Deadbeat dad/bad father vs. no father?

So, this is a question I pose;
Which do you think is worse: Having a neglectful/emotionally or physically abusive father (or parent in general I guess) or a deadbeat/no father at all?

I'll start off with my opinion. I guess I could sorta say having an abusive father, because at least you can choose to walk away- instead of being walked away from.
Like me, when I found out my father was my step dad , and my biological father divorced my mom and just effing went MIA for 9 years and still didn't
choose to have a relationship with my siblings and I, let alone contact us, I was often torn with thoughts of what I would do if he just showed up on our doorstep. I often felt torn between thinking I'd want to punch him and wanting to hug him. I mean, I also had a crazy step dad who was emotionally abusive(After a meltdown on Christmas eve when I was barely a teen, he and my mom divorced within the year), so I guess there was the fantasy of this potentially loving father that I never knew of that would come and make everything better. My brothers, on the other hand hate him and refer to him by his given name, I call him my father.

My father left when I was 2 months old therefore I don't have a clue what it's like to have a dad. I would say having a neglectful/abusive parent is worse. That would put you through a lot of emotional hell that I can't imagine. My life was rough without a father, we were homeless on and off a few years; however we made it thanks to my mother who is strong and an amazing parent.

My real father died when I was young (around a year or so). The way he died has always left me confused. I feel like he just walked out on us. My step father - whom my mother married a few years after his death - turned out to be a deadbeat. He left eventually.

I remember growing up.. I always knew my real father was dead. Even as a kid, I was smart enough to know that meant he was gone. But I kind of had these fantasies... that I wanted so badly to believe were true... that he was alive and that he'd come back. That he was just on some kind of mission. I hear a lot of kids without fathers (or mothers) do those things. It's hard. Growing up not knowing your father.

However, my mom eventually had a domestic partner. He lived with us for about eight or so years. He was emotionally abusive to us kids, physically abusive to my older sister and younger brother, and physically abusive to my mom. This was, equally, as hard. I think each situation left its scars on me. There is so much anger toward this man, so much anger directed at my father, and so much directed at my step father. I know, logically, I should let go of this anger. But it's hard to do so.

For me, personally, neither is worse. They're both equally hard.

Interesting question, though. I'm sure we'll see various answers here.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

Tough question. I think I'd choose no father. At least you can use your imagination that way, which seem preferable to the harsh realities.
In a way you could still do that. There is the possibility that for whatever reasons, your biological father felt that his absence would be better for you and your brothers than his presence. My father was usually either cold/aloof or overbearing and almost abusive. I think I could have done better using my imagination.

I would rather have no father at all. because then i could still dream on what a good dad he could be. and if he said he didn't want me, it would cause problems, but i have found out in my experience that i would rather a parent tell me straight from the start, and have nothing to do with me, than for a parent to lead me on my whole life, acting like they badly want me, and blaming everyone else for why they cant have me, and i believe them.. and find out when i can live with them after becoming 18yr, they smack me up side the face with the cold hard truth that they never really meant all they said my whole life, and never really wanted me. they never really loved me unconditionally.. other than animals, i haven't found one person yet that is unconditional (And i dont test them, because i want to believe that they are there unconditionally, but some how something comes a long, and they are out of there ). and people still wonder why i have such a hard time fully trusting someone...

.........

My father was an abusive alcoholic. I used to have fantasies what it would be like if he was not around. I suspect we humans wonder about different circumstances when we are in a rotten situation. From personal experience and observation, I believe asking which is worse is like asking which is worse, a punch in the left eye or a punch in the right eye. Each has it's bad points and each leads to speculation about what life would be like with/without the person.

my father was also an abusive alcoholic. I was the oldest and he took everything out on me. I have large periods of my childhood that I can't even remember and what I do remember was really bad. in my case it would definitely have been better for him to be completely absent. he was a deadbeat too, but that paled in comparison to the abuse. the funny thing is that when he was older and became sick he wrote me a letter that said he wanted to get to know his family again. not a word about how he treated me or that he was sorry. it absolutely blew my mind. I never responded because it made me sick to read it and my kids were young at the time and it just triggered everything all over again. I couldn't have anything to do with him.

Better to have no father.

Better to mourn what you didn't have than to mourn what you didn't have AND deal with a whole load of other awful stuff.

I'm from the deadbeat/no father camp.
I agree with lizardlady - it's hard to say which is worse - they're both crappy... a dozen of one, or twelve of another

I can't speak for fathers, because I have mine. He was not around (military) but he was still a phone call away.

But I didn't have my mother. And two of my brothers did. From their experiences, I suppose its better to not have the parent at all than living with an abusive parent. Except, instead of dealing with physical problems, you end up with major abandonment issues, unwilling to trust people, missing out on "normal" life experiences that a person is supposed to experience with that parent (shopping for first bra, baking, yelling, buying prom dress, etc.). As a female, I was forced to miss out on motherly and grandmotherly experiences because my grandmother tried to be all three (mother, father and grandmother).

