[LovePotionNmbr9]

Hello all, and thank you for reading! I am posting due to a situation and recent confessions of a family member who I am very concerned about, and I am at a loss as to how to proceed. We have already called and made an appointment with a Psychiatrist, but they cannot see her for 4 and a half weeks, and she is currently so miserable I'm hoping to get some insight on what might be the issue at hand and how to approach it until her appointment with the doctor.

"Fay" is the person I am writing about; she's 44, has never had very high self esteem, was severely bullied in school due to a weight problem and horrible acne. Her self esteem remains rather poor even after losing a lot of weight and she isn't very extroverted or assertive. She's one of the nicest, most thoughtful and intelligent people I know, but also one of the most anxious, to include panic attacks. Within the last year and a half, we all were happy to see she'd met someone and has been in a long distance relationship with them, flying to spend time with him at least once a month and even talking about moving out to live with him. As family, we've been a bit disappointed that "Fay's" BF has yet to fly out here to see her and meet us, and we've noticed that where she is always sending gifts to him and buying him things, hardly ever does he seem to reciprocate the same to her. But, we tried to let that go, because it seemed she was happy, other than the "relationship anxiety" that she frequently said she had, but didn't surprise any of us, given her history.

The other day "Fay" called me in a crisis, crying and a panicked mess because she had not heard from "Joe" her BF since 7am that morning and it was now 8pm. I know they are usually in contact about 3 to 4 times a day, and she has happily told me how they are often on the phone for 4 hours at a time. But the way she was carrying on, I thought perhaps "Joe" had broken up with her. But he hadn't, "Fay" was falling apart merely because she hadn't heard from him for a few hours. In trying to soothe her and establish that their last communication had been fine and that things were fine between them last time they talked and so everything was fine still and that he was probably just busy, "Fay" all of a sudden "unloaded" the following information that still astounds me. I've placed "*" by the most astounding.

She said she cannot take the relationship anxiety anymore and that she has panic attacks whenever 3 or more hours pass and she doesn't hear from "Joe."

"Joe" is 10 years younger than her (which we knew) but she revealed that she's been lying to him and he thinks they are the same age.

*She said it terrifies her to think that instead of being busy with work that "Joe" wasn't calling her because he was hanging out with a friend, any friend, male or female. "Joe" spending time with his friends seemed to be an extreme source of stress for her, as she confessed to creating several fake facebook accounts and sending messages to both "Joe" and his friends containing hurtful information one allegedly blabbed about the other in an effort to ruin "Joe's" friendships.

She has told "Joe" that she owns her own home and has a horse on her property and lives by herself, when the reality is that "Fay" still lives with her parents, and doesn't even have a horse.

*Whenever "Joe" spends time with his friends, he contacts her less, and it causes "Fay" to panic. Due to this, "Fay" at least twice has "faked" a life threatening illness, calling "Joe" and telling him she was in the hospital having various emergency treatments/surgeries for heart attacks and blood clots. She has even photoshopped and/or staged photos of herself in hospital beds and sent them to him. She also confessed that he didn't react to her fake near death experiences the way she hoped he would, that while he was concerned and did pay attention, that he wasn't "afraid to lose her enough" and she has been questioning his ability to feel empathy and has decided "Joe" is a Narcissist. (There is the fact that he won't come visit her so far, and that he doesn't seem to reciprocate gifts, or send her anything, not even a card, for her birthday and other occasions, so I'm not sure at all what to make of "Fay's" Narcissist theory.)

"Fay" has also just about broken herself financially buying plane tickets to go see "Joe" and buying things for "Joe." She said she is getting frequent calls from debt collectors and is behind on all her credit cards.

She has also recently told "Joe" that she was accepted in MENSA and got hired by the state as a Forensic Medical Investigator last month, and neither of those things is true either.

*Most concerning is that she said most of the time she wishes she could end the relationship with "Joe" but isn't able to, saying "I just can't do it, I don't know why."

I'm not defending any of "Fay's" deplorable actions, and I couldn't believe it when she began spouting off about all of those things she's done. She just never seemed the type to do that sort of thing; as I said, she is very nice and while I know she has the anxiety/panic issue, I thought she was more...hmm, "together" than to do these kinds of things.

She is very scared and feeling incredibly depressed/anxious right now, even though things are fine with her and "Joe" and "Joe" has no idea about anything, to include the panic attack she had which ultimately lead to "Fay" spilling her guts the way she did to me. I want to help her, if I can, until she can see the doctor, but this so far beyond me...I don't know what I'm dealing with, I don't know what to say, and telling her "It will be okay" sounds like a lie, because it obviously is anything but "okay." Any thoughts are appreciated! Thank you!

[healingme4me]

I hear you about not wanting to say things are going to be OK when they won't technically be OK.

