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Location: California, USA
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#41
I literally cannot comprehend "comfort". A symptom of Complex PTSD is anhedonia - the inability to process pleasure. All of my time at home is spent recovering from being with people and preparing for the next battle.
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#42
Welcome to my world. There are some workplaces that seek out aspergery people, you might find acceptance there. There have been articles in the nytimes in the past decade or so. Also a university near chicago, de-something, i forget exactly.
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Anonymous44076
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#43
Yes, I experience anhedonia with my depression. It's horrible but fortunately not constantly with me. Comes and goes. I find mindfulness and guided meditation really helpful.
I understand what you mean about the energy involved in interacting with others. I am sensitive to others' energy so if I have difficult or dark energy around me that can be really draining. Sometimes I just wall myself up...something I appear to have learned instinctively in childhood. I would disappear to my room for hours or take off on my bike for a whole day when I got the chance. Interestingly, my family always labeled me an "introvert" in childhood because I was silent and alone a lot. But people who know me in my adult life all say I'm an "extrovert" and I do love to chat with others. I think I was just hiding years ago. To survive. |
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Member
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#44
To all the people who say I need to change my behavior: Do you think the victims of bullies need to change their behavior to satisfy the demands of their tormentors? Do you think those abusers can ever be satisfied?
Because that's what we're dealing with here - everyone is my bully. Every person starts bullying me on contact, before I even speak or act. I don't antagonize anyone - everyone picks on me out of the blue. You can't have it both ways; you can't say that the victims of bullies are innocent and owe bullies nothing yet tell me I need to change my behavior to satisfy my assailants. __________________ Please don't hug me. |
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#45
Thank you for sharing your truth TheUrOther. For what it's worth, I am not here to change anyone on PC. Not you or anyone else. I work on changes in my own life. Other people's choices are for them to determine or not....that's up to them.
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#46
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What do you reveal about yourself? Is it something you must reveal like a criminal record? Or is it something you have rights to keep private? Workplace doesn't need to know everything. I’d like to help you but it’s hard without knowing the issue. I’d say if particular people spread rumors about you and those rumors cause you not to get a job, it threatens your livelihood and I personally go see a lawyer. Lawyer can write a letter to these people with demands to stop rumors and you might even have some ground for a lawsuit. Last edited by divine1966; May 19, 2019 at 06:20 AM.. |
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Member
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#47
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Even before the Internet Age, the rumors outran me - I have tried moving and everyone already knew who I was, or at least knew someone who did. Now my rumors can be searched on the Internet, and messenger services are filled with lies about me. There is not a social group in existence that does not have a member who is spreading lies about me. That's simply how human communication works. Quote:
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You don't understand the scope of the problem. There is nowhere for me to turn; humanity's hatred of me is popular - everyone loves it, and no one turns it away. __________________ Please don't hug me. |
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#48
Like Pfrog, I’m somewhat hesitant to post here.
