[moooo2u]

I actually made it to the NYC People's Climate March yesterday. That's quite a success for me. I was able to catch myself numerous times thinking that it was stupid that I go and acknowledge that it was something that I really wanted to do. Fear and nerves, I suppose, tried to keep me in the bathroom all morning but I made it out catching the later train that I knew would still work for me to arrive with enough time to acclimate.
My plan was to arrive early enough to see which group/theme I felt that I should march with and I was able to do that and the theme of the Scientist group resounded the most with me so I stuck with them. Another reason I was with them was explained by one of the other marchers to a guy who was trying to get the science group to be motivated and loud and to chant and yell - she said to him - dude, we're scientists, we're all introverts and are not going to yell and be loud. Obviously, not all are like that but I liked that - and we did chant and yell maybe just not as loud as the socialists or anarchists.
So, I'd found a group that I could relate to but had to keep convincing myself that I was ok to stay because I love science but I'm not actually a scientist so what right did I have to walk with them. I had to keep telling myself that it was their message that I wanted to support and that I belonged there.
Why does something so seemingly simple have to be so difficult?
We marched, I stayed with that group, I said a sentence or two to a couple of people - always initiated by them.
I need to meet people more like me - I'm tired of meeting the extroverts who ultimately end up being controlling.
There are a couple of problems.
I can be quite talkative and don't mind talking to people but I don't do it enough and I don't really know how to do it.
The march made me realize several things:
1) the people who love science and are basically geeks are the people that I should be surrounding myself with somehow.
2) I have no idea how to initiate conversations with people and am basically afraid to. I think its that feeling that I'm not good enough - the same reason I don't call people or have any deep relationships with anyone other than my wife (whom my therapist had said is probably a contributing factor to me believing I'm not good enough).
3) working from home is the worst thing I could be doing. I'm bad enough with being social but I've had no real contact with people.
4) I was alone in a group of 400,000 people. How sad is that. I had no one to come with me (my daughter would have but had to work). I had no skills or ability to break through and actually talk to someone. I look around at some of the really unusual people who are unique and different and wild and think, "I'm nothing" - I'm too afraid of what people will think of me and believe that people think the worst of me. That's a sad way to live.
I went to a high school football game alone (wife was out with girls) earlier where there are plenty of people I know (wife is on the school board and kids are in the school) and I try to say hello to some and they don't acknowledge me. If my wife were present, they would acknowledge me and they know who I am and I've spoken to them numerous times before. Its strange and it upsets me - its like I'm a ghost which is actually a recurring theme with me.
I'm almost 48 and have been like this all my life. I'm smart, I'm successful in my field although its not what I want to do and I actually really don't like it but its the perfect field for a people pleaser (leading a technical product support team). One problem there is that the potential for conflict is making me incredibly stressed and it takes a lot of effort for me to pick up the phone and call a customer. Too much stress.
The other problem is putting thoughts to action - I know some things I need to do - my therapist and I agreed that I had the tools I needed to progress when we agreed that therapy could end and also, my wife has a friend who is a life coach and I get tidbits of info from him on his various social media outlets. I know what I need to do and I spend a lot of time thinking about what I need to do - I just don't do it.
I will go through my daily affirmations.
I will mediate for 20 minutes and try to rein in some of the scattered thoughts that race through my head.
That's a start - and I've been successful in doing that for a couple of weeks.
I need to find people like me to be with.
I need to somehow expand my skills - maybe go back to college and try to finish but I don't have time to complete most of the free online classes that I try to take - work and family and doing everything for everyone except myself takes priority. When you've always been the person who does it all and makes sure everything is OK, people expect that and don't like you to stop.
Sometimes it seems pretty insurmountable.
But I need to be positive - happiness is a choice. Catch the negative thinking and reframe.
Work is work and I get paid so I need to do my job.
Work allows me to take training - I need to actually do that.
All of these things just fall to pieces though when work actaully starta and pulls me in all directions and when everyone makes demands on my time and needs me to take care of something for them.
This putting myself behind everyone else will destroy me.
Going to the march was good but it really highlighted to me that i have a problem - several.
Why can't I just be happy in my life. I'm getting older. Only one kid left in the house for a couple more years. And don't anyone flip out of the next comment, I'm not going to kill myself, but I see little reason to get older for myself - for everyone else, yes. don't get me wrong, I take great pleasure in my family - my kids are wonderful and I'm sure when they have kids, life will get even more interesting. I've lived a life of regrets - of chances not taken out of fear - decisions made in fear disguised as practicality (Jim Carey said that in a commencement speech).
My children love me and my wife loves me although, its been postulated that she is partly contributing to my destruction. I told her once that she doesn't love me - she loves the idea of me. She didn't get it and I didn't go into it because talking about how I feel produces really bad results.
but anyway
enough of this - time for me to take some action and see what I can accomplish before work pulls me away.
do my affirmations, meditate and then maybe do some of the 3 online courses I'm trying to do or maybe do some online training through work. try to come up with a plan.

[Altered Moment]

Sounds like you are working very hard at it and plus have a lot of good things in your life.

Finding meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life I think is difficult for everyone. I wouldn't be to hard on yourself. You are taking steps to change, what more can we do.

I would have marched with the scientist too and probably not said a word. Maybe there are clubs or activist groups or something similar you can join. Even an online group. Online can be easier to communicate but is still human interaction.

[moooo2u]

I thought I had posted to the Other Mental Health forum, not general social chat. hope that's ok.
thanks zinco, maybe there is something I can join - it just has to be something that I can stick with - I've been involved with things like bay cleanups and establishing a kayak trail but those are not things that meet all that often. I just need to keep looking and do more than just think about looking for a group.

[gayleggg]

Special interest groups can be quite helpful. I used to be in a Mac User group and found many people I could talk to, especially ask questions. I live in the country now and can't go anymore and there isn't really anything close that I'm interested in. I hope you find something that excites you. Keep up all the good things you are doing for yourself. And don't stand in your wife's shadow, I'm sure some of those people at the football game would love to talk to you if they knew you wanted to talk. I don't know enough about football to carry on a conversation though.