Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

I try really hard to give advice or support and I know that I can be direct or blunt. Its the ignore function thats getting to me. I just realized that I am on someone's ignore list and I liked her and thought she liked me. It drives me mad that I cant apologize or make things right. I do not have anyone on my ignore list her or at another forum I use because I believe there is value in what most people say. And I think I may be on a person's ignore list at the other place but its only alerted me once. How can I stop taking this so personal. I am not like this in real life. I try to be accountable and I have no issues acknowledging if I hurt someone's feelings or need to make amends. I am starting to think I may be a terrible person and just am too dumb to get it. I am not trying to fish for compliments here, I am seriously asking if I give off a "terrible person" vibe and just not know it?

I'm going to be honest with you here. People do crap that is just hurtful without reason or remorse. It's hard to not take those things personally - I know because I am dealing with a lot of that myself lately in the wake of my last episode in which almost ALL of my support system just up and left and just didn't care.

It taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me that the world is unforgiving, so WE must make the world a better place for ourselves. You know what I mean? What I am saying is my new attitude is I am going to be selfish. I am going to look out for me #1 and put myself above all others and I honestly think you should do the same.

You think you're blunt and too honest? Own it! If that girl blocked you, you have to let it go cause you can't control her actions, and I know for me that's the hardest part. I think because we are behind a screen its TOO easy to just "click" and block and not have to explain yourself to anyone. It all part of the accepted "ghosting" now.

You are doing great - especially if you don't block anyone because you value what people say, I appreciate that a lot.

And, if you want a friend I am just a message away!

I must admit I was shocked by this feature as well, SarahSweets. The first time it happened to me I was appalled. I went to reply to a post from someone I'd posted back and forth with, and I was abruptly told this person had put me on their "ignore" list. I was deeply hurt. I had tried my best to respond to the person's posts and had no idea why they would do that to me.

It happened to me again the other day, and once again I had no idea why.

All I can say to you is that I don't take this kind of thing lightly, and I will not forget who those people are or the message they were sending to me, for no reason I was aware of. I will certainly never try to contact or communicate with those people again.

It would be beyond me why they even allow this type of thing on this forum, which is supposed to be supportive, except that I suppose they are supporting the right of each individual member to choose whom they wish to interact with.

Anyway, I certainly relate to your feelings here.

And by the way, I hope you are recovering well from your surgery! I know it probably seems like forever.

the ignore feature isnt about you. its about the person who has you on ignore.

heres an example

if you were out walking and you saw a green car that got hit by a blue car. then the next day while you are out walking a blue car passes you. the driver and car didnt do anything to you, but suddenly you are having a panic attack because you are remembering that accident you witnessed the day before.

it was no ones fault just an accident but the colors blue and green cause you to have a panic attach every time you see one. what do you do... ?

most people avoid or make is so that they dont have to be around those colors until they are in a place where those colors dont bother them any more. they ignore it, they take a different route on their walk they do everything they can to not get that panic attack even if it means looking down while they walk instead of seeing the colors blue and green.

the online ignore feature is like that. its not about you and whether you are a good person or not. its about that other persons triggers. the ignore feature is a self care feature that allows others to control their self and their own triggers.

there are many times when I come online and I may have a handful of people on ignore and other days only those that asked to be there and still other times lots of people. its not about the people, its about my own triggers. today that trigger may be a color seen in someones post or tomorrow it may be a legless animal seen in someones post, or it may be that I just dont want to see that topic every time I am reading...

my point is its not you, the ignore feature is nether a punishment nor says whether someone is good or bad, its just about that persons own triggers and that they are taking good self care of them selves.

Yes some people purpously need to do this to make themselves feel better as they don't feel good as you do about just about anything you could think of!!!

You're NOT an horrible person, sarahsweets! I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I understand why you'd feel hurt by all of this, but that DOESN'T mean that you're an horrible person or that you're coming across that way! I completely agree with what amandalouise has already wisely said! Some people just need to protect themselves from certain topics or triggers! It doesn't mean they have necessarely something against you! Even if they do have, try not to take it too personally! We can't expect everyone to like us after all, right? Sometimes it can happen! There's nothgin wrong with that and there's CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Please remember that! Please don't be so hard on yourself and when you're feeling down by all of this, please remember all the nice, wonderful things that people have said about you! Try to repeat to yourself "I'm a kind and valuable human being!" in fron of the mirror until you believe it and you feel a bit better about it, because IT IS TRUE and we all know that! Please be kind to yourself, ok? You did nothing wrong! You're a strong, wonderful person and WE ALL KNOW THAT! Sending many hugs to you, sarahsweets! YOU ROCK!

