[mattdadd]

I've felt more immature than my peers ever since I was eight. And now, after reaching adulthood, it's become more obvious to others as well. I break into tears if someone raises their voice or curses at me, I don't know how to take out my frustrations and end up doing something stupid, I'm extremely dependent on others, I can't handle criticism, and I can't talk through my issues without crying or having a panic attack. Multiple people have now told me they're scared to say anything negative to me because I "won't be able to handle it," and that everyone "walks on eggshells" around me. Is this just a flawed personality trait, or could it be something more serious? I've been trying to improve for years but nothing seems to work.

(Sorry if emotional immaturity isn't what I should be calling it. I don't know what else it could be called.)

[Yaowen]

Dear mattdadd,

I am so sorry about the situation you describe. In my opinion, "maturity" and "immaturity" do not constitute two boxes where one is either in one or the other. They constitute a range of values. Everyone is mature in some ways and immature in others. I also think there are both helpful and unhelpful types of maturity.

Often what is called "immaturity" is related to processes in the brain, normal and pathological. So I would never want to label someone "immature" since it is generally regarded as a derogatory term.

Human beings are made of up of trillions of things and I don't think anyone could truthfully or justly be "summed up" with a label like "immature." That would be a gross oversimplification of what is a deep and complex reality. To label oneself in this way, I think would not only be inaccurate and just to you, but would be untruthful to truth itself and unjust to justice itself. You are a million times more that any on part or aspect of yourself.

I would be happy to share with you ideas I have learned about maturity and how to acquire it from cognitive therapy if you are interested. I won't write them now since you may be uninterested in them. Let me know if you are interested and I will share them with you.

In any case, I hope you find ways to have peace of mind in your struggle and also joy of living. It takes a great deal of heroism to tolerate oneself and be patient with oneself when one finds things in oneself that one regards as unwelcome. So I think you are very heroic.

I wish you only the best.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Skeezyks]

I don't know as I have any real answers to this although I have experienced some of it myself. And, like you, I've been trying to improve for years. But, in the end, I'm still just the same old person. There are a number of things I could point to as perhaps being the cause of my own sensitivity. But I don't really know if any of them are actually at the root of it. Perhaps it's simply a genetic trait?

One possible explanation for what you experience might be that you are what is referred to as a "highly sensitive person". Perhaps you're familiar with that concept? Here are links to 7 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:

Understanding a Highly Sensitive Person : What is an HSP?

What Makes a Highly Sensitive Person?

5 Ways Highly Sensitive People Can Live In an Insensitive World

What Does It Mean to Be a Highly Sensitive Person?

10 Tips for Highly Sensitive People

https://psychcentral.com/blog/more-c...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-gift...dium=popular17

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Dear mattdadd,

I would be happy to share with you ideas I have learned about maturity and how to acquire it from cognitive therapy if you are interested. I won't write them now since you may be uninterested in them. Let me know if you are interested and I will share them with you.

I'm definitely interested in hearing what you've learned. I think it could be very helpful.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

One possible explanation for what you experience might be that you are what is referred to as a "highly sensitive person". Perhaps you're familiar with that concept?

I've heard the term before, but I don't know much about it, so I'll read all the articles you shared.

[MsLady]

Being extremely dependent on others is also a symptom of codependency.

From what I've read, codependency, hyper sensitivity, difficulties with criticism are symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. I am not labeling you with this. I thought you may be interested in reading about it and decide for yourself if it's applicable. If so, talk with a professional.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Being extremely dependent on others is also a symptom of codependency.

From what I've read, codependency, hyper sensitivity, difficulties with criticism are symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. I am not labeling you with this. I thought you may be interested in reading about it and decide for yourself if it's applicable. If so, talk with a professional.

Thanks! I'll look into BPD as well then.

