Worried About Getting Too Comfortable Here

I've only been here a few days, and have really been opening up. I offer advice when I think that I have something good to add, or will share an anecdote to show how I relate to what the other person's issue is all about.

But I'm afraid of getting too comfortable and opening up.

I have Social Anxiety, and some of that revolves around the fact that I will be honest with people and tell them the truth, even if I feel that it's not what they want to hear. I don't kiss butt at all. It does work against me.

There was a thread recently, where I told a person who was having a difficulty to walk a mile in the shoes of their family. If you called them, and they gave you one-word answers, would you want to keep talking to them?

It was honesty, and it employed the Socratic Method. The person's answer to my question wouldn't be important to me, but it would be important to them.

My worry is that people will get hurt, upset, offended, or will think that I'm trying to cause them harm. After I posted my response, I immediately thought about another forum where I was banned because they said I was attacking another member.

I remember my "attack" clearly: "If you don't love yourself, then would it be fair to expect others to love you?"

As it turned out, it was a butt-kissing forum, so I was glad to be ejected. This forum feels different, in that it seems that people are having actual conversations, instead of kicking and screaming like babies while everyone gathers around to tell them they're okay.

It was a friend's honest that helped me get out of a bad situation.

Long story short, I left my ex and lived with someone for a while. This friend worked with me, so he'd pick me up. Every time he picked me up, I would talk non-stop about my ex. It was always, "You won't believe what she did to me last night." Stuff like that.

One day, I'm in the middle of my attention-seeking woe-is-me story, when he tells me to shut up. He yelled at me about how I was always this big victim, and yet I keep talking to her, and so on.

And then he said, "I think you ENJOY being a victim. You like getting attention. It doesn't make you special, so shut up."

I was VERY offended at first, almost to tears. But after I was done being offended, I thought about what he said, and realized that he was right. I DID enjoy being a victim. I was addicted to being a victim. I was doing whatever it took to maintain my victim status, so that people would gather around me and say, "Wow, he's got it rough."

That was the first day on my path to recovery.

Ever since then, I've been honest, just like my friend was, but without the "shut up" and other inflammatory words. Name-calling and other insults are always off-limits.

But I can't help but wonder if I'm getting too comfortable, and then maybe I'll be crossing the line by telling someone that they're being unreasonable, or even that they might have to look at themselves instead of pointing fingers at others.

I like it here, and do like participating. I do my best to not cross any lines.

Worry, worry, worry. It's what I do best.

I can certainly understand your worry. I too, prefer a more honest approach and like to suggest possible solutions when I feel like I can contribute to someone's post.

You'll have to play it by ear, honestly. For the most part people seem to either be neutral towards my posts, or like them. But I have received defensive reactions before and even found myself on the ignore list of a poster. I try to remember that everyone is at a different point in their lives, some are not ready to take the actions required to feel better. Some are stuck in the "woe is me" stage, and make many posts about how terrible life is but aren't open to suggestions on how to get past it. Because they are not yet ready to move past it. I have been there before in the past, so I understand it but it also can be frustrating to see people who are stuck.

In those cases I may offer a hug and no reply, because I know they aren't receptive to it. You'll find that as you are a member here longer, it will become easier to see who is asking for advice and real talk, and those who just want to vent and be heard but not hear any constructive ideas for change.

Please continue to be yourself.

I think it really depends on what part of the forum you're on. I find that the relationship section is honest to the point of harsh, occasionally. The depression part (where I am a lot) is kinder and gentler.

Some people are here to vent and they get to have support in that. Some are on the fence about what to do and really want opinions from all sides. Some really want members to be on their "side" only. And some posters really need some tlc.

It's not a one size fits all kind of forum. And sometimes, strangers behind a computer screen have well-meaning intentions but their delivery kind of sucks.

We do have moderators who are kind, but they are protective of the members (It is Psych Central after all...)

I'll definitely do my best to be careful, while still being myself. I'll also try to keep my tendency to be a "fixer" in check.

Interesting thread. I can really "resonate" with this, but I do have my reservations.

Here goes my 2 cents, as they say:

Not everybody responds to the same treatment. While someone being blunt as a mace helped you, it could send a vulnerable person very far down. Please be mindful of this and use this new-found honesty very wisely.

Something I sometimes struggle to keep in mind, is that not everybody wants to or is ready to hear what you feel about them or their actions, whether right or wrong or have good intentions or not -- some need to figure things out themselves.

