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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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#21
I’ve been wondering this about myself lately. A friend drew my attention to this thread. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells everywhere I go in life. I’m not a horrible person and I even try to censor myself. But I can’t take medication so I get triggered and I make mistakes.
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Anonymous49426, Chyialee, guilloche, HD7970GHZ, Medusax, MickeyCheeky, unaluna
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#22
I really like the explanations and comments on this topic so far. I will only add a few experiences to explain why I've used the block function in the past.
On a different website: I used to be a bipolar forum facilitator. One member was very unwell, even with a second dx. She became almost obsessed with me. I did my best to manage the relationship the best I could for months, but it started to stress me out too much over time. She meant no harm, but I had to cut the cord for my own wellness. Here: A long while back, I witnessed two members harshly criticizing another for hypergraphia. The member with hypergraphia was clearly very unwell in a few respects. I was a bit hypomanic at the time, so PMd the rougher of the two trying to explain what causes hypergraphia. [I'm prone to hypergraphia, too.] That member wrote the scariest stuff in her response to me. I think she was ill, too. I had to block her because I feared her anger would intensify into bullying of me. Another member was unwell and threatening suicide in many posts. I was triggered by it because my nephew had died by suicide not long before. Though I blocked this member, I doubt he/she knew. I eventually unblocked them. By that time, their posts were no longer triggering for me. It's hard to know what may or may not trigger a person. It could be something very minor. The fact is, we are all here because we're dealing with various levels of stress and illness. We can make choices as to what we read. Please don't take offense if/when you are blocked and don't hesitate to block someone if that is best for you. As someone wrote above, you have to put yourself first. |
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Anonymous49426, Fuzzybear, guilloche, MickeyCheeky, Mopey, unaluna
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guilloche, MickeyCheeky, Mopey, sarahsweets, unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
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#23
Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.
I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient. Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates. I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies. I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world. When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon. If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful. In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace. |
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#24
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#25
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#26
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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MickeyCheeky
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#27
Hi Sarahsweets,
I also tend to take what other people do or say very personal. Perhaps too personal, to the point that I start to ruminate over it in an unproductive, self-depreciating way. After my first hot flash of hurt I now try to go back and examine my feelings from all possible angles. Have I been reading too much into someone else's intention? Were their actions reflective of something I did or said or were they saying as much, if not more, about their own current state of mind? A lot of times I figured it was the latter. And if not I keep telling myself that I am not perfect, don't have to be since no one is. All that I can do is reflect on it. If I still feel that I would/should have rather behaved differently in this situation I will try to do so next time. Then I move on. There's always someone who chooses not to engage. Warm wishes, Gabe |
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Grand Poohbah
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#28
I know I can't resolve anyone else's problems for her. The most I can offer is camaraderie, particularly if I've had a parallel experience, compassion, my discoveries, and perhaps an idea or two ideas to expand her own problem-solving. I do my best to stay away from imparting self-importance, authoritarianism, accountability to me, "shoulds," command verbs, instructions, contempt, omniscience, or any suggestion she's floundering while I'm True North. I have a dim view of those who eagerly rush like the fire brigade to offer any and everyone imperious instruction. I personally chafe at "straight talk" which to me has overtones of dominance and contempt. I believe someone asking for advice is not always as she appears. Sometimes she's dealing with a dilemma with no good outcome. Sometimes she's overwhelmed with challenges from different directions. Sometimes she really wants confirmation of what she already knows. A few times though I have asked advice from someone I knew who'd stop me from a unwise impulse. The trouble is, we don't know people here. . I think the self-examination is whether the advice is truly for the other person or whether to make me feel important. We each have our own journeys as models. I recall moments of receiving the right observation at the right time. My real life friends often satirize my harassers along with me or diffuse a situation with humor. That can be imparted with a sigh or giggle and difficult to do online. |
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#29
Sorry that you are going through this. I agree that Ignore is about the person using ignore. I have a handful or so on mine. It can be self preservation in a way to not have ire spiked resulting in tulmutous interactions. It can be from not feeling safe that the individual's account hasn't been compromised, it can be because there's a history of being harrassed or on and on.
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Grand Poohbah
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#30
I haven't interacted with the members that "ignore" me, I assume my therapy experiences provoke them. I much rather have them ignore my posts than lash out, though I've received that too.
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#31
I think you’re very honest and sincere. I always appreciate your perspective. Most of the time I agree with you and sometimes I don’t. I value a range of opinions and ideas so I always value that you will speak your mind. We can’t please everybody. I understand how you feel though and why you posted this question. Sometimes I find out that somebody I really liked doesn’t like me and it feels bad to me. We just have to remind ourselves that people just don’t always mesh well.
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#32
I dont know if youre an awful person, but after reading missbellas post, im afraid i am! Im almost afraid to post again! But no such luck. Yes, i recently did give advice and information, so shoot me. I cant work with all those "don't's", so i will just try to follow dr johns do - be supportive.
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Living Entity
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#33
As Mark Twain said: "What others think of me is none of my business."
I know it hurts to think that someone has a negative view of you, but as stated, there are many reasons they might ignore you. A lot of people can only relate in negative terms and a cheerful, positive person is irritating to them. You might be a horrible person, but all we know of you is what you post on here, so if you are you hide it well lol Keep being you! __________________ |
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divine1966, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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divine1966, MickeyCheeky, sarahsweets, unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
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#34
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#35
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MickeyCheeky, unaluna
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#36
I try to follow the advice “be supportive”
And to “know myself” - that can be harder for many at times I think, especially if triggered (I also think it’s possible that some people online as well as in real life, have been known to use someone’s triggers or perceived “weaknesses” against them. I know the truth about me and many here, we genuinely try to be supportive. Being human, we are not perfect Hugs to all __________________ |
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#37
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#38
I want to thank you all for you feedback. I really value the understanding and constructive criticism. It helps to me to grow. I very much want to fall in line with the flow of this place and I want to do my best to exercise compassion and empathy. I am def better at that in real life but I am a work in progress...
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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eskielover, Fuzzybear, IrisBloom, Mopey, unaluna
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#39
I have been here at PC for 14 1/2 years. I try to express my thoughts as diplomatically as possible.....BUT some just don't care for any response that differs from their way of thinking. Have been put on ignore several times because of that (I must have been they didn't like my points of view) For that I have no apologies. It is their issue.
Like Jimi.....I wish it was obvious so I woukdn't waste time writing out a reply only to find out they have me on ignore. When that happens I immediately put them on ignore so I don't forget & try to reply again. I have also put people on ignore when they do multiples if threads that are always thebsame topics. If I have replied once my reply is not going to be different the next time. The ignore keeps me from forgetting that this is what they do. I personally like hearing different points of view so I don't use ignore for that reason. Nothing really triggers me....except the wasting time responding only to have it not posted because they have me on ignore. I have learned not to take the ignore personally. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Chyialee, healingme4me, sarahsweets
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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Posts: 96,438
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#40
I think you’re honest and sincere. Some people don’t like that. It’s their problem. I’ve occasionally been “hated” for my honesty although I try not to be harsh it’s not my problem
You are NOT an awful person __________________ |
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Anonymous40643, eskielover, Medusax
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