What's your favorite joke about shrinks? Please share!

This one deals with a politician.....

A politician asked a friend, who was a professor of philosophy, for some advice about how to give interesting speeches. The professor suggested, "You should start with an interesting question like, 'Why are we all here?'"

The politician tried out the professor's advice before all sorts of audiences and it went fine. Well, until he somehow got persuaded to speak to some people in a mental health ward.

"Why are we all here?" he began in his usual way.

Quick as a flash came a response from the back of the audience, "Because we aren't all there!"

We *love* that one, Payne!!!!

Did you hear about the Freudian shrink who kept six towels in his bathroom? Instead of just "His" and "Hers," he had "His ego," "His id," and "His superego" and the same for his wife......

The district attorney stared at the jury in disbelief. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The district attorney quickly responded, "All twelve of you?"

"Doctor," whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

"Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient, "just these spots."

One of my favorite classic Christmas movies is "Miracle on 54th Street." As you might recall, it's about a man who claims that his real name is Kris Kringle and that he is actually Santa Claus. As might be expected, he is finally snatched up in a taxi and taken to Bellevue. Along the way, several medical/psychological practitioners occur in the movie. Kris knows all the different techniques and methods they use to try to determine sanity. "You want to know who the current president is?" he asks, for example. And then he says the name and continues with, "I can even tell you the vice president of one long ago president." And he gives that information. "I bet you didn't even know that!" he tells the shrink. If you haven't seen it before or as yet this year, try to get it in. Believe me, Kris Kringle is saner than most of the characters in the story! It is a cute and entertaining movie.

Hi! I'm really having to search for shrink jokes, so the one about spots before the eyes was really more about someone seeing a regular doctor. I didn't make that "clear"!

I saw a comic one time about an adult man sitting on Santa Claus's lap. The caption read, "And now for my therapist, I'd like....."

I gave my therapist a "virtual hug" yesterday, and she said she gave me one back! I see my shrink tomorrow. One of these days maybe I can think of some shrink stories from my own experiences. I still hope some of you can come up with some things, too, one of these days!

I've decided that the reason that some people go into psychiatry is that they are just not good listeners. I met with one psychiatrist and he was getting to know my family history. "Do you have any siblings?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," I said. "I have an identical twin sister."

"And how old is she?" he asked.

I've noticed that my shrinks don't normally dress for the holidays, although my current one had a Christmas tree in the waiting room. I guess they don't want to offend anyone. Speaking of not offending anyone, I hope no one is bothered by this story. However, as we know, shrinks are only human--and evidently Santa Claus can get very upset, too, at least according to this "tale." If you're having a bad day, then maybe you can particularly relate!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus informed him that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In this distress, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. And when he went to get the broom to sweep up, he found that mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little tiny angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Eve, Santa! Isn't this a lovely day? I have brought you a beautiful tree. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree....

Hope you ARE having a better Christmas Eve!

Well, Santa evidently overcame his problems from yesterday, since he did make his deliveries! I hope your day will be less problem-free today, too! Merry Christmas! A big to all of you who visit PC today.

Meanwhile, I am now making my list out of things I need to talk to my shrink about next week--and checking it twice! Right now I'm being nice--but I might just come up with some naughty things, too, to make the session interesting! Don't want her to be thinking about her grocery list while I'm yakking away!

A man had his first appointment with the psychiatrist, and when asked why he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few facts first. What do you do for a living?"

The patient replied, "I'm a window washer."

I have been to so many shrinks over the last number of years that I can't remember all of their names. Of course, it's getting to the point where many of them have unusual names anyway like "Sri Lanka," "Pagoda," and "Berenstain." (Or maybe that was a bear I read about....) Where are the ones with last names like Jones and Smith? I guess they all went into internal medicine or something else. My current doc's last name is "Mayo." At least that's easy to remember because I can think of ordering a "BLT" and imagine myself saying, "But hold the mayo!" Otherwise, she'd be "Dr. What's-Her-Face" or "Dr. Thing-a-ma-Bob." I called my last shrink "Dr. Malekpoop," which was fairly close to his real name. I think you get the idea, though, of why I left him!

I'd said it before; the patients have their names on their wristbands, and the staff have theirs on their ID tags. Other than that, no real difference.