I have social anxiety as well, by the way; it's the primary reason for my being "disabled". Just throwing that out there so as to say "I relate". xD

I most definitely do not love myself, but I have people in my life who, in one way or another, love me. I don't expect it, but it's a thing, and it's not so far-fetched.

I think the reason it didn't go down well, as much as I can appreciate what you were getting at, is because it may have made them feel like nobody loved them or could love them because they don't love themselves, thus it felt like an attack. You being banned for that alone seems a bit extreme to me, so I'm going to guess that we're missing a chunk of the story.

The problem is, sometimes we can have the best, most heart-felt intentions, but somebody somewhere can still take it in a way that is completely not what was intended; I guess that's just one of the "wonders" of communication.

Anywho, I know I'm a bit late as you're already 40 posts in, but welcome to Psych Central. Hope you stick around.

I like honesty
I believe that a true friend has to lay out a few unpleasant truths every now and then

Yep sometimes 'tough love' is the best and most appropriate advice but.......
More than once I've thought what he/she really needs to hear is '....' ......instead of the butt kissing and ego stroking that often goes on and just perpetuates things. Examples being ' just get off your fat butt and exercise' or 'ok so he ditched you but what have you got to offer AND you expected him to pay for the date...get real'. But of course I don't say it. But we all need to hear unpleasant truths from time to time.

I hope you stay. I've read some of your posts and thought they were helpful.

As for being direct, it took me a long time to learn how to do it, but it is possible to be honest and direct in a civil manner. I've not seen anything from you that was not civil, but maybe you could keep it in mind when you reply to people.

This is all great advice that I will be keeping in mind. Thank you to everyone who has responded so far.

I appreciate your honesty. Please play it by ear. Some of the posters on here are very fragile. Best wishes.

Yes, fragile egos. Even therapists have to wait until they feel someone is ready for the truth.

If you don't mind a bit of a wait for moderator evaluation, then you might ask if you could do what someone else does here--check with the moderators before posting your reply. They might do this on posts you are worried about. Just a thought.

Please don't tell me that's a dumb idea.

Thanks for your sweet concern about this matter. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I did go back and delete one response that I thought might be too heavy. It's true, a person has to be ready.

Your idea is good, but I'll try to self-moderate and make sure that I don't step on anyone.

I will admit I am more of a "lurker" on some posts rather than a "fixer-upper." I have been on and off this site for five years now, and I go to places like the "Coffeehouse" or the "Games" section because I like light conversation.

Sometimes I lurk around other sections but I think when forming an opinion it's best to keep in mind that you want to be gentle with people here because some are quite fragile. I also understand the social anxiety. I, myself, don't have any real life friends that I can go have a cup of coffee with, which I regret a lot of the time.

Anyway, I have seen some of your posts and you have been direct, but mindful, which is key when replying to a thread. I hope you do stick around. I am WAAYYY too comfortable here, but it's a safe place so don't feel too bad about it.

See you around the forum!

From what I've seen, you've been yourself and helpful and insightful.

Unless you begin violating rules, etc., why change and tiptoe around?

Walking on eggshells isn't an act of wellness..

I have no plans to walk on eggshells. At the same time, I don't want to be overly-honest with someone who doesn't seem ready for it.

But if it does feel like I'm walking on eggshells, then I would take the time to consider whether or not I belonged here in the first place. This forum seems relatively helpful and open to discussion, which is good.

The other forum wasn't, so I had to be really, really careful and got nothing out of it.

I don't believe this forum requires walking on eggshells. I've been a member for a few years, rather active at that, until more recently where life outside the 'net, has taken precedence.

I've perhaps butted heads on a rare occassion but a couple of times and frankly wasn't anything compared to the hostility of the place a little before PC. (many moons ago)

I haven't truly found that much of what I've said is unwelcome, etc.

The word honest could be a play on semantics?

I suppose that it could be, although I have little interest in splitting that particular hair.

I understand your worry. It is ok to be honest. But some people cannot accept it well. Mostly, I check their previous posts before I reply to know their brief personality. If they are too fragile or cannot accept critics well, I make sure to be extra careful.

Honesty without compassion is cruelty.

Personally I'd much rather not make assumptions about people. If someone irritates me, I look closely at my OWN issues.

I hope you find what you're looking for.