on the lighter side

These are tooooooooooooooo funny! (Perfect for my simple mind.........)

haha agreeeed and these made me smile

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
*makes new screensaver!*

Where does a one-legged waitress work?


IHOP!

A woman went to a casino for the first time and soon got bored playing slot machines. She wandered up to a roulette table and asked how the game was played.
The rules were explained and she "Well that sounds like fun. But what number should I bet on?" The croupier sighed and said, "why don't you just bet your age."
So she said "OK, I'll put $20 on number 26."

The wheel spun, the marble rattled around... and landed on 34.

And the woman fainted.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. We could never afford to see the world, and it would be wonderful to have the chance’.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II, along with passes for the Concorde, appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me’.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

_The moral of this story_: Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female...

Life
is like a hot bath
the longer you stay in it
the more wrinkled you get!

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street.

The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Wow. Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Please keep these funny things coming! A laugh and a smile are always welcome!

Why do men get married?

Because you cannot blame EVERYTHING on the government.

"Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco" and "Never kick a cow chip on a hot day" - Will Rogers

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this ?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching, wide-eyed, an old grey haired lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady shuffled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above them all light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful ,well developed young blond lady stepped out. The father said to his son, "Hurry, go get your mother!"

A less than bright man inquired of his friend about an item
he was carrying. "It's a Thermos," said the friend.
"What does it do?" said the man. "Well," said the friend,
"it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The next day
the friend noticed that the man had purchased a Thermos.
"What do you have in it," said the friend. The man proudly
responded, "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."