A letter I just sent to the medical offices where I receive care:

Dear Ms. (nurse practitioner),

I had an appointment for a cardiac stress test on 12/1. After thinking it over, I feel I must bring to your attention how offensively certain remarks that were made by (assistant/technician) came across.

If insisting upon how "very young" I am was meant to be a compliment, it didn't come off that way. In fact, it left me thinking, exactly how old do I have to be before people give me credit for some life experience, respect my age, and quit talking down to me as if I am a child? Even after I responded that I doubt my *grandchildren* see me as all that "young," she continued with it. "Oh, no-no, you're very young."

I would appreciate it if you could inform your staff that it is rude under any circumstances to remark on people's age. We don't all like to be told how "young" we are. To some of us, age means competence, wisdom, maturity, and worthiness of respect. I did not enjoy the insinuation that I lack those things.

Thank you,
(me)

Do you agree or disagree?

It's sort of too late now, I already sent it, but should I have just let it go as her trying to give me a compliment? Or is it better to educate her, that some people would rather not have their ages pointed out as either "young" or "old"? I do admit to having some emotional baggage here. For example, if it were my mother telling me how "young" I am, she would mean EXACTLY that I am immature, inexperienced, and incompetent to manage my own life, and that I should still be relying on her to tell me what to do. That's why I've had to stop having contact with her. However, even without that emotional baggage, I believe etiquette does make age a taboo subject, and it is rude to argue with someone about whether or not they are "young." What do you think?

[Flooded]

Good for you! Far too many rude people around these days!

Thanks for that.

Maybe I *am* one of the few left who values age and wisdom rather than youth and vigor. On another site where I started this, the only thing I seem to be getting back is, "But you ARE young," which they don't seem to be understanding that I don't take as a compliment. "You're young," means to me, "You are not yet deserving of respect, because you don't have wisdom, maturity, life experience, or anything good that comes with age."

BTW, I think that to tell a person "You're just a baby," even when it only means, "You're young," is an insult. Babies are incompetent and can't take care of themselves. I just don't get how that's a compliment.

[Resident Bipolar]

Oh God...I know exactly where you are coming from! sorta.

I remember talking to one of the school learning support staff once (back when I was in Secondary School, about 2 years ago). I don't remember the entire conversation, but I do remember her saying: "OH you're only 15...what do you have to be depressed about?!".

In fact, I quit my job for a very similar reason. I was having a cigarette out round back in the staff smoking area...and one of them remarked: "Oh you're young you can give up no problem". Along with a lot of bipolar jokes. Such as the classic: "Haven't you tried cocaine? How about some rum? That'll sort out your bipolar! *wink,wink*". -.-

Oop. I'm raging now haha.
But I do get where you're coming from. I actually like being told people think I'm about 23, even though I'm 17. Must be the blazer and beard, eh?

Hahaha.
RB ♥

I don't mind being told I *look* young. That is a compliment, and I'll take it as one.

But "you *look* young" is quite different from "you *are* young."

[Tosspot]

Good for you to send it. I work in health care and most of us could use a reminder to watch what and how we say things. Especially if there was no harm intended, then we really need to think about how we say it.

[krisakira]

I get remarks about being "still just a baby" from doctors or other people who need to know my age... I don't really like it either. I am 23 but it doesn't mean I don't know anything. I've been through a lot.

[splitimage]

I agree with you - that comment was out of line. Nobody should be commenting on your age, good for you for complaining.

Of course I think I'd rather be told I'm young than be told "It's all downhill from here" in reference to my vision which is what my optometrist told me once I turned 40.

splitimage

[Travelinglady]

I think I'd hear "You are young" as rather an insult, too! Good for you for expressing your feelings. She might have meant well, however....

At least doctors and their staff are not also now assuming it's appropriate to call all people by their first names. To me that can be an insult, too.

[Okami]

Personally, I would take it as a compliment. And quite frankly... I never turn down a compliment....
I mean... I really don't think she was being malicious... She could be like.. "Well, dont worry!!! You are REALLY old.. I mean.. -insert medical jargon here-"... Which would have been a whole level higher on the offensive scale and there would have been no respect. Which... Would have been worse...

