[beauflow]

I am not sure if this has been asked before, or a thread started but I see no recent ones (I suppose you could say this could be a regret thing but I don't see it that way due to I go further than that of myself when thinking of this).

But if you could back in time what would you do?


The other night my boyfriend put one of my pictures of up when I was either 3 or so, it was when we went to the dinosaur place and I was handing who ever was taking the picture a dinosaur toy with my pacifier that I notorious always had-- And my Boyfriend said- If I could back in time, I would go and rescue that little girl.

I did tell him that why would he do that-- all of my things that have happened to me, even the bad have made me on who I am today-- He just said I would be happier and not have to experience the things that I did as a child and teenager, I agreed.

I told him, If I could go back in the past, I would first rescue him from his childhood bad experiences- and I would inform others of what was going on due to i have to wonder who else was hurt as well. And then I would go back further in time and rescue my father-- and go to my mother and talk to her--

Now granted, If I did either 3 I would not know my boyfriend most likely which is ok- and if I rescued my father and talked to my mother- I would not be here today- BUT so many lives would be so much better by these little events; even if just one event.

I just have to wonder-- what would you PC friends do?

Granted almost everyone would want to save the world from Hitler, and such- that is a given; but is there something more personal to you on what you would do? Or anything to that note-

[Mylifeisdepressing]

Funny, so many times I have thought, "I wish I could go back in time and change it..." but now I'm blanking out on the things I wished to change.... Ok, Let's see... First, I would try to have a better relationship with my mom. She's never been the kind of person I could really talk to about things, but maybe if I have tried harder and known what would happen in the future, it could have been different. What else? I'm thinking... I would have been a less bratty little kid. From about 1st grade to 4th grade, lots of people bullied me and didn't like me, that was partly because I went to a school with a lot of cliquey, self-infatuated, spoiled brats but I think it was also because I was kind of a nerdy, bratty little flirt. I dis have friends, but a lot of kids didn't like me, although I was never as mean to them as they were to me, and if I could be bratty or annoying at times, that was not the reason that some of the girls initially started bullying me. They didn't think I was "cool". But I think I could have been a better person, and maybe things would have been a little different, like my self esteem wouldn't have been so damaged by the kids who taunted and insulted me for years. I think they are a large part of the reason I am so depressed now and often hate myself. But sometimes I look back and roll my eyes at my elementary school self, and wish I had acted differently.
And another thing, there are people I wished I had been nicer to. People who I didn't really know at the time, like a guy I knew last year, he annoyed me and I was sometimes mean to him. Turns out he's dyslexic and he really struggles with most of the things about him that annoyed me, and he really tries. And he is now my best friends boyfriend, and he moved to Louisiana this past Summer. Now I feel bad....
And there are always the people who no one really spoke to that I should have befriended, the kid being bullied who I didn't stand up for, the guy on the side of the road I didn't take the time to stop and help. All of these things we will always regret.
Things I said that I'd give the world to take back, we all have those. Words that hurt people unnecessarily, fights we started...
I could go on forever, but what I'm saying is that we all have those things we might have said, could have done, should have apologized for, lives we could have changed or even saved but didn't. And there is nothing we can do about it, whether we accept them or regret them or let them go, they will always be there in the past to remind us of the way things could have been. But I don't think we should dwell on it, I think we should move on and accept that things are the way they are and there is nothing we can do now, but take them and let them be a reminder for the future.

Holy crap, I got carried away there. Sorry for the essay. Very interesting thread, though, I think it's a great idea.

[di meliora]

First thought, Groundhog Day.

[madisgram]

i thought of my age of innocence as a child. it was sorta norman rockwell.

[venusss]

I'd probably do it all over again............. but would take things less seriously this time around.

[CgRgSm]

I am 22 years old and if I could go back in time I would...I don't know. I haven't had any major events in my life...I do hate the way everything is but the problem for me is I cannot see a way to change it. The most I would do would be try to make more out of my high school teen years. I really let those pass by too quickly. God I hate my life.

Off the top of my head- I would have went to college, not ignored my mental health issues, never smoked cigarettes, never married my x husband and spent more time with my relatives that have passed on,especially my dad.

[Perna]

I'd go back to my junior year of high school and work to get out of my head and interact with others more socially.

[cin1]

i would have found help instead of having to spend five years in a private hospital. just when i think the past is past , i begin to do some of the detrimental actions all over again. did i think staying in bed basically for two days had any impact on my h? no, he couldn't care less. so i only hurt myself. one depressing action leads to another, and then i am in a hole so deep i can not climb out.

