Social Events and Panic

How do you cope in social situations? My sister is happily married with 2 kids and has a normal life, whearas im divorced, on a disability penson and doing it tough financially.

I dont have a parter, no friends or kids. Im totally all alone. In social situations i feel awkward and dont know what to say or do. Family consist of sisters husbands family so to me they are simply aquaitances. I try to engage myself and act like im interested about the things they talk about but i cant relate.

I live in a different world to them. I suffer from severe panic attacks and have intrusive thoughts. I dont hear voices. I have thoughts from my disfunctional childhood that that wont go away. I could be fine one minitue and next minute i get those intrusive thoughts. going through my mind.

I try to ignore the thoughts but they get worse. Im 61 years old and im so tired of being this. I should be able to handle my emotions and \because i cant i beat myself up for being this way. Im never good enough. Im the weird one in the family.

Sis is the golden child. I just want to forget all this rubbish and be a normal and fuctioning person who doesnt let these thoughts take over my life. It seems easy for everyone because its just a case of me controlling my thoughts. I should have the power to control my thoughts. Everyone think i can snap out of it. I wish I could. Its not as easy as that. I just want to be normal. I dont want pity or being judged.

I really nead to get of my head and do things, connect with people and have friends. Anything to distract myself to stop living inside my head.