I don't necessarily think people acknowledging age means they're acknowledging that you deserve respect.... I think she was just trying to be nice... Which. You know.. Is more respectful than the alternatives.

I don't know. I could be wrong. Its just... It obviously wasn't an insult... I wouldn't complain... But.. I guess if it made me feel THAT bad to be referred to as something positive over negative, I would have just lightly told her not to do it again...... D:

... imho.

[Vibe]

Perhaps she meant in context of the clients she tends to see that you are relatively young? I'd need to know more about the scenario and lead-up to tell whether it's offensive or not. I agree with Okami that it doesn't sound like she was trying to be malicious, and I'm not sure how she would have known about your past issues with your mother (unless you told her). I'd have probably let it go or nicely told her you're proud of your age and think it's given you a lot of experience. She'd have probably followed your lead in that instance.

[roads]

I agree, LovebirdsFlying. When these people call me "young woman" (I'm 65), I guess they figure I can't take the shock of the fact that I'm really old!

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

I agree, LovebirdsFlying. When these people call me "young woman" (I'm 65), I guess they figure I can't take the shock of the fact that I'm really old!

I've also never understood saying something like, "Today's my birthday, and I'm 80 years young." As if "old" is a dirty word. There is nothing wrong with being old, nothing shameful about whatever age one is.

Which is why I don't take it as "something positive over something negative." Because I don't see "old" as negative.

Aah. I just figured it out. I placed my finger on what bothered me about the exchange, and the "very young" comment.

The word is, "patronizing."

[Daughteroftheking77]

I agree with Okami. I think it was meant to be a compliment. They were probably saying that you'd do fine with the test because of your age Being young doesn't mean you are immature, inexperienced, and incompetent. Just look at the Bible. God called David as like a 13 or 14 year old to slay Golliath, Jeremiah was young when he was called to be a prophet, and one of Job's biggest supporters was a young person, I could probably come up with more if it wasn't so late but you get the idea. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't have written the letter, just trying to make you feel better that the technician wasn't trying to insult you and that despite what your mom told you being young isn't always a bad thing.

[krisakira]

I hate when people say things like that, while not having the intention of hurting the other person, but obviously not caring enough to take into consideration the possibility of hurting them.

[turquoisesea]

I would take it as a compliment, although I think it's better they just don't make that part of it. I have trouble going into liquor stores because people think I'm 18. I'm 23, almost 24 and actually I get really sad remembering that. I don't WANT to have used up the past years of my life.


for another perspective, I don't like thinking of being old, because right now I don't think I've used up my life in a positive way. I had so much run-in with mental illness and such that I am ashamed, in some ways, of being my age and only being at this stage.

I actually bow to wisdom and life experience but I don't think there is a direct relation to age. I think mostly, people who are older than me are probably wiser, there are exception though. I value my mother's wisdom, I value my teacher's wisdom (in the 70s for age - very wise), I can go down lists here.

but I'm just rambling to try and give you a sense why the nurse might have really been giving you a compliment. If you see age as only relating to the physical aspect of you, it generally is positive to be younger. I'm still glad you sent that though, I would hate to be treated like that even if the person meant well.

[lizardlady]

Lovebirdsflying, in my opinion it doesn't matter whether the tech was trying to give you a compliment or an insult. You took offense at the comment and stood up for yourself. Good for you!

[ECHOES]

I think the intention was friendly and complimentary and I feel bad for the person who is now the target of your reacting. We do not control others or make demands that they be a certain way. Our reactions are about us.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

A letter I just sent to the medical offices where I receive care:


Do you agree or disagree?