It’s not personal and could be done for number of reasons, same way we are selective who we talk to irl, we could be selective online.

Ignore feature could prevent people from PMing you some strange things or prevent you from seeing their posts if you find them nonsensical.

I am pretty sure I am on some people’s ignore lists, I’ve no idea and they have their rights not to see my posts. Doesn’t make them bad people not wanting to read what I have to say. I don’t think I am that important

Sure everyone has value but you don’t talk to everyone irl so it’s only expected that someone wouldn’t want to talk to you on here or you’d want to stay away from someone. It’s not something you did, it’s just people have rights not to read your posts

I would say, you just didnt know The Rules when you first got here? And some of your earlier responses were kinda harsh. I started out the same way, and some of mine still are too pointed. I hurt peoples feelings and they will never trust me again. Hopefully this post of yours will show people that you are desirous and worthy of a second chance.

Hey Sarahsweets, I don't think you're a bad person either... but I'm also someone who gets hurt easily by bluntness (sorry!).

I hope you can take AmandaLouise's explanation to heart, I think she did a really great job explaining!

I *do* use the ignore list, so it surprises me that so many people are so against it. For me, there are a couple people that just... routinely... end up posting in ways destabilize me. Sometimes, it's people that I can't read without wanting to argue with them, which wouldn't be helpful for me or the other people on the forum and sometimes it's stuff that just feels hurtful, even if it's not meant that way, because of my own stuff.

I tend to be all over the place emotionally, and highly reactive to stuff. So, being able to filter out posts from people that routinely trigger me in that way is super helpful.

I've *never* put someone on ignore out of spite or to purposefully upset them or convey a message to them . It's always been out of self-preservation!

As an example of what I mean... this is not from the forums, but when I was researching who to do neurofeedback with, one of the people that I contacted was sort of sarcastic to me in response to my questions. His response literally ruined my day - I had felt fine before, and I just crashed, became very depressed, and ended up in bed crying. It's definitely very much an "over reaction" - in the sense of being not proportional to what was said - but that's where I'm at emotionally and what my brain does right now! This is really difficult to deal with, it feels like little things from the world can just be *devasting* at times, even when they're clearly not ill-intentioned. Thus, the "ignore" function feels a bit like a life-saver to me.

I know this doesn't really explain what happened with the person that you had been chatting with, but hopefully it gives some insight.

*hugs*

Who cares? I just wish it would show before I write a nice, comforting post that takes like 40 minutes to write, than BEEP, sorry you can't post it, you're blocked.

Also I have someone on ignore because I was TOLD TO. That person got sorta mad I think and blocked me back. Of course I couldn't explain that it wasn't my choice.

I know I'm a nice person but here I keep people at arms length because no one should get any ideas of befriending me.

Forced niceness is kind of hard. I can't tell it from the real thing. I don't wanna be fooled, yannow?

I just wanted to let you all know that I am working on replies to specific posts and I thank you all so much so far..

Thank you so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyShadow I'm going to be honest with you here. People do crap that is just hurtful without reason or remorse. It's hard to not take those things personally - I know because I am dealing with a lot of that myself lately in the wake of my last episode in which almost ALL of my support system just up and left and just didn't care. It taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me that the world is unforgiving, so WE must make the world a better place for ourselves. You know what I mean? What I am saying is my new attitude is I am going to be selfish. I am going to look out for me #1 and put myself above all others and I honestly think you should do the same. You think you're blunt and too honest? Own it! If that girl blocked you, you have to let it go cause you can't control her actions, and I know for me that's the hardest part. I think because we are behind a screen its TOO easy to just "click" and block and not have to explain yourself to anyone. It all part of the accepted "ghosting" now. You are doing great - especially if you don't block anyone because you value what people say, I appreciate that a lot. And, if you want a friend I am just a message away!

