I might be the toxic person

I’m really beginning to worry that I might be the problem in my relationships. I’m afraid I am toxic. I definitely know that I have a lot of things about me that I would just rather people not know. I have times when I feel like I been a real piece of s—t in my life. I don’t know if I can ever have really mutually rewarding relationships because I’m not sure if I would want to share all of the intimate details of my thoughts and emotions with someone else, I’m frankly afraid of what I think sometimes.

We all have life chapters we'd rather leave unread... Has anyone told you what they dislike about you? Do you identify patterns?

Similarly, I am not comfortable (in my current relationship) being myself because I will be judged. But, I have friends (and former partner) who I could say whatever I wanted without fear.

It’s not that people often tell me what they don’t like about me, it’s more like I have never felt like I was really close to someone.

I actually feel like a lot of people like me, I just don’t feel like anyone just loves me.

I thought of something specific that happened that I have become worried about in retrospect. I was helping a couple of friends move a couple of weeks ago and I found a hair tie on the floor. I was being silly and jokey with one of them and snuck up behind her and shot it at her. Then I (very sarcastically) denied it. Looking back I feel bad about that. I saw it as joking, of course I did it and of course everyone knows I did, but I can see how that could be interpreted as manipulation, or is it even a sign of a manipulative side that I have hidden even from myself?

Kin of along the same lines, i was really wedded to the belief that i was a good person. When i finally acknowledged to myself that i wasnt the nicest person, things changed for me.

For instance, an old friend was at the funeral home when my mother passed. But she wasnt there to see me or my mother - she was there to make future arrangements for her own family member. She very pointedly told me and others this, as if to disassociate herself from me.

I cant believe the mess i made of my romantic relationships, from age 15 on. I can remember the exact moment my father taught me to lie to escape punishment, by convincing me to tell him the truth, then gleefully telling me he'd tricked me, that life wasnt like on "Father Knows Best."

I have finally settled on: i did the best i could, given what i knew, given the support i had. Mostly my parents confused me with mixed messages. I had one foot in old italian superstitions, the other in Ms. Magazine. I did some good things, but i was also psychologically weak.

I think once you can accept that you dont do everything perfect, that you didnt always do the right thing, that everybody doesnt think you are the best person in the world, then you can relax and be human and enjoy the rest of your life. I think the catholic upbringing hurt me a bit there.

Oh yes, my parents thought I was the bad person because I fought with them (but I noted not with anyone one else). Then I got married & fought with my husband (but noted still not with anyone else). So the common denominator must be me & according to my mom years before she died.....my ex was a "saint" to put up with me.

Well after my parents died & I finally left my now ex husband (after 33 years of putting up with him & 21 years before that of putting up with my parents) & years of good therapy after I left........WOW, I discovered the real common denominator.....their personalities were so similar & I could never trust what they said to be correct. I always questioned & they hated to be questioned when I KNEW they were wrong. Ok....my part in the problem was probably my reaction to them too.....so the problem was on both sides not just one or the other.

I still question what people say if I think they are wrong or what is said is only half of the REAL picture.....but these people don't act like jerks like my parents or ex-husband did & a real normal conversation or even debate can follow & nothing ever esclates into fighting.....unless the other person insists their way of thinking is the only way that is right. Difference now.....I walk away from people like that cause I can

Are your thoughts and intimate details that bad or could you be being too harsh on yourself?

So what can you do differently? Do you want to change?