Thank you for your thought provoking posts... Nobody has the right to judge you... or any of us here... imho Obviously though as members of Homo sapiens, outcasts or not, everyone does form judgments and opinions... (Deleted my next sentence as I have a heavy internal censor and I’ve also been heavily censored and judged by many.. others... who didn’t even know me. For that matter my parental units didn’t even know me. Personally I have found Pete Walker helpful. I too have faced a lot of hostility and abuse often for frankly no good reason.. I find one of the worst flaws in humanity (not everyone.. and I’m working on my own assumptions etc..) is their massive tendency to make wrong assumptions. And projection... Not much more to add at this point. __________________ |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#49
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Could you provide an example of what exactly do these people say or do? You say they spread rumors but what about and how does the police get involved in it? Extortion is against the law so you certainly can file a police report about people involved in it. If police is spreading slander could you talk to a higher official? It wouldn’t cost you anything. File a complaint It’s hard for us to understand without at least some examples |
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Member
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#50
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I base my judgements on scientific fact and pre-established evidence; other people base their judgments and opinions on their emotions and what makes them popular. Quote:
I hope you are not suggesting that I'm making wrong assumptions and/or projecting. Every thought I make is based on pre-established evidence - I can't afford to make mistakes by assuming anything, as people have proven that they will take advantage of every mistake I make. I certainly can't assume people will behave in good faith when the vast majority consistently act in bad faith. And I don't have enough of an identity to project coherently - there is not enough there - and what's there changes too rapidly - to generate a whole thought. Quote:
My memory doesn't work that way - my brain does not retain specifics; it only rips apart memories and sorts the individual facts, destroying irrelevant details. I don't know what rumors they spread exactly, but those rumors make people hate and fear me. The police in general refuse to get involved at all, individual police are involved either as extortionists or friends of extortionists. Quote:
The last time I tried anything like this, I got beaten to the edge of death, and promised if I did it again I would be killed. The law protects the powerful against the powerless - not the other way around. It is ridiculous to think that the law will in any way help me. Quote:
Why? Can't you just use your ability to think in the abstract to figure it out? Almost all of my thinking is in the abstract - I can't afford to think in specific terms, because every solution I create I can only afford to implement if it solves multiple issues at once. If my solutions only solve one thing at a time, they will cost more than the problems they fix! I am under severe economic constraints here - everything is expensive for me, because I have so little. I have to measure every action as equivalent to quantities of blood lost - how much blood would I have to lose in order to be in as poor of health as I would be after I perform an action? So every action I perform I must squeeze as much utility as I can, as every action weakens me and leaves me vulnerable to attack - not to mention people are already using the strategy of starving me of resources as it is... __________________ Please don't hug me. |
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#51
Hi TheUrOther, I have the impression that you are looking for validation and connection on PC rather than ideas for solutions or questions about your troubles. Do I have that right? Everyone here is seeking something different so it helps us all to know what each person wants when they post. Sorry for adding another question if you don't want questions here! I just want to understand your wishes when we communicate on PC.
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unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#52
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#53
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Now I see you did provide horrifying example of people beating you and threatening you. It’s horrifying. I am so sorry to hear that. Were these people your friends, strangers or law officials? Knowing who are these people would determine course of action. Assaulting someone the way you described warrants pressing charges ASAP. But I understand if you live somewhere where police might be more dangerous than people who attacked you I don’t know where you live but it sounds like a very unsafe neighborhood. I can emphasize with that. I used to live in a quite bad place and was not in a position to move at the moment. I don’t want to trigger people but I understand that. I am sorry you are unsafe. and can’t support yourself at the moment, I hope for better times ahead . Last edited by divine1966; May 19, 2019 at 05:01 PM.. Reason: Found out OP is from US so removed that question |
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Member
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#54
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What about my actions make you think I want "validation"? How the heck does "validation" stop
Possible trigger:
Friends? I've never had a friend in my entire - and that fact defines the entire problem! No one will be my friend or support me in any way thanks to the propaganda and rumor-mongering going on; no one will be my friend because everyone thinks I'm a monster, thanks to all the lies in people's heads. Whether it is unsafe for other people does not matter; all neighborhoods are unsafe to me, because other people live in them. It could be perfectly safe for everyone else; it will be dangerous for me because all humans are inherently dangerous to me, because they are irrational and refuse to control their emotions. They allow their fear to dictate not just their behavior, but their very thoughts. My emotional center can't even communicate with my rational brain; that line was cut ever since my parents tortured mental discipline into me. __________________ Please don't hug me. Last edited by FooZe; May 20, 2019 at 12:26 AM.. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines |
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#55
I don't think I have anything helpful to add to this thread so I will leave it here and wish you TheUrOther and the other posters peace. Take good care of yourselves.
