[di meliora]

The concept of happiness being a choice is not new. How to implement the concept is the challenge. Dr. Ronald Pies has some ideas. Pies is a favorite of mine.

What Pies says includes much of what therapists in various ways have told me in treatment. I now understand I did not understand, or refused to recognize, the importance of harboring self-righteousness as an impediment to positive changes I needed in my life.

Pies' guest article is here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ness-is-choice

Dr. Pies tells us:

Stoicism holds that “things,” events and people do not really upset or disturb us—it is only our opinion of these that has the power to distress us. This is a very odd, counter-intuitive idea for many people to grasp! I often hear patients say, “C’mon, Doc! Are you saying that if somebody insults you at a party, in front of all your friends, that isn’t upsetting!?” Well, the Stoics would answer, “It isn’t the insult that upsets you, but your opinion regarding the insult.” Our modern day cognitive therapists would agree. For example, the late psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, divides the experience of being upset into three components: A. The event that seems to set off the emotion. C. The emotion itself. And what is the “missing B”? It is our belief or opinion about “A”, the event. Often these thoughts are barely in our consciousness, but may emerge upon careful self-examination. So, for example, the target of the insult probably had thoughts such as, “Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing! How am I ever going to live this down? I can’t stand that I’ve been humiliated like this!” Ellis would call this sort of thinking “catastrophizing” or “thinking irrationally.”

The Stoics would say that you have placed excessive value upon the opinion of others, and too little value on your own virtue. After all, if you have done nothing wrong—like tossing your gin-and-tonic at the person insulting you—you have no reason for being terribly upset. Marcus Aurelius put it this way: “Seek refuge in yourself. The knowledge of having acted justly is all your reasoning inner self needs to be fully content and at peace with itself.” Shakespeare undoubtedly understood the Stoic position when he has Hamlet say, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so...”

Pies' lesson concludes:

In closing, when buffeted by life’s many “slings and arrows,” I find it helpful to keep in mind an important ethical teaching of Marcus Aurelius: “I do my duty. Other things trouble me not.”

Perhaps, one day I will learn.

[Travelinglady]

I agree. Our response to something is what makes the difference!

[Mustkeepjob32]

I agree I love Dr. Ellis' form of therapy. That reminds me, I need to get back to reading his book...

[Voss]

I don't know if happiness itself is a choice, but the pursuit of it as well as freedom from entrapment is. Many problems have a much bigger affect than an insult and cause harm regardless of opinion.

One thing I think especially holds people back is a kind of strange attachment to misery.

[Maven]

I don't fully regard happiness as a choice. I mean, some people can be easygoing and not feeling stressed about things most of us are, so they are happier than most. On the other hand, maybe they're not so much happy as content. I don't think feelings are a choice, but rather, the view we base our feelings on. If someone dies, I can be sad because I miss them, but I can also be happy if I believe he's in Heaven. But being happy for one reason, doesn't take away the pain I feel at the loss, and I don't feel I can choose not to feel that way.

[healingme4me]

I get that 'what other people think of me, is none of my business' (Catherine the Great),
Doesn't mean, all these great philosophers didn't work through it, themselves. If they didn't, they wouldn't have said it. 😄

Good reminder, to work through internal catastrophic, irrational thinking.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Little Lulu]

Thanks for this - I needed it today.

When I'm stable on meds, I have a much, much greater ability to choose happiness.

[Slamjammer]

I'm not so sure that happiness is something we can achieve directly, by choice. I don't think we can jump out of bed in the morning, say to ourself "I'm gonna be happy", and then go about our day with a silly grin on our face.

I think happiness is a BY-PRODUCT of other things...such as doing things well, which leads to self confidence & self esteem. Other ingredients include a sense of belongingness, & excitement about what tomorrow will bring.

Every single little detail of our lives doesn't have to be peachy-keen in order to be a happy person. Maybe your neighbor is annoying. Maybe money is tight. Worse yet, maybe you have lost a close family member. Nobody is going to be happy about such things, but they shouldn't change your overall outlook on life, and perhaps that's part of the secret. Focus on the big picture, and don't allow yourself to be dragged down by minutiae and things you can't control.

[Maven]

Well put, Slamjammer!

[Hellion]

Yeah I don't really buy that its a choice per say...also I think its untrue that if you've done nothing wrong but people are insulting you, you have no reason to be upset...it causes emotional pain when people are insulting or harassing(though depending on how far harassment goes there could also be physical pain). Of course I know 'don't let it get to you' yet for whatever reason when I've tried that it gets to me regardless of how much effort I put into not letting it do so.

But yes with being insulted and what not in my life I am upset about being insulted in general...not my opinion about it but just wishing people would either leave me alone or treat me half way decently.

I do agree that Happiness is a choice but In reply to @Slamjammer, I would add that saying that it is a choice is not saying that it's as simple as just getting up in the morning and going "I'll be happy today!" It is a process, that by choices we make in our life create that happiness, and indeed in a way it is a by-product of other things.

I think that we can more consciously choose happiness though but through the process of changing our thinking and, this supports the OP's post, analyses of things around us, our perceptions and opinions of things that are happening. it is something that takes time, changing our habitual thinking in a positive way.

