[Citrine]

Are a risk to your mental health. Kid you not. I encounter my fair share of these chickens. I cant understand them nor see them coming. Ive have blamed myself of course. Ive pondered. Ive decided Im unapproachable, hard to relate to, difficult unyet then Ive remembered that majority have no trouble being direct with me, nope no ones scared to tell me whats what if they have to. Frequently.

Does anyone else out there find these sidestepping game players exhausting and hurtful? They r pretty dangerous folk. Ive had 2 bosses in the past that use pa behaviour and it was very hard working for them.

Why am i posting well ive had to deal with one a few times this week and quite honestly my head is wrecked by them. theres no end to their childishness and my mind doesnt handle side winding well. Does anyone else feel like this?

P.s apoks for dreadful typing...using mobile...puter is poorly.

[abused-baker]

hi there.
i have been told i have a passive aggressive personality. or that i act like it at times. I must tell you i really dont realize i do it. [maybe this is an aspergers' thing? i have yet to talk to a therapist]
i become P/A when im angry or maybe even frustrated, but i dont really want a confrontation [verbal fight]. in dealing with me, you should actually leave me alone, as i will see interactions as nagging and this makes things worse. in my case, my P/A is indeed directed at those closest to me, but it doesnt mean it is their fault. i have to remind them to leave me alone, that it will pass, and that it has nothing to do with them. unless i consider their conversation with me in those times as nagging. [we all hate nagging, don't we?]

also. i may seem P/A all the time for others, because i feel people are judging me. this is frustrating. i feel like i have to defend/explain myself so they'll get a better impression of me, and leave me alone. maybe those people also feel they are not good enough, and they think everyone agrees.

i hope this helps you better understand the situation you find yourself in. [and i hope i correctly understood what were you actually trying to say, because i have moments when i fail understanding basic, common things]

[Parley]

I'm passive aggressive as well. I do this because I am aggressive and it helps me self regulate. Childish I am not and in general there is no confusion on where I stand. Besides, I don't play well with others. No one would consider me passive so perhaps my passive aggressive is more of an internal thing.

But I have to agree with you on one thing. I am at risk to my mental health. Hopefully you are learning to be a better supervisor than your bosses.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I'm quite curious as to what these passive aggressive folk are like. I'm not too in-the-know about it. Care to shed some light on it, since you seem to have a lot of experience meeting them? xD My guess, is that they're those people who act all nicey-nicey, but are incredibly rude (with a smile on their face) and do things that are quite aggressive (not necessarily physical) but act like they're doing nothing wrong, and all is dandy, with that stupid smile they stick largely on their face! I've definitely met people like that, but I dunno if that's a passive aggressive.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

I'm quite curious as to what these passive aggressive folk are like. I'm not too in-the-know about it. Care to shed some light on it, since you seem to have a lot of experience meeting them? xD My guess, is that they're those people who act all nicey-nicey, but are incredibly rude (with a smile on their face) and do things that are quite aggressive (not necessarily physical) but act like they're doing nothing wrong, and all is dandy, with that stupid smile they stick largely on their face! I've definitely met people like that, but I dunno if that's a passive aggressive.

I researched this last night. Maybe it was more like 3 in the morning. Got scared I was a chicken.

I don't think I fit the description. I'd never fake my pleasantries. I don't have enough to spare but I can tell someone I don't like them while sharing a cup of coffee. It isn't fake but nothing wrong with being respectable to those I don't like.

oh well~ maybe I can attach myself to another label.

[yumi]

I was married to one. It lent a hand into my unraveling more. Not a good mix for someone with an already fragile mind.

There are better ways of dealing with issues in life than resorting to passive-aggressiveness. Communication on an honest level for starters.