I still think it'd be a tad worse to have had to physically experience their neglect.

In either case, I think the "crazy you know is more comfortable than the crazy you don't know."

You still have the abandonment issues if the person sticks around and treats you like crud, is the thing...

But it's harder to accept that someone lived with you or was in your life, and thought it was okay to treat you badly, than to have them not even know you. If they don't know you, you don't end up asking yourself what was wrong with you, why you weren't looking after, how they could live with you and treat you like that.

I say both are equally bad. It's just all a matter of perspective.

My daughter had a dead-beat dad. I can't say it would have been better if he had been around, but I know her whole life was spent wondering about him. A bit of a "grass is greener on the other side" type of thing.

But I guess if you grow up around a neglectful/abusive environment, that's what you get to know and be comfortable with. We model our behaviors after our parents and the gap of that behavior may cause some yearning for it maybe? Like a Stockholm Syndrome type of thing.

I ask that to this day about my birth father. Then again, I suppose the way he passed away could have played a large role in that.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

I think having an abussive parent is worse. Most people who grow up in abusive homes end up having serious issues caused by the abuse.
And you have years wondering what you did to deserve to be treated that way.

At least without that parent there you have the chance of having a good parent that and a chance of a happy childhood even if you wonder what it would be like to have th other parent there.

This question reminded me, that there are those, who are adopted in this world. Yes, there's that yearning there, the wondering, the what ifs. I am reminded of this, seeing my long lost cousin, over the weekend. She had a wonderful adoptive family, that cared for her, gave her wonderful opportunities in life. In reconnecting with all of us, her mom passed away, years before she found us, she does maintain that ability to see, what her extended family is like, and to just get glimpses through my grandmother and great-aunt, what her mother was like, as well....(her mother is my grandmothers younger sister).

On a flip angle, who is to say, what her life would have been like, had she not been given up for adoption. My grandmother's sister, was an alcoholic and died from complications from that.

I still ask all those questions except the last. But I do wonder what I did as such a small child to make her not want me. What is so wrong with me that she didn't find me worth fighting for or coming back to get? Why didn't I mean enough for her to call or write or visit? Was I really just worth absolutely nothing to her? Did she even care that I existed? Why did she birth me instead of just aborting me? How can she live day to day knowing she has a child she can contact, but still not?

I'd definitely choose no father.

The best situation is to have a father, but if he's emotionally and verbally and physically abusive, then he's not being a father is he?

Yeah, I wish I had a better father in my life growing up and or period. I to this day hate fathers day and while I work the weekends and my ****** job I have started taking Fathers day off in recent years. I used to skip it when I was in school (a few times it fell on a Monday when I was in high school). I am getting better at not getting upset/jealous at the nice relationships other people my age have with their dads.

My father was bad. He never had time for his children. His wives. He was awful really.
Some of the things I remember vividly was him beating my mother, beating us kids, shooting pet cats in our street, trying to drown our dog. The list goes on...
For some strange reason, my mother stayed with him through the affairs and violence. I guess she knew no better or it was an esteem issue she had. Perhaps he had so much control over her she lost herself...
My dad used to treat us so badly but all the while, unbeknown to us, he had another partner, another family, another house, another life. Why didnt he just leave us? Why did he keep coming back to make us anxious and hurt us? Who knows...
Eventually we found out about his other life and my mother split with him. At this stage he had accumulated so much wealth and real estate with this other woman. He left my mother with all the bills, including his loans, his business loan which she went guarantor for, everything. She took it to a lawyer and ended up having to pay out the loans she went guarantee for as well as pay him half the value of our family home. She will now be working til she is 145 to pay it all off.... The mental state he left us all in was terrible. My mother has major depression but has to work to pay her bills. I fell pregnant amongst the settlement and was very ill during my pregnancy due to stress. Still, there has been no apology from him, no acknowledgement of wrong doing, nothing. He sent me a package when I gave birth and some flowers. It felt awkward even accepting them, knowing he was such a bastard. He rings me from time to time to tell me how well he is going and how he has boats and houses and money and really rub it in my face. Am I supposed to be happy for him? I look after my mother, as well as my own children and partner. He doesn't want to know my kids, never sees them. This hurts me the most.. They are beautiful kids. My brother was sent to jail for domestic violence in his own relationship and even the judge mentioned the violence he had experienced as a child had an effect on him.
There's many other horrendous stories I could share but I guess what I am trying to say is- I have a father. And he haunts me. He has bought no sunshine into my life. Only pain and hurt. If I had a choice, I think I'd rather no father from an early age rather than to live with the after effect off his nastiness and narcissism. Every aspect of my life has been affected by this man in a negative way. I still answer his calls though.... I guess I'm hoping for some miracle!!