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandalouise the ignore feature isnt about you. its about the person who has you on ignore. the online ignore feature is like that. its not about you and whether you are a good person or not. its about that other persons triggers. the ignore feature is a self care feature that allows others to control their self and their own triggers.

Thank you for saying this and you are so right. I never looked at it this way but it is a self care tool.

Quote:

my point is its not you, the ignore feature is nether a punishment nor says whether someone is good or bad, its just about that persons own triggers and that they are taking good self care of them selves.

This was an excellent post for me. Thank you!

As usual @MickeyCheeky you are super kind to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky You're NOT an horrible person, sarahsweets! I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I understand why you'd feel hurt by all of this, but that DOESN'T mean that you're an horrible person or that you're coming across that way! I completely agree with what amandalouise has already wisely said! Some people just need to protect themselves from certain topics or triggers! It doesn't mean they have necessarely something against you! Even if they do have, try not to take it too personally! We can't expect everyone to like us after all, right? Sometimes it can happen! There's nothgin wrong with that and there's CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Please remember that! Please don't be so hard on yourself and when you're feeling down by all of this, please remember all the nice, wonderful things that people have said about you! Try to repeat to yourself "I'm a kind and valuable human being!" in fron of the mirror until you believe it and you feel a bit better about it, because IT IS TRUE and we all know that! Please be kind to yourself, ok? You did nothing wrong! You're a strong, wonderful person and WE ALL KNOW THAT! Sending many hugs to you, sarahsweets! YOU ROCK!

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 It’s not personal and could be done for number of reasons, same way we are selective who we talk to irl, we could be selective online.

This makes total sense. You are right, we do control who we deal with IRL. I was just at my AA meeting last night and this much older guy was totally creeping me out and blatantly hitting on me. I can hold my own now and dropped all the hints that I am happily married including "showing" my wing-woman friend my wedding ring. Finally I just had to walk away.

Quote:

I am pretty sure I am on some people’s ignore lists, I’ve no idea and they have their rights not to see my posts. Doesn’t make them bad people not wanting to read what I have to say. I don’t think I am that important

I should know this already. Recovery-talk always reminds us that we do not need to be so self important or self centered and that the world doesnt revolve around us. I need to remember that I am not that unique or profound, or prolific that the whole world needs to see what it is that I am saying. Thanks for the reminder.

Sarahsweets, You're OK in my "book."

You’re not awful. You’re not all bad or all good. I always get the sense from your posts that you are motivated by a sincere desire to connect with others and be supportive.

I’m with you in that I recently was quite harsh and judgmental in a comment on a thread. I’m usually not like that. There were some negative things the OP did that triggered me to let him have it. I’m likely blocked too.

The only couple of times I’ve ever blocked anyone here was because I felt those people were really taking jabs at me, unnecessarily so. I was triggered one time by this person’s comment to a very deep depressive and dangerous episode. This IS a psych site. So, blocking was for my own safety to avoid harm.

PS I also have used block.., but not to hurt anyone. Respect to all in this thread. Nobody in this thread is an awful person.

Hi Sarahsweets,

Thanks for posting this thread.

I empathize with you and I can guarantee that a lot of fellow users can as well!

It is hard not to take blocking personally, but there are MANY people on Psych Central with a vast array of particular issues: each with its own set of triggers. While we can do everything possible to sensor and cator to the majority of users - we cannot possibly cator to all of them. What may help one - may trigger another. It's not that we want to intentionally trigger others - it is that we can inadvertently do it even if we spent countless hours carefully combing over what we write. I have found this to be the case many times and I know it has nothing to do with me, it has more to do with them. Coming to terms with this can take time, but rest in knowing that this is common, especially online. Trauma is delicate and extremely complex - no amount of understanding can possibly allow us the insight necessary to impress and cator to everyone's uniqueness at all times.

It makes sense that you are offended by this, especially when you want to help others and even more-so if you are sensitive. Clearly rejection is a trigger of yours and I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It is a trigger of mine as well. Perhaps this is an opportunity to explore this particular trigger of yours and work on it. If you need closure with the user who blocked you - feel free to write about it on the forums and ask for support like you have done in this thread. I think it is an important topic and your emotions are valid. Be sure to be gentle with yourself and explore any guilt or shame that you may be feeling. Use the negative emotion as fuel to continue helping others!

