says she wants me to be happy and it's my choice but it feels like she's always reminding me blatantly or subtly that she doesn't approve of my decisions. I think she's just paranoid but it's got me doubting myself as well. I've always succeeded academically so I think she had way higher hopes for me; right now she thinks I'm wasting my "potential" because I hung around artsy people and let them sway me (which I guess might be partly true--if I didn't have any artsy friends and only science friends maybe I would have just stayed in my original major). I'm living at home so I have to put up with this often; if I didn't live under her roof she says she wouldn't say anything. This makes me want to dorm but I know I'd have a horrible time living with other college students so I don't (plus it's even more expensive). I'm not sure how to navigate this situation for the next four years; I want to able to have more social freedom and enjoy my time at college.

Sorry it's a little lengthy!

[ShadowGX]

You're actually in a very similar situation as a good friend of mine. He started out doing bank studies before switching to his game design studies. His parents give him a hell of a time for it because just like your family they don't believe it's an actual career and a waste of time and money. He doesn't live with them, but they force him to go see them every weekend, he's only living on his own during the week. If he skips they give him hell for it.

The concern of it not working out is somewhat valid. It can be very difficult to find a good job in an art field. That doesn't mean you can't do it though, especially if you work hard at it.

As for them not liking your friend and your hobbies... Screw 'em. Do what you want if it makes you happy. I'm a gamer too and I still have a life. Sure, it's not ideal because I have no IRL social life, but I wouldn't even have my online social life if I didn't have video games, anxiety would keep me from an IRL social life regardless.

As for the main concern of navigating the next 4 years, I'm not sure there's much you can do, especially since you live with them. All I think you can do for now is try to make the best of it and ignore their negativity as best as possible.

[*Laurie*]

Hi LS, I really want to read and respond to your post, but it's difficult for me to read a long post without paragraph breaks. I know you're new to PC...my suggestion is that you'll receive more replies if your break your post into paragraphs .

[catwalk69]

Hi, Nice Post... Worth Sharing

[eskielover]

Ok....going to give you some personal experience from an old lady who is older than your mom.

Growing up my parents just barely made it through high school while I did well accedemically though I had to work hard.

My parents had no knowledge of college or even REAL career choices so I had no one I trusted for guidance. So when I graduated from high school I decided to go to junior college & major in music as I had music in my life since I was 5 years old. Seemed like the right choice. That was until I graduated with my AA in music & transferred as a junior to the 4 year university.

Competition in music was rough & I could not compete with students whose parents had afforded the best music teachers.

So the delema hit me. I really didn't want to be a school music teacher so I started investigating other careers & majors. I changed majors as a junior & decided to go with computer science & accounting information systems. Took me another 4 years to graduate. The thing was thst I didn't give up my music. I still played in chamber groups & did the performance on the level I was ok at. I actually ended up with a computer engineering career & the music I loved on the side which at times brought in extra money.

The point I realized was tgat I could have both in my life. A good paying career & my enjoyment of performing my music.

Sometimes when we limit either of our abilities we do a disservice to ourselves.

All this I had to find out on my own. Not knowing your mom but maybe she just cares so much for you she may not want to see you make similar mistakes as she may have made in her life. It is not being paranoid.....it is just caring & wanting to see you be able to successfully have money enough to be totally independent.

Bottom line....your happiness & talents have to be your priority. It would be horrible to have a good career that you hate. It is important to weigh all your thoughts & feelings on the choices we make. Horrible years down the road & regret a choice we made....either way.....that is why much thought is needed & your mom probably is trying to protect you from what she feels might be a bad choice.

Money isn't everything but it sure is important when one wants to be independent.....but so is doing what makes us happy....nice when we can have both.

[healingme4me]

I wouldn't say paranoid. There is perhaps social pressure on her end trying to explain that she's shelling out big bucks for a now adult child who has already transfered schools and switched majors. Not that there's anything particulary wrong with switching majors and schools since statistics show that what one chooses to major in at 17 before starting college isn't the same as what one ends up graduating with at 22.
My mom was strict and an overbearing presence in my life and I was pressured to not transfer (was not even looking at BA either) although I was left with the shambles of debt. I digress.
It's tough to say what the frustration from her truly is. Art teachers are in demand typically, so at least that's something to fall back on?

I make out she could possibly have something called neuroticism. While it's a matter of pride to see your child becoming a doctor or even get accepted in med school, it is not shameful to pursue your true interests "even" if they're in fine arts. She isn't paranoid, she just seems to have an anxious personality. Your post reminds me a lot of my mother who is on the extreme end of "academics is everything." I am a pre-med, not because of her, hell no, but I am pursuing my passion.

[Lurking Shadow]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Hi LS, I really want to read and respond to your post, but it's difficult for me to read a long post without paragraph breaks. I know you're new to PC...my suggestion is that you'll receive more replies if your break your post into paragraphs .

Thanks, I would like to edit it but I'm not sure there's a way to do that...I'll keep that in mind for next time though!

[PrettyTough]

If she's not a Virgo I'll eat my hat.