In short, if someone were to say something insulting at me, I won't deny I will react to it much of the time, negatively but I also acknowledge that it is my perception of what they are thinking, why they said it and what the insult means. it may be inaccurate but that is what affects my reaction. As I've matured over the years though the one thing I do know is different is the lasting impression those events may hve on me, negatively. Because my thinking has changed.

I dont' even know if this is all making sense but the OP does seem to make sense on many levels.

[Hellion]

Yes just change the way you think....if your life sucks tell yourself it's awesome in every way. If you sufferred bullying and ostracism growing up don't acknowledge it damaged you just think of it as a positive learning experience ect. I don't know some things suck and changing how one thinks about it a lot of times ends up seeming more like lying to ones self.

Originally Posted by Hellion

Yes just change the way you think....if your life sucks tell yourself it's awesome in every way.
If you sufferred bullying and ostracism growing up don't acknowledge it damaged you just think of it as a positive learning experience ect. I don't know some things suck and changing how one thinks about it a lot of times ends up seeming more like lying to ones self.

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic in your first part of your post or not but if so, that's not what it means at all to change your thinking. It also doesn't work to just "not acknowledge" something or ignore it. That's called denial. But equally so the idea that anyone's life can just plain "suck" is the same kind of global thinking as denial would be. It's not all black and white. While saying your life is awesome in spite of any challenges is denial, so is saying everything sucks just because a certain number of negative things has happened. They are polar opposites.

No, but there is positive and negative to be gleaned from every event, even in the worst of times you can gain growth, understanding and see something positive in it, even if it has devastated you temporarily, it's not usually an entirely bad thing.

The changing of one's thinking has to do with what things you habitually focus on. Negative and self defeating thoughts are typically easier to have, and while I don't have the answer to why that is, I believe it's true.. that seeing the other side of things takes a lot of work and conscious thought. Because it takes so much more effort to see the good in situations, people tend to remain in the negative because frankly, many people go through life habitually or, more blundly, unconsciously.

Changing your thinking takes conscious decisions in what you look at, waht you want to acknowledge as important and doing this consistently until a habitual positive perspective occurs. That is not to say that there is nothing bad in life and you are blind to it at this point but that you have a more balanced view of good and bad. i don't think an entirely positive outlook is really possible or even healthy but a balanced one is necessary.

Now I'm rambling.

[Strive4health]

What happens if the people in your life are the ones contributing to your misery? Should you cut off every single person in your life because things they do you cannot control make you unhappy? Sometimes my husband does things that makes it impossible to choose to be happy. Should I get a divorce? Sometimes my parents do things that make it impossible to be happy. Do I pretend to not have parents? I think we have a choice in how we expose ourselves in life but sometimes our choices can make them unhappy...which leads them to doing things to make us unhappy. Misery loves company.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic in your first part of your post or not but if so, that's not what it means at all to change your thinking. It also doesn't work to just "not acknowledge" something or ignore it. That's called denial. But equally so the idea that anyone's life can just plain "suck" is the same kind of global thinking as denial would be. It's not all black and white. While saying your life is awesome in spite of any challenges is denial, so is saying everything sucks just because a certain number of negative things has happened. They are polar opposites.

No, but there is positive and negative to be gleaned from every event, even in the worst of times you can gain growth, understanding and see something positive in it, even if it has devastated you temporarily, it's not usually an entirely bad thing.

The changing of one's thinking has to do with what things you habitually focus on. Negative and self defeating thoughts are typically easier to have, and while I don't have the answer to why that is, I believe it's true.. that seeing the other side of things takes a lot of work and conscious thought. Because it takes so much more effort to see the good in situations, people tend to remain in the negative because frankly, many people go through life habitually or, more blundly, unconsciously.

Changing your thinking takes conscious decisions in what you look at, waht you want to acknowledge as important and doing this consistently until a habitual positive perspective occurs. That is not to say that there is nothing bad in life and you are blind to it at this point but that you have a more balanced view of good and bad. i don't think an entirely positive outlook is really possible or even healthy but a balanced one is necessary.

Now I'm rambling.

In truth not 'everything' sucks but even when things are not sucking so much I still end up feeling like crap most of the time...so feels like it sucks most of the time because of how I feel even though I know logically things aren't so bad at a given time.

Also I don't think I am ever going to see the trauma that caused my PTSD in a positive light in any way shape or form...I didn't gain any growth or understanding just more mental problems than depression and regular anxiety. Seems there are some things that no matter how you slice it nothing positive came out of it.

I constantly try to consider things I do enjoy about life and reasons to keep continuing with it....but yeah a lot of times that is overwhelmed by depressive thought and feeling very depressed. A lot of times people say 'quit telling yourself negative things' well its not things I tell myself its stuff stuck in my head that i try very hard not to belive or realize just because I've made mistakes in life and screwed up here and there does not make me some terrible person.

Also I wish I had the ability to make a concious descion as to what to focus on....a little hard when I get bombarded with thoughts/feelings I don't even want that wont go away I don't seem to have the ability to conciously turn the off switch. The trouble of having a mental disorder like depression is it really gets in the way of things like 'choosing' to be happy.