[MelodicMelody]

I would like to know what it could it be to have sudden anger over the smallest things then be remorseful like 30 minutes later begging for forgiveness, a deep sadness on and off throughout the day, having the feeling that someone is always staring at you, and

Possible trigger:

constantly having suicidal thoughts.

Apologies for the wall of text, not really sure what I'm trying to ask or how to ask it.

Hi MelodicMelody. What you describe are very serious symptoms. I hope that you are seeing a doctor and letting him/her know about these symptoms. It's very important!

Hello MelodicMelody,

so sorry you are struggling with those unpleasant feelings. Sounds like you may be living with some sort of mood disorder which needs to be assessed by a doctor. It is important to note is that the sooner we investigate an imbalance in our health, the easier it is to develop a plan in order to regain balance. This is particularly true for emotional health. I live with depression. Sometimes if I wait too long to address it when it gets worse, the longer it takes for me to get back on track. Does that make sense? I hope you can find a kind doctor.

I wish you peace, hope, and good health. You deserve it. Your present does not have to be your future; things can get better with some help.

[MelodicMelody]

Thank you both for your kind responses. I do see a doctor, I do not however like talking about myself or how I feel when in person. Which is why I was bouncing around my thoughts on the internet for anonymity. It's a little embarrassing honestly.

Understandable. These are painful things for anyone to discuss in person. Just so you know, there are now a lot of therapists who offer therapy over the phone. Perhaps it would be easier for you to open up that way without the face to face? There are also crisis lines you can call to discuss your suicidal ideation. I have used those a few times when I was alone and overwhelmed by my troubled thoughts. I found the people who answered to be kind and non-judgmental. By the nature of the calls they take all day or night, they are not shocked or uncomfortable with the topic of suicidal ideation. One listener even taught me about 'grounding techniques' which got me through a rough weekend alone.
Personally, I find that the more I can freely open up to someone safe, the better I start to feel. But that's just me. I am not negating your feelings.

Sorry if it feels like I'm not offering you much online help here. I just think the nature of what you're struggling with is too serious for me to comment on specifically here. And I'm not a doctor or therapist as I'm sure you know

I continue to wish you peace.

[Open Eyes]

I myself suffer from ptsd, when it was really bad I would be sensitive like you described and feel bad that I was that sensitive. I also suffered from suicidal impulses. That can be significantly reduced with the right therapist so as hard as it is to reach out for help, a good therapist can really help you learn to understand your challenges and find ways to reduce the deep regret you feel when you suddenly experience a bout of anger that you vent than later regret.