I hope this helps.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Thanks HD, I also have recently been blocked by someone who is very prolific and I had no idea what if anything I did “wrong”...

I think I’ll delete my other post I made here in this thread.

I’ve been wondering this about myself lately. A friend drew my attention to this thread. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells everywhere I go in life. I’m not a horrible person and I even try to censor myself. But I can’t take medication so I get triggered and I make mistakes.

I really like the explanations and comments on this topic so far. I will only add a few experiences to explain why I've used the block function in the past.

On a different website: I used to be a bipolar forum facilitator. One member was very unwell, even with a second dx. She became almost obsessed with me. I did my best to manage the relationship the best I could for months, but it started to stress me out too much over time. She meant no harm, but I had to cut the cord for my own wellness.

Here: A long while back, I witnessed two members harshly criticizing another for hypergraphia. The member with hypergraphia was clearly very unwell in a few respects. I was a bit hypomanic at the time, so PMd the rougher of the two trying to explain what causes hypergraphia. [I'm prone to hypergraphia, too.] That member wrote the scariest stuff in her response to me. I think she was ill, too. I had to block her because I feared her anger would intensify into bullying of me.

Another member was unwell and threatening suicide in many posts. I was triggered by it because my nephew had died by suicide not long before. Though I blocked this member, I doubt he/she knew. I eventually unblocked them. By that time, their posts were no longer triggering for me.

It's hard to know what may or may not trigger a person. It could be something very minor. The fact is, we are all here because we're dealing with various levels of stress and illness. We can make choices as to what we read. Please don't take offense if/when you are blocked and don't hesitate to block someone if that is best for you. As someone wrote above, you have to put yourself first.

Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.

I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient.

Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates.

I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies.

I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world.

When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon.

If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful.

In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna I would say, you just didnt know The Rules when you first got here? And some of your earlier responses were kinda harsh. I started out the same way, and some of mine still are too pointed. I hurt peoples feelings and they will never trust me again. Hopefully this post of yours will show people that you are desirous and worthy of a second chance.

Thank you for this feedback.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guilloche Hey Sarahsweets, I don't think you're a bad person either... but I'm also someone who gets hurt easily by bluntness (sorry!). I hope you can take AmandaLouise's explanation to heart, I think she did a really great job explaining! I *do* use the ignore list, so it surprises me that so many people are so against it. For me, there are a couple people that just... routinely... end up posting in ways destabilize me. Sometimes, it's people that I can't read without wanting to argue with them, which wouldn't be helpful for me or the other people on the forum and sometimes it's stuff that just feels hurtful, even if it's not meant that way, because of my own stuff. I tend to be all over the place emotionally, and highly reactive to stuff. So, being able to filter out posts from people that routinely trigger me in that way is super helpful. I've *never* put someone on ignore out of spite or to purposefully upset them or convey a message to them . It's always been out of self-preservation! As an example of what I mean... this is not from the forums, but when I was researching who to do neurofeedback with, one of the people that I contacted was sort of sarcastic to me in response to my questions. His response literally ruined my day - I had felt fine before, and I just crashed, became very depressed, and ended up in bed crying. It's definitely very much an "over reaction" - in the sense of being not proportional to what was said - but that's where I'm at emotionally and what my brain does right now! This is really difficult to deal with, it feels like little things from the world can just be *devasting* at times, even when they're clearly not ill-intentioned. Thus, the "ignore" function feels a bit like a life-saver to me. I know this doesn't really explain what happened with the person that you had been chatting with, but hopefully it gives some insight. *hugs*

I wanted to clarify: I am not against the ignore system at all. I think its a very fair and useful tool. I am obviously taking this personally and am getting over it. I suspect some of it does have to do with my involvement in recovery. I can handle when someone doesn't like me because I can't please everyone. What gets me upset is when I do not get the opportunity to apologize and make amends. I really do not like hurting people or making them uncomfortable. They do not have to accept my apology or remove the ignore but I have to get over my desire to make things right. I used the ignore function on another forum because of sexual harassment so I really believe it is a useful tool.