I have mixed feelings about this joke, but maybe some of you will like it!

A farmer was passing a mental hospital with a load of fertilizer. A patient called to him through the fence, "What are you hauling?"

"Fertilizer," replied the farmer.

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it on my strawberries."

"And we put cream on ours--and people say we're crazy!" the patient responded.

sorta raunchy, but funny!

Feeling Guilty
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me!" she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

This joke is about a regular doctor, but I know some shrinks have scales in their offices (I have been weighed before there) and also sometimes we have to sit beyond the time of our appointments.....

Whenever I accompanied my aunt to her visitss to her doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. It seemed inevitable that--no matter when she scheduled her appointment--she'd have to wait.

One day when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

"I need to get your weight today," explained the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and forty-five minutes."

That's funny!!!

Medical pun

As the X-ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with her former patient, a coworker nurse whispered to the doctor seated next to her, "Wonder what she saw in him?"

I have to admit that I'm one of those people who like to eat when I'm under stress and find that eating certain foods like chocolate can cheer me up!

I do like, then, this "stress diet for women."

Breakfast: 1 grapefruit, 1 slice whole-wheat toast, 1 cup skim milk.

Lunch: small portion of lean, steamed chicken, cup of spinach, cup of herbal tea, 1 Hershey kiss

Afternoon snack: the rest of the kisses in the bag; tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

Dinner: 2 loaves of garlic bread, 1 family-size pizza, 3 snickers bars

Late night snack: whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Oh, well, so much for good intentions!

Yeah, you really screwed up on the breakfast!

first of all, PAYNE1, thank you so much for starting this thread. it's so nice to poke fun at the ones that make us go "arrrgggghhh" all year. hope the thread continues to bring laughs and ah ha moments in 2011.

i debated whether to post this. i have one time of the year where i get a tad cynical (a tad?) and really should schedule my last pdoc appt. for the year near new year's day. mixed thoughts about the year, etc. blah blah blah

so here's my version of how i'd like to put an end to the year (the year itself you see, not an actual pdoc...hmmm). just keep scrolling to see all the sick, funny, OMG pictures by two candidates for intense psychotherapy...Calvin and Hobbes.

http://weburbanist.com/2010/01/06/38...-in-real-life/

Yes, I agree with Calvin's dad--he needs a psychologist! Thanks for sharing, DancingAlone!

I do hope I'll be able to keep this thread up in 2011. My list of jokes is "shrinking," though, so all contributions are appreciated!

HAPPY 2011 to you all!

Here's a list of the uses that pdocs have for some of the common "drugs" they prescribe:

klon-i-pen ---used for writing out prescriptions

lamp-ic-tal ----- lights up their offices

tie-prex-a ------ worn by male pdocs along with their dress shirt and suit

piss-tiq ------ method used sometime in restrooms

hal-doll ------ given to their daughters as a substitute boyfriend for Barbie

dep-a-coat ----- worn in cold weather

val-i-gum ------ chewed to get rid of bad breath

se-rup-quel ------ poured over pancakes

a-bill-i-fy ------sent out to patients to try to get payment from them

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman asked the nurse, "that the medication the doctor prescribed needs to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes," the nurse responded.

There was a moment of silence before the woman said, "I was wondering, then, just how serious my condition really is. This prescription is marked 'No Refills'."

Hi, great thread!

I hope I get these here right in English and that they were not posted before:

A man sits in a psychological examination. The psychologist draws a triangle and asks: What do you think of when you look at it?"
"Sex", the man replies.
The psychologist draws a circle and asks again "What do you think of when you look at this?"
"Sex", the patient answers.
So the psychologist draws a square. "What do you think of when you look at this?"
"Sex", the patient.
The psychologist: "Can you think of nothing but this one thing?"
The patient: "And who is drawing this dirty smut the entire time?"

A psychiatry telephone hotline:

"Hi and welcome to psychiatry hotline.

If you feel chased, please press 1.
If you have no self-esteem, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have a multiple personality, press number 3 and 4.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and will call you back soon.
If you are psychotic, press the number that a voice is going to give you shortly.
If you have a social phobia, write an SMS with your request to number 4696.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what you press 'cause nobody is going to listen to you anyway.