One thing that stands out is waiting for a psychiatric appointment. A psychiatrist is certainly an important appointment to have, at the same time, they aren't typically the doctor to see for talk therapy, as they are MDs and prescribe medications. A psychologist or social worker is who to see for talk therapy. Maybe mention that to her? Maybe the wait won't be 4 weeks if she calls around.

It does sound like a web of deceit that she has spun. It's good that she trusted you to open up to. You sound like a very supportive friend. Maybe just remind her that you are still there to help her get through this? As opposed to everything is going to be ok?

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC!

It’s good that Fay opened up to you and you are there to be supportive to her.

What you described happens more often than you think. There’s a show called Catfish about people who form internet relationships and are posing as other than who/what they really are.

I agree that trying to get an appointment with a talk therapist is the way to go. I’d also keep that psychiatrist appointment too.

Fay is a lonely young woman with low self esteem who painted herself to Joe as she’d like to be in reality. Joe may just be enjoying the perks of Fay’s generosity and not as feeling for her as she is for him. There may also be more to the story than Fay told you.

This all can and most likely will be ok moving forward. At this point, so she maxed out her credit cards. There doesn’t seem to be irrevocable damage so far.

Sending hopes and prayers for you to be able to get her to a good therapist and help in coping with reality and learning to make the best of her life moving forward. She can create her life to truly be what she wants it to be, horse and all.

[WishfulThinker66]

Hmmmm, I am wondering if Joe's description of the relationship matches that of Fay's. I might have missed it but is this an in real life relationship? What I am getting at is that how then would he not know she is older than him and how would he be oblivious to her living arrangements and circumstances? She obviously dug a hole for herself. This sounds to me like it is no relationship at all.

Is there anyway to persuade her to see her family doctor about the anxiety in the interim until she sees the psychiatrist?

[LovePotionNmbr9]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Hmmmm, I am wondering if Joe's description of the relationship matches that of Fay's. I might have missed it but is this an in real life relationship? What I am getting at is that how then would he not know she is older than him and how would he be oblivious to her living arrangements and circumstances? She obviously dug a hole for herself. This sounds to me like it is no relationship at all.

Is there anyway to persuade her to see her family doctor about the anxiety in the interim until she sees the psychiatrist?

Oh yes, while they met online, they have met in real life several times. "Fay" flies to see him just about every month (they live 500 miles apart) and there are several pictures of them together from each visit. I agree with you about what "Joe's" version of this relationship is as well. And "Fay" does take Xanax for anxiety, but has been told she can take it as needed rather than daily, and you guessed it, as soon as an hour passes that she doesn't hear from "Joe" she pops a Xanax. I'm concerned because if the Xanax was the answer, I would (perhaps wrongly) expect her to not be resorting to the things she's done.

[LovePotionNmbr9]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I hear you about not wanting to say things are going to be OK when they won't technically be OK.

One thing that stands out is waiting for a psychiatric appointment. A psychiatrist is certainly an important appointment to have, at the same time, they aren't typically the doctor to see for talk therapy, as they are MDs and prescribe medications. A psychologist or social worker is who to see for talk therapy. Maybe mention that to her? Maybe the wait won't be 4 weeks if she calls around.

It does sound like a web of deceit that she has spun. It's good that she trusted you to open up to. You sound like a very supportive friend. Maybe just remind her that you are still there to help her get through this? As opposed to everything is going to be ok?

Hmm, a therapist, thank you! I'll begin looking for what is available in our area today! I can be there for her, I just don't know what that I'm enough. Thank you!

[LovePotionNmbr9]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Hello and welcome to PC!

It’s good that Fay opened up to you and you are there to be supportive to her.

What you described happens more often than you think. There’s a show called Catfish about people who form internet relationships and are posing as other than who/what they really are.

I agree that trying to get an appointment with a talk therapist is the way to go. I’d also keep that psychiatrist appointment too.

Fay is a lonely young woman with low self esteem who painted herself to Joe as she’d like to be in reality. Joe may just be enjoying the perks of Fay’s generosity and not as feeling for her as she is for him. There may also be more to the story than Fay told you.

This all can and most likely will be ok moving forward. At this point, so she maxed out her credit cards. There doesn’t seem to be irrevocable damage so far.

Sending hopes and prayers for you to be able to get her to a good therapist and help in coping with reality and learning to make the best of her life moving forward. She can create her life to truly be what she wants it to be, horse and all.

Thank you also for the suggestion of talk therapy! I've never dealt with anything like this before and did what seemed right, but talk therapy sounds like a better option! And one of the reasons I'm so concerned about "Fay" is that her relationship with "Joe" is not strictly on the internet. They met on the internet a year and a half ago, but she flies to see him roughly once a month for over a week. If "Fay" had never actually met "Joe" I could perhaps understand better some of the things she's made up and told him, but that she's doing this after having met him and spent time with him regularly just makes it all feel a but more, I don't know, serious.

[Carolinee13]

Very interesting article, thanks for sharing!