[Travelinglady]

I think it comes from how we are raised, at least in part. I found therapy to be helpful for me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by mattdadd

I've felt more immature than my peers ever since I was eight. And now, after reaching adulthood, it's become more obvious to others as well. I break into tears if someone raises their voice or curses at me, I don't know how to take out my frustrations and end up doing something stupid, I'm extremely dependent on others, I can't handle criticism, and I can't talk through my issues without crying or having a panic attack. Multiple people have now told me they're scared to say anything negative to me because I "won't be able to handle it," and that everyone "walks on eggshells" around me. Is this just a flawed personality trait, or could it be something more serious? I've been trying to improve for years but nothing seems to work.

(Sorry if emotional immaturity isn't what I should be calling it. I don't know what else it could be called.)

there is no one cause for emotional immaturity. human beings are not clones of each other, so they dont develop or react the same ways as each other. each person has their own ways they learn and grow, experience emotions, some people are shy, some are outgoing, some cry when they fall down others laugh, some get scared while watching scarey movies others enjoy that adreneline rush from watching a scary movie. some people fly off the handle in rage where others take time to think things through.

if you feel you are experiencing emotional immaturity contact your treatment providers, they may know of classes like anger management or other things that can help you to learn about emotions and how to show them in a way that you are not feeling immature.

[devondegenero]

Originally Posted by mattdadd

I've felt more immature than my peers ever since I was eight. And now, after reaching adulthood, it's become more obvious to others as well. I break into tears if someone raises their voice or curses at me, I don't know how to take out my frustrations and end up doing something stupid, I'm extremely dependent on others, I can't handle criticism, and I can't talk through my issues without crying or having a panic attack. Multiple people have now told me they're scared to say anything negative to me because I "won't be able to handle it," and that everyone "walks on eggshells" around me. Is this just a flawed personality trait, or could it be something more serious? I've been trying to improve for years but nothing seems to work.


(Sorry if emotional immaturity isn't what I should be calling it. I don't know what else it could be called.)

I am the same way, as i got older i was amazed that adults could act in such an immature manner. The fact that anyone would want to say anything negative to you shows their immaturity. You are probally in disbelief it even happends.

[devondegenero]

Your above them, they are just trying to get a rise from you because you had such emotional control.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by devondegenero

I am the same way, as i got older i was amazed that adults could act in such an immature manner. The fact that anyone would want to say anything negative to you shows their immaturity. You are probally in disbelief it even happends.

Well, they're usually saying it because they feel I did something wrong, or there's something I should improve. It's not typically said for the sake of being hurtful. For example, a significant other telling me I need to be more affectionate or better at listening.

[Thunder Bow]

Don't worry about what others tell you. Trust in yourself.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Don't worry about what others tell you. Trust in yourself.

I don't think it's healthy though.

[Thunder Bow]

Trusting in your self is Very Healthy.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Trusting in your self is Very Healthy.

That's not what I mean. I think it's unhealthy for me to live in denial and pretend that my immaturity isn't an issue.

[ARaven0137]

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I can imagine it could be debilitating at times and it sounds like you're self conscious about it. It's difficult to say if it's emotional immaturity without knowing more. You mentioned you were an adult, but at 18 that might be more age appropriate. Just as a guess, it does sound like you may be very sensitive to comments or actions by others, which is not necessarily immature in and of itself. Has this issue been improving or getting worse or staying the same over time? You might be headed in the right direction and it could just be a long process.

I think of immaturity more like what I experienced with a friend of mine, whom I've commented about. He is well into his 20's but is entirely dependent upon others for his financial, emotional and physical well being. His manner, behavior, and emotional expression are more appropriate for someone around 14 or 15 years of age. Being around him was like being back in junior high and I half expected him to yank my ponytail as a juvenile way of getting my attention. Being overly sensitive was part of his issue, but it was one of many. His emotional expressions were surely not age appropriate.

It sounds like you want to have more of a sense of "emotional toughness", if I'm using the right term. It's possible that you could benefit from seeing a counselor who could have some ideas about how to improve your sensitivity. I absolutely wish you a good journey in this and hope you find what you seek.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by ARaven0137

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I can imagine it could be debilitating at times and it sounds like you're self conscious about it. It's difficult to say if it's emotional immaturity without knowing more. You mentioned you were an adult, but at 18 that might be more age appropriate. Just as a guess, it does sound like you may be very sensitive to comments or actions by others, which is not necessarily immature in and of itself. Has this issue been improving or getting worse or staying the same over time? You might be headed in the right direction and it could just be a long process.

