You Have To Be Happy Before You Make Someone Else Happy

The author discusses the topic in the title in a rather short article, the gist of which is as follows:

You can give all you want, but you can’t give something that you don’t already have. If you haven’t achieved happiness for yourself, then how could you possibly help someone else achieve their happiness? It’s impossible. You may be able to provide some short-term pleasure, but you can’t teach someone something that you have no understanding of.

When it comes to first achieving happiness for yourself, I’m reminded of the lecture they often give on airplanes about oxygen masks. They always tell you that in times of emergency you should put your oxygen mask on first, then help your neighbors put on their masks. The reasoning is simple: if you don’t put on your oxygen mask first, you suffer a greater likelihood of dying; and you can’t help anyone once you’re dead.

In the same way, you can’t make someone happy if you’re depressed. You have to take care of yourself first before taking care of others. Anything else is a recipe for disaster for the both of you. Some may even try to do charitable things with the expectation that it will automatically make them and the other person happy. But, while doing good things for people can increase your own well-being, if you don’t do it from the right place – with the right intentions – then you won’t get the long-term gratification. Especially if you are helping someone just for your own sake (because you expect it will make you happy), then the warmness of the act is lost, and your pleasure from doing the act will be minimal at best. Helping others feels best when you genuinely want to help others. http://www.theemotionmachine.com/you...one-else-happy

The premise makes some sense to me, yet I view happiness as a slippery topic. Achieving a meaningful life often is a very long term project. Are we not to try to help others during the process? I suppose a key is understanding our limitations.

I like the oxygen mask comparison.

There was a time when I was genuinly happy, I had a lot of friends, work was going well, I was in love. I've been there you would think I'd know how to get back there.

I love my husband very much but the more depressed I get the more he distances himself from me.

It is well known I hate the word "happy". Because often happy is presented as prancing around with wide smile on face. Unrealistic.

And I believe often depression comes from lack of fulfillment. Not saying you should go off to save Afwica when you are in severe depression, but if you sit around taking care of yourself to selfish level... you may never be happy enough to get out and help others.

Pursuing being a saviour for others to get away from your misery is not the best idea (and I admit right here right now I tend to do that at times), but sometimes we need to get out there. Many of the volunteers I met were people with some personal issues. Yet, I think despite their depressions, anxieties, relationship problems and so on, they managed to help others... getting some sense of purpose in return.

It is about balance. I think one needs to give to recieve. It is a circle... there is no right moment to start putting yourself out there.

(and... if Mother Theresa waited till she was happy... if other do-gooders and good souls did... the world would be much worse off. And even more selfish place than it is now).

Happiness is a fleeting thing, at best, not to be sought for its own sake, but understood in context. some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. equinimity is the quality that allows one to have happiness and let it go; to have misery and let it go; to have something and let it go; to have nothing, and let it go. all things that arise, pass away, and not clinging to them is freedom. best wishes,, Gus

I may be depressed and still want to genuinely help others. Just because I am depressed doesn't mean that I don't care.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes I feel the "taking care of yourself" is a stretch. One does not live in bubble and by withdrawing... you are not gonna help yourself.

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way"
by an "unknown sage"
BB

Happiness is subjective, and usually relative to other things, people and times of our life. Subjective thought is always open to unstability in our life, but we are 'emotional', as well as 'spiritual' beings.

I agree that it can be hard to cheer up someone else if you're depressed, but happy people often can't / won't cheer up other people either, so..

I guess it is not all about "cheering" someone up. Sometimes you can chill with them and just mutually be there. Better than both of you being withdrawn and isolated....

and I met few people, who are the funniest in their lowest. Sorta self-defense, I suppose, but maybe in the end they are happier for it.

helping others in emotional need even if i am depressed takes me out of self and focuses on their situation. if i can help or be there for them it lifts my own unhappiness. so by helping others be happier gives me the greater reward in the long run tho that's not why i do it. it's just an added bonus. yes, it makes me happy.

By 'cheering up' I meant help make someone happier than they were before, sorry for the confusion. so if someone takes the time to just sit and be with me, I'd feel better. but in my experience most happy ppl don't really wanna take that time, they wanna be with other happy people doing their happy fun things. or maybe im just being bitter b/c no one tries to cheer me up, haha

I am not sure if I should say it here... but eh...

Happy is overrated. And those giggly, laughing, rainbow spewing people may not even be "happy". Or satisfied. Happy fun things? Maybe it is because I am depressed and cynical today, but it sounds nauseating. I have been to few parties and events that could be considered "happy fun things"... I say mindless hedonism. Let them seek their cheap thrills... the seekers of elusive happiness cannot bring you peace and serenity... which is more important than happy. Happy is temporary. You can be at peace even when world falls appart.

Maybe you need to get out there and look out for other troubled souls. The world is full of them.

I define happy as a feeling of content (which includes peace), you seem to define it as pleasure rainbow and parties.

I guess I just misunderstood what you said, so my apologies.

You just seemed tad bitter about "happy" people not making you "happy". As much as I am do-gooder, I don't believe you can make people "happy". You can sow a seed, give lost ones a map, show them the light... whatever. It is rewarding still.

as much as it helps to chill with somebody, I don't delude myself into thinking "now I am gonna make the person happy now". Of course, i wish I could... but too well I know that it is not possible at times. I can be there, and that is a lot though.

I, personally, have always only found my happiness by knowing the one I care about and exist for is happy.
This complicates matters, I think.

that makes life hard. But i know what you mean. I sometimes cling too hard to the thought of my friends being fine... and it hurts when one cannot do a thing.