[-jimi-]

My lovely friend who is driving me completely bonkers is going away for the weekend. Best friend but... since her sick leave started she has been so demanding!!! We are opposites, I need to be alone a lot and she needs to always be with people. With no job she has been spending that time HERE. Day after day... Whew!

Anyway, some other perks... I can have some wine (she doesn't drink), I can eat onion (she doesn't tolerate it), I can eat meat (without having to think of a veggie alternative for her), I can watch a horror movie (too scary for her), I can sleep in without being woken up, I can eat when it suits me (or I eat when she needs food)... I'm trying to think of more things I can DO... he he.

I'm happy for you, but I don't understand why you cannot do the things you mentioned when she is there.

You might want to think about that because she is only going to be away for a weekend.

With that said, enjoy!

[-jimi-]

I have no idea how to make her come here less. She sees no "point" in me being alone when she is lonely.

And having horror on when she's here... um she would end up sleeping in my bed.

[gayleggg]

Maybe it's time you set aside some quiet time, where you let her know you will not be available during those times. Be more assertive in letting her know that you need your quiet time.

[LikeABoomerang]

I think its only fair that if she is invading your personal space all the time, that you still be able to enjoy some of the things you always do. If you have to put up with her neediness, she can put up with your having a glass of wine when you please or eating onions, etc. If she can't leave you with some alone time, you can at least lay down some boundaries. Friendship should go two ways, not just you accommodating her all the time.

[-jimi-]

Yea, thing is I only enjoy wine on my own. I never drink socially. I basically do need a lot of own time. The problem is you can't create rules with her, she is not the type. It's actually quite hard to explain how someone isn't "normal" like that, and you can't just make people understand and accept either. She most likely has some kind of autism. I have learned that we do not HAVE boundaries in this friendship, LOL. I have to take the good with the bad. And would I evict her from my life? Hell no, she is way to valuable. I rarely find people I can share any real thoughts with, and I can with her.

I have tried the boundary thing, I have tried to explain the rules. She simply doesn't get it. She has major issues generalizing a specific rule. And I can't make rules for every situation that might come up. People tell me to be stubborn with my rules but it is basically like trying to outstubborn a cat. I guess that is why I even accept her in my life. She reminds me of a cat. (She actually CAN meow and purr as well, no kidding.)

She will start treatment end of summer and I hope she will be at least half back to her normal physical self, at least if she cannot work a lot maybe she can hook up with a group to do activities. Right now she is basically trapped in her brain and her body restricts most things. My world is basically internal, but hers is external. She has to DO things to fully exist.

I will also be kind to her since the treatment IS risky and might wound up killing her.

Anyway, I'm not making any huge changes in my life until I know where her treatments will take her. IF... she cannot be treated, then we're talking about something different, then she will have to expand her interests and circle of friends to have daily activities she can actually do. But I don't want to go there prematurely.

[LikeABoomerang]

Well, good for you for being such a good friend to her then . I don't know how you do it lol. I would find it very hard to maintain my sanity and keep my anger in check without my space. Especially if I felt I wasn't allowed to live my life the way I wanted in my own home. Seriously, the whole not being able to sleep in thing would see a person stabbed very quickly LOL. Lately my cat has a death wish I think. 4:30 in the morning is too early to be fed or go outside. I feel a sense of accomplishment that she is still alive really...

[splitimage]

At the end of 2006 I was really sick with alcoholism, and had basically cut myself off from all contact with friends except one, since all I wanted to drink. So I was leaning on this one friend very heavily, and really using her for my needs.

It was hard to hear at the time, but the kindest and best thing she ever said to me was "I can not be your only support system, I will burn out. You need to open up tell other people about your problems, and ask for their help."

It was scary, but I did it, and now I have a lot more friends as a result.

splitimage

[-jimi-]

I have another friend whom I haven't known for that long, I have to remind her all the time that I cannot be anything but her friend. She wants me to be her tutor and psychologist as well. It really hurts her feelings when I say no to her. But I'm pretty much intune with what I can and can't.

[-jimi-]

Got the meat and onion eating done! LOL.

[healingme4me]

Good to hear that you'll get a bit of free time. do you find yourself valuing what makes you, you, a bit more?

[-jimi-]

I'm not sure I understand.

[MuseumGhost]

I say, indulge yourself for a bit and do not worry about anything.

I adore my husband and friends, but when I have a chance to be truly alone and eat/drink/watch the things I most enjoy (which they might not), I find it's kind of like camping out, or going to a spa weekend for my nervous system.

It never hurts to indulge yourself once in awhile. In fact, I think it is rather healthy thing to do, especially if it does not step on anyone else's toes.

[-jimi-]

Hah yea... I'll try not to step on my cats' paws is all. I've yet to watch a horror movie... can't find a good one...

[-jimi-]

I was very surprised to see how long I slept by myself no one waking me. Woke up close to 5 PM!! I am nocturnal but mostly I get up at 1-2...

I agree with LikeABoomerang 'Good for you for being such a good friend'!

And I'm happy for you that you are getting some good loner time.

[cakeladie]

You are a very good friend

[-jimi-]

I have all day tomorrow as well. But I have chores so that makes it less fun...

[*Laurie*]

Maybe there's a cultural difference at work here...Europeans tend to be much friendlier than we Californians are, but if I had someone like that around it would drive me over the edge. There's being a good friend - and there's also having poor boundaries. You seem very relieved that your friend is away...maybe you shouldn't always open the door for her when she drops by?

[CapedCrusader]

Well, that's what u think. he he

[-jimi-]

Nah it is not about culture. It is about us being different people with a different take on friendship. I actually don't mind her barging in or using my stuff. The only time we sort of clash is when it is about how much time we should spend together. We fit each other very well in other aspects. But she likes to hang out always, while I like much more time on my own. I'm not even sure it is appropriate to talk about boundaries in a relationship like that. More that we need to work things out our own way. We live in a kind of symbiosis foreign to most people. You don't simply try to cut out a square of that and claim that as yours. What should the other part do, withdraw other things so it evens out?

If I demand a "normal" relationship from her I demand she becomes neurotypical, and what is more, I also have to become NT. That is what is truly needed for normalcy. Needlessly to say, none of us can change our neurology.

Yeh of course I'm glad to be left alone because I need that in my life. I also need her in my life. She feels the same as I do, I feel she is here all the time, she feels like we don't meet as much as she wants. In most psychology more power is always given to the withdrawing part, in the name of boundaries.

More important, I haven't yet watched a movie!

[*Laurie*]

If it works for both of you, then good.

[-jimi-]

I watched a totally dull thriller yesterday. But I'm also reading a novel I like, so I guess that evens out.

[xiare]

Sounds like it's time to set some boundaries.

I just watched this horror/romantic movie and thought it was great. I don't normally like horror so you might find it weak, but I thought it was so good wanted to recommend it anyway.