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Anonymous41006, happysobercrafter, unaluna
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#56
****TRIGGER WARNING****
"that line was cut ever since my parents tortured mental discipline into me." I understand that. My family was torment too. I am the youngest of three girls and my mother and two older sisters bullied and abused me so badly that almost my entire childhood is a blank. That is called Traumatic Amnesia. It accompanies a lot of other mental illness and physical illness issues I battle daily. What helped me after a bazillion hours of AA meetings, support grounds and psychotherapy was I had to face the blinding crippling pain my family buried inside me. The last thing in the world I wanted to give any thought to was my monster family. It was painful and took a long time to get through, but I got through it. And as I moved through my grief, those distorted lies they spewed at me lost their power over me and I began to feel happiness. Would you like to know what thoughts tormented me? I thought I was truly defective, useless and stupid. They pummelled that into my head growing up. Those lies cemented me in the self-destructive mindset I tried to build my life on. Of course I failed. But now, today, I am better and doing everything I can to keep moving forward and make the most I can out of my life. I wish we could help you somehow. You sound angry and miserable. I am sorry your parents treated you that way. You were a little kid dependent on them for your survival. How could you have turned out any differently? __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter Last edited by happysobercrafter; May 19, 2019 at 09:45 PM.. |
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#57
SilverTrees: May I ask why you're giving up now?
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Thank you; unfortunately one of if not the reason my parents tortured me so badly was to prevent anyone from being able to reverse what they did. From their point of view, the idea of me being successfully treated and their work being successfully reversed was worse than damnation. I just wish I knew why everyone else picked up their torch and continued where they left off. What reason do other people - all other people - have to torture a harmless six-year-old? __________________ Please don't hug me. |
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#58
That is an important question. Honestly, I don't think I know the true answer because I don't understand it myself. I don't understand how people abuse a child even seeing how the child is crying and visibly upset. They may look human, but inside, they aren't.
Are you familiar with child development? Little kids are like sponges. What they see and hear, they absorb and repeat. If a small child is surrounded by anger and rage, that is what they take in. So, since that is what they know, that is how they behave. If no one is there to correct that and help the child do better, that behavior gets locked in place as they grow up. Our emotions are the foundation of our behavior. Understandably, you have mountains of anger and rage inside you. That fuels, I think, your behavior and contributes to people avoiding you. Have you ever been in therapy or seen a grief counselor? A good counselor can help you get through those emotions that are holding you back. But, for that to work, you have to be willing to talk about what hurts you and cry a lot because that is how you will get better and straighten out your thinking. Once you work on the emotions that, it seems to me, overhelm you, they won't bother you as much. That is healing, you would be healing. It takes a long time to heal, but that would get you on your way to getting better. __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter |
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#59
I am intimately familiar with child development sciences; I have studied them to try to make sense of why I'm hated.
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They are NOT the foundations of mine. My foundation is built on logic and evidence. Quote:
All said, I'm not doing an analysis of my social life - I'm doing an autopsy. I've completely giving up trying to reach you people. Now, I'm trying to stop you from doing the same to another generation. Quote:
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My thinking is straight. I'm not the one who's foundation is built on irrationality and randomness. Again, you are so incredibly confused. I'm wielding my emotions like a weapon. I have control over my emotions to the point of strangulation - doctors have accused me of over-control, not a lack of it. __________________ Please don't hug me. |
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#60
While I cannot answer for @SilverTrees, I can provide an answer for myself ...
Self-Preservation! Many of us here have tried to offer advice that we've found helpful in our own recovery processes, yet you continue to push it away again and again and often in an angry, challenging and hostile manner. Many of us have also been exactly where you are right now. It's okay to find ourselves in that place as we wrestle with how to overcome and/or simply accept so many unfair life events (including cruelty, brutality and abuse) in order to maintain some kind of functionality in life so we can take care of our basic necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, etc. IT IS NOT OKAY to allow ourselves to STAY STUCK there though because when we do that then everything else in our life falls apart along with it ... We basically become useless to ourselves and others, and that's never a good place to find oneself! It's kind of like being on a sinking ship and trying to convince the last hold out to put on their @#$%! life preserver! We can either keep trying to talk them into saving themselves and end up drowning with them, or we can leave them where they're at and save ourselves! THAT is SELF-PRESERVATION! We really do want to be helpful, but you refuse that help, so in order to not get drug down into and by your issues, we're leaving it with you. Knowing when to let go is also an important part of the healing process. That's why so many of us are letting go of this thread. I truly do hope you find a way to start healing, but you've got to really want it to get it; and, until such time, ain't too much nobody else can do to help you. Sincerely, Pfrog! |
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