[trooper 59]

Wow! going back in time, it's always been an interesting idea; but "hindsight is 20/20
vision". I agree that I went through all of this to get to where I'm at today, and if I could do something different, how would that change me? I fought against my having BPD and after finally coming to grips with it I can accept the ME that I am today. This is my life, warts and all so I'm living in the moment and not taking anything for granted.
trooper59

i would have actually studied in college...i did well without but maybe studying & actually having a game plan about what to be when i grew up would have been nice...

i am pleased with how my life has turned out so far but i left it to chance (& a push from the big guy up above)...had i a plan i would have loved to go into biomechanics & american history...and philoshpy...

ok & maybe i would have actually trained a little harder before each season of varsity sports instead of putting it off to the last moment...

[solly2]

Aks my cousin dat

There are tons of things I wish I could change but I'll just mention 2 of those things I would do different if I could go back in time.

1. I would have sought help (therapist) when I was in my early teens. Everyone knew I was different but few actually suspected mental illness. A mental health professional could have helped me a great deal.

2. I would not have gone through with my first suicide attempt. That ended up being the turning point in my life. Before then I was obviously screwed up but I had potential to have success. After that things changed and the potential has vanished.

[horizonparadox]

like it has already been said, i would'nt want to go back and change any thing, because i wounld'nt want to change the person i am. but i'd like to go back in time, 2 years, to before my girlfriend got her symtoms and cancer diagnosis, and for ever live that year. to be trapped in that time to when i was still able to love and accept love...
i fear the meloncoly mood has taken a turn for the worst.
maybe even go back in time to when i was able to play with a bouncy ball for hours, and just enjoy.

Dox

[mrzippy]

****!!! Well this is my first ever posting to this forum, but this is a hummer off a subject!!! I am 38, so exactly 20 years out of high school, and that has really gotten my mind into a spin. I was diagnosed BP type 1 back in 1998, but it has been something of a whirlwind. I am sure you guys can relate to that horrible feeling of where has that time gone, and the inevitable, "they did this, and have that, why not me?". It is all the harder for me, as I was a talented, if not precocious kid, top stream at school. Hit 14, discovered cannabis (I am not blaming my drug taking, it was more indicative of what was actually happening), developed an enourmous chip on my shoulder, and the marks started dropping, fast. Attended University, managed to make a hash of it, somehow pushed my confused brain into IT, but discovered that I cannot concentrate. Fluked a few certifications (anyone in IT will tell you they are ********, but employers love them), got work for a few years. Discovered to my horror though that there are only a few types of work environments I can work in, and I am not that good at working with others. Somewhere in this mix, several of my friends comlete their PhD's (which was a kick in the guts, as I always aspired as a child to be a research scientist). and I am falling off a cliff instead. Hard, very hard. Discovered that I had a knack for playing the stock market, made quite a bit of money, then went totally out of contol with a margin account. Bankrupt. So in the last 3 years I have been put on Seraquel, which was a god send, at least until I managed to run out, and just didn't bother getting another scrip. Just pushed the lithium up. Hmmm, appears I am not that responsive to lithium. So I get Seraquel again, and just the other day have the beginnings of a psychotic break. ****. Not looking forward to telling the psych that. And I have an appointment with her this morning. I really need to get it sorted, as I, and I do not know how, managed to score a $3000 scholarship to a private institute, to retrain as a Java coder. I suspect that will be my calling. I picked up a very heavy book on learning C for starters. Anyway, I need it sorted, and I better not get hospitalised in the process!!!

