The 'happiness comes from within' fallacy

This is a great realization ! To realize that we cannot possibly be the cause of all the pain we suffer is very relieving and liberating.

Like you said, we also shouldn't blame ourselves for not being able to connect with others. Everyone has a unique set of traits and flaws and problems. Some connect more easily with others; others don't ... simple as that.

I can best answer this question with an analogy.

I once read about an interesting two step experiment in psychology, involving caged rats.

Step 1 - Rats were first placed in a cage with the door locked. An electric current was passed through the cage, thus electrocuting all the rats inside. The self-preservation instinct kicked in, and the rats tried to escape. They found their attempts to escape entirely futile, because of the locked door. No matter what they tried or where they ran, they were unable to escape.

Step 2 - The same rats were placed in the same cage, with the door now open. They were electrocuted again. The rats made no attempts to escape. They had discovered the futility of trying to escape, so they just sat there and took the pain. They couldn't care less about the state of the cage door ... as far as they were concerned, they just couldn't escape.

They learned the power of surrender ! And, with that surrender, must have come a state of inner peace, because, they no longer felt the heavy burden or responsibility of self-preservation. They were no longer stressed out, because stress derives from the feeling of "There's something we can do about the situation." They realized that it was out of their hands.

As for me, well, I'm one of those rats. No matter what I've tried in life, it has ended badly for me. My happiness/peace derives from that simple act of surrendering my fate to the powers that be.

Job interviews, a woman, a nice car, a house, "the nice life" ... all meaningless to me now.

Interesting as I never gave up the quest to leave the bad situation (marriage ) I was in. When I felt trapped I tried suicide (obviously the tries....yes plural....didn't work). I am a fighter so I just kept on fighting figuring in he was going to make my life miserable I would return the favor.

I was blessed with my moms house after she died & that was when I made my full escape 2100 miles away leaving 33 years of my life & things accumulated behind. Like you....things have no meaning to me....but my freedom does & to be able to connect to the people who surround my life NOW has been the biggest blessing of all along with pointing out how totally dysfunctional both my parents & H were in their ability to communicate rationally & to emotionally connect to.

I'm glad I didn't give up the quest for the cage door or radically accept having to tolerate the H I was married to.

Some personalities don't give up a fight very easy. Glad I didn't or I would have continued to be trapped & never know the freedom I have found in my life. Probably wouldn't be alive today if I would have stayed

Tears stream down my face as I type words to tell you that I have *so much* compassion and admiration for you. That is something our pasts have in common, so I can relate to it better than most in your life.

As for the rest, I admire your courage and determination ... qualities that I had in the past but seem like blurry memories now.

I wish that, like you, I had people in my life. There is no one.

I am sorry your past had to go through that experience also.

I had courage & determination all my life & was actually happy with what I did with the professional part of my life....but that was the part of my life I hid in until Calif aerospace crashed in the mid 90's & I found myself facing the other part of my life with no where to get away from it though I didn't understand at the time what was experiencing.

That was when life crashed....13 year black hole I don't remember much of other than in & out of medical hospitals & psych hospitals & in between riding my horse, practicing for dressage shows & showing my Eskimo dogs that were somehow supposed to take the place of my career to give me something to focus on. By that point, happiness didn't come from within OR from without. Everyone pointed to the problem being the loss of my career as the cause of my problems & convinced me of that. Obviously they were the professionals they should know. Correct at surface level

My horse & dogs were supposed to be my new escape...but it didn't work. By that time, happiness couldn't come from within or from outside.

Somehow that courage & determination that it took me to fight the pressures against my having a non-female career must have been lying dormant those 13 years.

I honestly think now that its something that never goes away but needs the right environment to recover & grow again. When I finally found myself, that is when happiness started to return. Think it's a combination or self & environment actually where happiness actually comes from. Not one or the other but both