[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Couldn't find nor be bothered to look for the other since long-lost joke threads.

"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."
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"Age is an issue of mind over matter - if you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
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"A day without sunshine is like, ... night."
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"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."
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"He who laughs last, thinks the slowest."
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"I intend to live forever - so far so good."
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"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
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"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
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"For every action, there is an equal and opposite, ... criticism."
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"Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."
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"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand."
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"Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts"
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"Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink."
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"Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot."
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"Confucious he say: war not determine who right. War determine who left."
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"What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her some flowers."
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"When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."
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"What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up."
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"I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me."
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"Why don't blind men skydive? Because it scares the crap out of the dog."
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"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle."
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"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
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"Viagra eye drops. 
They make you look hard."
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"Dead budgie for sale. Not going cheap."
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"Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor."
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"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
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"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."