[Fuzzybear]

[abused-baker]

I'm quite curious as to what these passive aggressive folk are like. I'm not too in-the-know about it. Care to shed some light on it, since you seem to have a lot of experience meeting them? xD My guess, is that they're those people who act all nicey-nicey, but are incredibly rude (with a smile on their face) and do things that are quite aggressive (not necessarily physical) but act like they're doing nothing wrong, and all is dandy, with that stupid smile they stick largely on their face! I've definitely met people like that, but I dunno if that's a passive aggressive.

that made me smile a little.
no, i don't act all nice but im actually rude. im trying to act nice. but i never use sweet words or baby-voice-talk, not that kind of nice.
i seem calm, but the tone of my voice is aggressive [this is something i noticed after being told on the spot], i sound rude and may even be rude [ie swearing a lot]. i am ready to attack, so to say, as i feel i need to defend myself. i also may seem or act violent [ie slamming the door, or simply being noisy] of course, i notice this bad behavior when im angry too. one of my friends told me i seem passive aggressive all the time [as if im waiting to be chased/attacked, and i cant relax]
well, im not entirely sure this is what other people see in me. i wish i did so i could try and fix it.

well, feel free to ask me more questions if you'd like. but be as specific as you can, or i will fail to deliver a helpful answer u_u

[Citrine]

I didnt intend to make anyone think about themselves. I was venting. Im v low lately. Very. Thanku Yumi for making me feel sane and understood. Best check out youtube..'the passive aggressive boss' and' the passive aggressive boss the worsening' funny and not just applying to bosses.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

I'm quite curious as to what these passive aggressive folk are like. I'm not too in-the-know about it. Care to shed some light on it, since you seem to have a lot of experience meeting them? xD My guess, is that they're those people who act all nicey-nicey, but are incredibly rude (with a smile on their face) and do things that are quite aggressive (not necessarily physical) but act like they're doing nothing wrong, and all is dandy, with that stupid smile they stick largely on their face! I've definitely met people like that, but I dunno if that's a passive aggressive.

I suppose that is one way of being P/A....my ex wasn't really like that so much as a manipulative P/A as he was also NPD. A great example of how things work with them was actually posted in another thread:

The gentleman posting said he felt dismissed and ignored by his S/O...she didn't validate, she wasn't loving...a host of things and actually, after reading several posts on this subject I totally understood what he was saying. However I asked him if he'd ever been passive aggressive toward her because he was also very non-confrontational, but in the position he was in, I couldn't actually see him doing NOTHING to sort of fight back. And then I realized what it was, he did do.

His mother (her MIL) evidently couldn't stand his wife and would say things to him like he should leave her because of xyz. And he TOLD HIS WIFE. That is totally passive aggressive. He couldn't tell her himself, how he felt, but he could say what his mother said, and thusly hurt his wife, without sharing any of the responsibility of the words.

That is a very very tiny slice of a bitter pie called passive aggressive.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by abused-baker

hi there.
i have been told i have a passive aggressive personality. or that i act like it at times. I must tell you i really dont realize i do it. [maybe this is an aspergers' thing? i have yet to talk to a therapist]
i become P/A when im angry or maybe even frustrated, but i dont really want a confrontation [verbal fight]. in dealing with me, you should actually leave me alone, as i will see interactions as nagging and this makes things worse. in my case, my P/A is indeed directed at those closest to me, but it doesnt mean it is their fault. i have to remind them to leave me alone, that it will pass, and that it has nothing to do with them. unless i consider their conversation with me in those times as nagging. [we all hate nagging, don't we?]

also. i may seem P/A all the time for others, because i feel people are judging me. this is frustrating. i feel like i have to defend/explain myself so they'll get a better impression of me, and leave me alone. maybe those people also feel they are not good enough, and they think everyone agrees.

i hope this helps you better understand the situation you find yourself in. [and i hope i correctly understood what were you actually trying to say, because i have moments when i fail understanding basic, common things]

This is very interesting.....because it trying to pin point WHY my marriage failed....I initially blamed it on my H being P/A....only that didn't fit 100%......his ways were abusive.....but he wasn't the typical abusive H......but when I started looking into Aspergers because one of my first T's after I left him commented that he thought my H had aspergers.......it's the only thing that is spot on 100% defining all the problems in the 33 years I have to say I wasted on that marriage.......but I did see all the other things in certain ways going on.....& I think your post here totally explained WHY I felt the P/A was part of his personality....just not enough to make it totally the problem.

Thank you for posting this. I know that the P/A issues that I had to deal with.....I had enough very quickly.

