How to give a pill to a cat (not for pet section)

For all you readers, this is a fun piece and please be aware that it does include references to drinking alcohol, therefore, I have placed a TRIGGER icon on it. And to anyone who is sensitive to the mistreatment of animals, I would suggest you not read it. It is in a fun and a somewhat exagerated piece but I would still like to provide this courtesy in advance. I have both cats and dogs and I laughed until my sides hurt.


HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply BandAid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet wtih cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down the throat to wash the pill down.



14. Consume the remainer of the scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A DOG

1. Wrap the pill in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Hilarious! lmao And very very true!!

I loved it!

LOL Vickie - thanks for the laugh. It's so true, cats are so different from dogs. I've had many experiences with cats with medication and giving cats a bath.

Once in my teen years I decided to bath our cat in the bathtub - bad idea. I lean over the tub and couldn't get the cat to cooperate - so I decided to get IN the tub WITH the CAT - stupid I know. I was wearing shorts and the cat wasn't declawed - need I say more. It was like wrestling with a slippery, viscious Ninja from Hell. The cat ended up clean and I ended up shredded and visibly shaken. The cat looked like this:

lol...cats are so funny! I had one that liked water...she was really weird.

The part about wrapping the cat in a towel made me laugh because we had to do that for an exam while I was studying. Somehow I managed to miraculously succeed, minus the fact the lecturer was off doing something else and I had to stand there and pray the cat stayed long enough for the lecturer to come back and for everyone else in the class to stop laughing at my obvious stress from through the window.
What make it even harder is that every animal on the campus knows EXACTLY what's about to happen...

LOL! Thanks, Vickie! I guess there's no calmly reasoning with the cat that taking the pill is in his/her best interests...?

OMG...I almost died!!!!! Too funny!!! It wouldnt be, if it werent soooo true!!!!

hahahahaha!! You always have the best jokes Vickie

That's great Vickie...thanks so much for sharing!

LMAOROFL aint that the truth been there with both dogs and cats and reading it is a lot more fun then living it.

Thansk for the post loved it.