It's sort of too late now, I already sent it, but should I have just let it go as her trying to give me a compliment? Or is it better to educate her, that some people would rather not have their ages pointed out as either "young" or "old"? I do admit to having some emotional baggage here. For example, if it were my mother telling me how "young" I am, she would mean EXACTLY that I am immature, inexperienced, and incompetent to manage my own life, and that I should still be relying on her to tell me what to do. That's why I've had to stop having contact with her. However, even without that emotional baggage, I believe etiquette does make age a taboo subject, and it is rude to argue with someone about whether or not they are "young." What do you think?

i think she had no idea she was offending you, in fact i think that she probably thought she was defending you.

i mean, i'm 50 and i know i still have a lot to learn, and i'm not totally competent in every area (or even many!) and i'm perfectly fine with that. i actually think that attitude came with age, and having some younger friends that are much smarter and wiser than i am

either way, op, your message is a reminder to be sensitive to peoples feelings when it comes to age whether older or young

[Gus1234U]

the number of years one has remained alive says absolutely nothing about them. some learn fast, some never; some have good health for 100 yrs, some, never; some are wise at an early age, some, never; what can be attributed to age? nothing.

If what Gus says is true, that's rather depressing for me. It means I was born in the wrong decade and should have lived in my parents' or grandparents' generation instead. I was raised on "respect your elders." I grew up calling adults Mr. and Mrs., and saying "yes ma'am" and "no sir." Adults were owed respect, just for being adults, while children "were made to be seen and not heard." Now that I'm getting older myself, I'm told that age does not bring respect. Sigh. At what point will I be respected? Is it ever going to be my turn?

For those concerned about the fact that the technician did not mean to be insulting, granted, but just about any etiquette expert will agree that age is not open for discussion. For medical reasons, my age is relevant and should be noted, but not remarked upon and evaluated as "old" or "young."

So Echoes feels bad for the person who is now my "target." That person doesn't post here, as far as I know. I do. I'm the one who needs the validation.

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

If what Gus says is true, that's rather depressing for me. It means I was born in the wrong decade and should have lived in my parents' or grandparents' generation instead. I was raised on "respect your elders." I grew up calling adults Mr. and Mrs., and saying "yes ma'am" and "no sir." Adults were owed respect, just for being adults, while children "were made to be seen and not heard." Now that I'm getting older myself, I'm told that age does not bring respect. Sigh. At what point will I be respected? Is it ever going to be my turn?

For those concerned about the fact that the technician did not mean to be insulting, granted, but just about any etiquette expert will agree that age is not open for discussion. For medical reasons, my age is relevant and should be noted, but not remarked upon and evaluated as "old" or "young."

So Echoes feels bad for the person who is now my "target." That person doesn't post here, as far as I know. I do. I'm the one who needs the validation.

I believe you have every right to be upset about the comment made to you. Some people wouldn't mind it. But you have a history of being patronized by being called "young", so it makes total sense that you are still off-put by the word. I don't believe the technician said it as an insult, but I think it is right that that was not professional, and like I said before, they didn't think about if what they said would be insulting.

I personally think it's great that you are standing up for yourself, by sending that letter. Even being a minor issue, you are still practicing self respect by reassuring yourself you deserve to be treated well, and not be patronized. I think it is a good step for you to have sent that letter. Perhaps later on, a next step would be to confront the person right after a comment you didn't like.

People will have different opinions about this situation, because to some it doesn't bother them, and others it does. But all you need to focus on is how you feel about it, and that you are standing up for yourself.

Take care,
Kris

Thank you very much for that support and validation. Mods will no doubt agree that this is first and foremost a support site, so anyone who wants to criticize me instead, I'd rather not hear from, if it's all the same to them.

This is not the first time it's been hinted that I am being "controlling" simply because I dared to assert myself. I will no longer accept that. Assertiveness is part of mental health, and standing up for myself when I've been offended is part of assertiveness. If being assertive makes me a "control freak" (it's been said elsewhere, not here) then everyone who is assertive would have to carry that label. Not just me. Furthermore, if it's true that "we teach others how to treat us," how is that accomplished by just shutting up when we find something offensive, because we don't want to be seen as "controlling"?

Thanks again, Krisakira and others, for backing me up.

[roads]

Even if all the intentions are "complimenting," I still find it offensive for this reason:

To compliment an older person for not seeming as old as they are, or to feel complimented for being taken as younger than you are, both imply that younger is to be preferred to older.

Roadrunner