[delusions23]

I frequently feel upset, sad, annoyed and/or desperate. Every time I seem to get close to having a "stable life" and I prepare to finally experience happiness, something triggers me and makes me break down again.

There are specific issues that make me worry, and they have to do with my future: will I find a S.O, will I live in a city and country I like, will I get a job I like, will I be happy? I think about these things literally every day, almost every second. There are some small moments of the day where I manage to focus deeply on something non-related for a minute, and then I think “wow, I actually spend some seconds without thinking about the stuff I always think about” And I just can’t believe it.

I spent the last months of 2018 thinking about what career I should choose. I felt unsure, I knew I wanted to be able to live abroad at some point in my life. And the idea of "being stuck" here all my life triggers me and makes me feel really bad. So I knew I had to choose something that would allow me to achieve my dream. But I knew that choosing that path would mean sacrificing other things. I was feeling so bad I became suicidal again (I had been suicidal in 2017 too)

In December I finally chose the career path that I think will be the best for me. My plan is to study Systems Engineering in my city for at least 5 years (it could take me more), participate in an exchange program, and, after graduating, find a job I enjoy and try to travel as much as I can. Maybe study a masters in some foreign country, or anything that will allow me to live in abroad for a while. I'm still unsure about the idea of moving. This decision was hard, because at first I was scared that an IT job would be too stressful for me, since I knew they usually work full-time and don't have many vacation days. I was worried and obsessed about it, cried about it, thought about it every day. I had previously thought of being a high school teacher, which where I live means working only 20 hours a week, and having two-month vacations plus a lot of sick days. And I was sacrificing those benefits because I knew being a teacher would most likely not allow me to work remotely, or move abroad, and it would mean a low salary. Plus, being in schools triggers me, for reasons that may be too long to explain, and I didn't want to end up in a job that made me feel bad and didn't allow me to live my dreams.

I was very worried about the amount of hours, and it got to a point where any number I would see reminded me of the job schedules (usually 9 to 6). Every time I'd see a 9 or a 6, or a 5, I would get triggered. I finally managed to "beat the obsession" by investigating about the work conditions in the public sector (working for the state), which is 30 hours a week plus many sick days and vacations, and also by realizing that I want to get to learn a lot, and many hours a day doesn't sound bad if it's something I enjoy doing.

Like two days ago I found out about scholarships to go study in Russia. I realized that they can actually pay you to get a degree there, and one of my dreams had been to study Russian. I had forgotten about it because I knew it was unrealistic, since studying Russian as a degree is not an option in my country, and it would have meant having to spend lots of money moving somewhere else. But now I read that there are actually schorlaships for it. And I started to feel terrible. Because, if my dream is to live in Europe, and I don't like being here, and my dream was learning Russian, why am I not applying for these scholarships? How can I be so hypocritical to say I can't stand being here and then choose to study in my city for at least 5 years? Shouldn't I be pursuing my dreams NOW? Part of me tells me I'm a coward, that I'm betraying myself, and that I'm ruining my life, that I just make up excuses. And I don't know what to think... because I kind of want to do it (in my fantasy at least) and also not want to do it. Maybe I'm losing the biggest opportunity. I sometimes read about adventurous people, and how you should get out of your comfort zone, and how you should travel the world, and dare to make big life changes.. and I just feel so bad. I can't deal with the feeling that I'm not brave enough to do things, to go against the "traditional plan". Maybe I should go now, as youngest (I'm 18) as possible. Maybe if I wait it will be too late.

One thing I considered is that, even if I stay here to study, I can still get a scholarship after I graduate. I will be older and more prepared. There are many people who finish the career and then get a job abroad, or go abroad to study or research. If I graduate at 24, I still, in theory, have plenty of time to do all these things. But... I actually may not have "plenty of years" or "a whole life ahead of me". I have a chronic illness, Lupus, that could make me disabled, that could prevent from finishing my studies or travelling or living abroad. How do I know that I won't get brain fog or extreme fatigue, that I won't have to be hospitalized for months? Why do I have to face the possibility of all my efforts being ruined and my dreams destroyed. Yesterday I was thinking about it, and I got really upset and started crying.

I also notice I look for advice that tells me that I should just stay here in my city. My mind is biased in that way, and wants to ignore the advice that says "just go study abroad now". But Sometimes I look around at my city and, I'm sorry for saying this, but I find it so boring and ugly, and I wonder if I can stand being here for 5 years or even for the rest of my life.

Today I spent most of the day crying, feeling that I can't stand the idea that I may making the worst choice, that I'm too much of a coward. I screamed, I paced back and forth. I couldn't stand going through a "career crisis" again, after I had finally made my decision, I don't want it to be shaken.

I wonder if this is normal, if it's normal to react in such a way to having to make choices regarding my future, if it's normal to live this way. I also worry extremely about never finding a partner or friends. I've been doing CBT for a while now but I don't notice any difference, I struggle to change my thoughts.

I feel like I want to be told that it's not the situations in life that are causing me to feel like this. I don't want to think it's the circumstances, because I doubt I can change them completely. It's interesting that after writing this I feel a lot calmer, and when reading my explanations and the things that worry me and trigger me, it doesn't sound "that bad" as I had experienced before. But I know this likely won't last too long

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, delusions23 I understand how you feel. I'm struggling with my career path as well. I don't think you're a coward at all. These decisions are ALWAYS difficult, and I'm willing to bet there are many people in a situation similar to yours at the moment. Studying abroad and learning a new language are not easy things and it's totally understandable that you'd not feel ready for it. Just do what you feel like you can handle. You don't have any obligation towards one choice or the other. It's your own life and you're free to make your own decisions. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I know how hard it is. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you feel like it's the best option for yourself. Whathever decision you take, I'm sure you'll do great at life. You sound very smart and empathetic. You're definitely not alone in this. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[delusions23]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're struggling, delusions23 I understand how you feel. I'm struggling with my career path as well. I don't think you're a coward at all. These decisions are ALWAYS difficult, and I'm willing to bet there are many people in a situation similar to yours at the moment. Studying abroad and learning a new language are not easy things and it's totally understandable that you'd not feel ready for it. Just do what you feel like you can handle. You don't have any obligation towards one choice or the other. It's your own life and you're free to make your own decisions. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I know how hard it is. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you feel like it's the best option for yourself. Whathever decision you take, I'm sure you'll do great at life. You sound very smart and empathetic. You're definitely not alone in this. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you so much for caring Today I'm feeling better and calmer. I will keep in mind the idea of PMing in case I feel like I need someone to talk to.

[Skeezyks]

Here are links to 2 articles, from PC's archives, that occurred to me as I read your post. Hopefully there will be something in these articles that will be of help, or at least interest. The first article is by DocJohn:

We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect