[jlove973]

**************************JOKE THREAD****************************

I Hope this will kick off

Hello fellow PC'ers I have noticed that there are several jokes out there. This is why I created the JOKE thread. So everyone that has a joke can share it within 1 thread. IMHO~I think it's a good idea. Have one thread so the jokes aren't being missed and spread throughout the forums
If you agree then throw a JOKE in here to make us laugh One liners are great as well as 50 liners, so share what you've got I can't wait to read them.

Here's one that I love This one really gets ya thinking I hope ya like it

Quick question for ya:

What Makes Life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then, H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But, A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And, B U L L $ H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, but Bull$hit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A $ $ K I S S I N G

will get you

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%.

Nice! I'm sure you understand

[sparkling]

OK I'm putting a link to a video instead

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/whitenerdy

[jlove973]

Great!!! That is funny Is there a Music or Video Thread here? Well, I just found it. It's this in the Question of the month by Doc John What's your favorite song?

[sparkling]

Here ya go. My friend sent me that. It's "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic

[sparkling]

I just didn't know what to put there before the 'edit time' expires...

[jlove973]

Guess what Sparkling, You did good. It's Hilarious and that's considered funny to me

[sparkling]

Gosh... no idea what to put in here now.... Give me a minute....

[jlove973]

You have to be over 18 to login to it. So I would take it off. That means you have to be a member of youtube as well to review it. I am but some of the members here aren't. You can review everything as a non member of Youtube that has no explicit content. Other then that you have to log in.

[jacq10]

I would just like to say Jlove that i LOOOOVE what you wrote up above!!

[jlove973]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sparkling said:
Gosh... no idea what to put in here now.... Give me a minute....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ok sounds good! Don't edit it just do a new post because it is messing up all of my posting I keep having to edit my posts to match what you are changing in yours. It's just easier to do a new post
Thx

[jlove973]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jacq10 said:
I would just like to say Jlove that i LOOOOVE what you wrote up above!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Which one?
I'm kind of lost because there are a few of over lapping posts here. My bad.

[jacq10]

The very first one ... with the joke!

[jlove973]

Ahhhhhh COOL!!! I'm glad you liked it

[jlove973]

Is this is so true or what

[Sarah116]

Once a man went to see a Psychiatrist wearing nothing but saran wrap. When he asked the doctor what he thought was wrong the doctor answers "Well I can clearly see your nuts." From JIBJAB

how do you get a grandma to say the C swear word?

get another one to shout BINGO!!!

[jlove973]

ROTF LMBO WPMP

[Sarah116]

Ha that was cute Mellors!

[jacq10]

How Latex Gloves are made:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
>"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
>"No, I don't" she replied
>
>Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
>
>She didn't crack a smile.
>
>"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
>
>"What's so funny?" he asked.
>
>"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
>
>Gotta watch those little old ladies!
>Their minds are always working.

[sparkling]

The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[jlove973]

Who is this calling?
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

[jlove973]

The redneck jokes are my favorite I love Jeff Foxworthy!

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You don't know what a redneck is.

You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

You thought ER was ET's cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.

You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color

[jlove973]

Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It's mushy.

7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

[katheryn]

curtain poles

He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some rock music, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for
dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-husband called the man and asked how things were going.

He told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and
said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce
his divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on
a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the wife and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, ****, let's go home."