I think of immaturity more like what I experienced with a friend of mine, whom I've commented about. He is well into his 20's but is entirely dependent upon others for his financial, emotional and physical well being. His manner, behavior, and emotional expression are more appropriate for someone around 14 or 15 years of age. Being around him was like being back in junior high and I half expected him to yank my ponytail as a juvenile way of getting my attention. Being overly sensitive was part of his issue, but it was one of many. His emotional expressions were surely not age appropriate.

It sounds like you want to have more of a sense of "emotional toughness", if I'm using the right term. It's possible that you could benefit from seeing a counselor who could have some ideas about how to improve your sensitivity. I absolutely wish you a good journey in this and hope you find what you seek.

I think the issue has stayed about the same over the years. I'm currently reliant on others for everything, including finances. And it's not a big deal yet since I'm on a break between high school and college; however, it's extremely difficult for me to see myself getting a job in the future, and that's a problem. I haven't even applied for college yet (partly because of COVID).

Also, I noticed an obvious difference in the way I'm treated by my parents compared to my younger sister. Despite me being an adult, my parents baby me. They do most things for me and talk to me the same way they did before I even hit puberty. Not to mention, they tell my little sister to look after me (make me food, wake me up, play with me, etc).

I'm already seeing a therapist, but I'll ask them about ways I can become less sensitive, so thank you for the suggestion.

[Iloivar]

Have you told your therapist everything that you've told us here? If not, that's what I would do.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by mattdadd

That's not what I mean. I think it's unhealthy for me to live in denial and pretend that my immaturity isn't an issue.

Having feelings is not immaturity. Actually you seem to be dealing with them in a mature manner without blaming and accusing others for them. You seem to own your feelings. Those who accuse you are the immature ones.

I think a lot of people here offered some things to explore. Definitely, this is a perfect topic for therapy. A really important one!

I do think, as one person mentioned, that individuals are born with certain tendencies. Whether or not they equate to a disorder, or are just general personality traits, I'm not sure. I also think upbringing can play a role. Have you studied a bit of psychology in school? If so, you may recall "nature vs. nurture". How we feel, think, act, etc, is influenced by both.

If you feel that any level of emotional immaturity affects your life negatively, it would be good to work on growth. I definitely think such growth is more than possible. That doesn't mean you have to be "tough as nails" or stop enjoying cartoons, if you still like them, but do continue to grow.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Having feelings is not immaturity. Actually you seem to be dealing with them in a mature manner without blaming and accusing others for them. You seem to own your feelings. Those who accuse you are the immature ones.

How I handle my emotions here in the forum doesn't reflect how I handle them in real life. The issue isn't that I have feelings, but rather that I lash out because of them.

[Fury]

Heightened senses, emotions, and a heightened self-awareness is actually a sign of higher intelligence. It's not a matter of maturity. You are simply more aware of your surroundings. The easiest way for me to cope with this was to contain my emotional response by observing and imitating others, in order to blend in with my surroundings. It causes a bit of anxiety at times, especially a racing heartbeat, but it's useful.

I like to refer to Vulcans from Star Trek for methods on how to suppress my emotional response. Best way is to find a useful balance between logic and your emotions.

Basically, Spock it. There's nothing wrong with you.

[mountainstream]

[eskielover]

When I was in therapy with my husband before I finally left him at the age of 54 after 33 years of marriage, our T said he had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Yep, that was a serious problem all those years but I never understood what it really was until then, just knew it aggravated me.

Learned after I left that he was on the autistic spectrum.

There are many things that can cause emotional immaturity from the family we grow up in & if there is emotional abuse going on in our childhood to things like having a condition that causes it. There can also be a combination of things.

Sometimes therapy helps, sometimes it doesn't.