Enough rambling, I think you get the point. What would I change? No cannbis for one. Some people (most in fact) can smoke it, with no problems. I cannot. Paranoia is just too much. Way too much. Actually, I might go a little further, and say no unprescribed drugs. Bummer, but I guess that is just one of those things being BP, you just want to experiment. I might take Salvia out of the list though, that is just way to much fun!!! Beautiful in fact. You know that it is the most powerful naturally occuring (psychoactive) drug known? Okay, I digress. Early intervention. This is pretty contraversial I know, but I was already showing symptoms pretty early on. While I am aware that drugs like seraquel were not available back in 1988, lithium and Epilim were. It is a start. I might also add Ritalin to the mix. I see that in the States it is common to add it to help focus. Unfortunately in this country it is not, and that is the "discussion" I will be having this morning (I am cursed with getting a new psyc every 6 months. F**king public health system). Should be interesting as I don't particularly like her. Respect, but not like. Avoid hanging out with arseholes. Like I said, was in the top class, but found it hard to talk to anyone there. Weird social dynamics. More comfortable mixing with "bogan" scum (I come from a family at the bottom end of the social spectrum), which meant motorcycles, drugs, girls. Fun for a while, but I was fooling myself. I was way above these people (IQ wise absolutely, but it is a curious thing to get cleveer enough to "blend in"), and way above that behaviour (apart from the motorcycles. There is something liberating about bikes ... ). Knuckle down, study, aim high, hang with the right people. It was offered to my class to sit the Cambridge entrance exams. I wish I had. Done the university thing, finally slave my way to the PhD level, and then leave town, or the country. And land a job at somewhere like ESA. Oh, as for the girl thing, limiting it to one, not, well, you can probably guess lots, BP is known for it. It is ironic, my father is jealous of my "conquests", but I would take them back at the drop of the hat. None of it meant anything, other than physical satisfaction. I may as well rent a porn and jack off. There was one, and I goosed it, and BP played a big part. I was hell to be with, period. I don't blame her leaving. I have an interesting pattern of ex partners leaving, and marrying the next guy they meet, then get knocked up.

I think that sums it up, in something of a rant. Simply put, BP has rendered my life irrelivant and meaningless. Depressing, but real, I cannot fight that. Meaning is in the way you interpret experience, but I have been robbed of that experience, real experience. BP for me is like watching a badly tuned TV with static. It sucks.

[sandworm]

Originally Posted by beauflow

But if you could back in time what would you do?

The other night my boyfriend put one of my pictures of up when I was either 3 or so, it was when we went to the dinosaur place and I was handing who ever was taking the picture a dinosaur toy with my pacifier that I notorious always had-- And my Boyfriend said- If I could back in time, I would go and rescue that little girl. -

Hi Beauflow, I really enjoy your great posts.
I remember that movie "The Butterfly Effect" and I
believe it is true. changing one bad event, make other events
impossible. Who knows what good and bad will happen. I believe
good and bad (as concerns humans) is weaved into life.

So, I probably would change a lot of things, then in retrospect
reguess it, just before I make my final commitment.
The only thing I would change, is I would speak to my younger self
and tell him/me not to believe what I might hear... to hold my
own, my center, to realize that I am too young now to test all things
I hear, but to not accept anything on the credence of
their 'word is their bond", or that claim that" they have my welfare
in mind".
As Timothy Leary put it "Question all things, reject authority",
then he jokingly added "'Says who?".

***
i'd say.
"Question authority???" why, it doesn't know either. :0)

[di meliora]

My definition of hell is living my life over without the ability to change anything.

That really would be hell Elan Vital.

[jellbell]

If I could go back in time, I would go back to when I was in 5th or 6th grade on Take Your Daughter to Work Day. At the last minute I asked my dad if I could go with my friend to her mother's work instead of with him. I've always regretted that. I told him so a few years ago and he just smiled and said it was okay... but still, that one decision still bothers me.

My first thought was...go back to the 40's and fly planes in the auxillery service haha aren't i just super cool? lol Now that ive probably thought about it though, i would go back in time and be more pushy about getting the right diagnosis and treatment.

I would have not lied about my homework to my grade ten math teacher. I would speak out against those who bullied me, and I would not have turned down a management position I was offered once, nor would I have turned down an opportunity to volunteer on a forensic psyche ward. I would also have paid for French lessons the moment I had moved to Ottawa. lol C'est la vie!!

Originally Posted by CgRgSm

I am 22 years old and if I could go back in time I would...I don't know. I haven't had any major events in my life...I do hate the way everything is but the problem for me is I cannot see a way to change it. The most I would do would be try to make more out of my high school teen years. I really let those pass by too quickly. God I hate my life.

Same here.

[LibertyBelle]

I'd go to the future since time is more of a wibbly bubble then a straight line.

Or import toys and comic books from the 80s and 60s.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I'd go back to my senior year of high school and make plans to follow my own dreams rather than those of family and friends. I'd major in what I wanted to in college, and pursue a career I actually enjoy. I'd get the help I know I needed when I was in college the first time around.

Of course, I'd also have to try and be in the right place and time to re-live some of the good things in my life...

[gma45]

Gone back to school, and not wanted to grow up so fast!