[abused-baker]

@eskielover
i'm happy you found my post helpful. it makes me sad reading you were married with a P/A man, i hope things are better for you now.
I cant imagine how you must have felt during that time.
[not sure what to say anymore, so i'll stop here]

@OP: i thought that hearing from someone who was told countless time they act in a P/A way, would be helpful [as i mentioned before]. i hope you'll feel better soon.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Citrine

I didnt intend to make anyone think about themselves. I was venting. Im v low lately. Very. Thanku Yumi for making me feel sane and understood. Best check out youtube..'the passive aggressive boss' and' the passive aggressive boss the worsening' funny and not just applying to bosses.

My bad~ perhaps i have a little narcissism in me as well.


I do hope things get better for you and your employment situation.

[eskielover]

@abused-baker

i'm happy you found my post helpful. it makes me sad reading you were married with a P/A man, i hope things are better for you now.
I cant imagine how you must have felt during that time.
[not sure what to say anymore, so i'll stop here]

What was good about your post actually was that you explained how Asperger's can come across as P/A.....it just reinforces my understanding that the P/A that I was hating to be around had a reason & not that he was just the horrible jerk I thought he was for so long. Sadly there were so many bad things that happened in the marriage that even knowing there is a good reason wouldn't make any difference in getting the divorce because one can't have a marriage when there is NO emotional involvement which there wasn't for any of the 33 years....but I didn't understand that & thought that was more me....but have learned after I left that it wasn't me that had the problem communicating & relating to people.....but it took leaving & getting out of that environment to see it for what it was......I thank you for tying what seems like P/A at times, actually to asperger's.

[MuseumGhost]

For Citrine:

YES. Agreed. Passive aggressive people have pretty much been, and continue to be, the bane of my existence. Littlest sister was one (and HOW!). Stepmother was /is one (hence, I call her stepmonster...). Husband exhibits it from time to time, but not often enough for me to call it quits (I merely think he learned some horrible behaviours at the hands of his parents.). He actually responds better to very straight-forward advice on how to handle differences of opinion and confrontation than many people I have met. Only, I am getting tired of repeating myself about it....

To explain for people who have not really encountered these behaviours, or are unclear on what they are:

"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible."

"For research purposes, the DSM-IV describes passive-aggressive personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes, and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations".

"Passive-aggressive may also refer to a person who refuses to acknowledge their own aggression, and who manages that denial by projecting it. This type of person insists on seeing themselves as the blameless victims in all situations." (all of the quotes: from Wikipedia.)

There is much more helpful and interesting information on Wikipedia regarding this topic, at:

Passive-aggressive behavior - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The additional information there helps to separate those who perhaps have a P-A personality disorder, and those who may only occasionally (or because of other mental afflictions) display these behaviours, periodically. It also discusses possible root causes of it.

(((Hugs))), for all. I do not lay blame at the feet of people who are diagnosed with a disorder---but for those who know better and still continue to behave in these ways, I hold only the utmost contempt for them. (They know who they are. They do it because it feeds them, somehow. And, worry not, it is no one here---)

Might I also add that I have been the target of open hostility, and the questioning of my character and motives, when no one else is around to witness it, or defend me (and almost always when I am feeling vulnerable, and unready to defend myself, as well.) This would also qualify as an identifying behaviour, I am quite sure.

And I agree---the damage done can be overwhelming. It's taken me years of self-therapy to get to a place where the actions of these others in my life does not add measurable fuel to the fire of my major depressive disorder.

(((hugs again))), as I imagine dealing with a spouse, or a boss like this would be horribly difficult and draining, indeed.

[abused-baker]

@museumghost:
i never cared enough to read about the P/A behavior, but i see it describing me 99%
this doesn't eliminate my suspicion of me suffering from aspergers' [i have at least mild symptoms of it]
and i think this makes things worse, but i'll figure it out somehow, in the end.
thanks for opening my eyes.

[Citrine]

Thanks for good reply MuseumGhost and your sympathy. I also let off those with it as a diagnosed disorder but not those who use it as a weapon deliberately, knowingly. I think theres more and more these days or maybe they r drawn to me! I can honestly say I nearly short circuit around one. I work with a few one is an expert and i dread working with her i have to be on my guard. i cant outwit them because i cant think like them. I also know a few outside of work. Anyone married to one....phh v sorry for u.