[Hope]

Would you like to share a good clean joke you have?

Here is one-

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody, but one girl, laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

Got a good one? Share it on this thread with us.

[Naturefreak]

Balls

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

I actually stole this from another member , lol
But I thought it was a good one so I thought I'd share

[modelcarguy]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

[Hope]

Any jokes I meant to say.

Originally Posted by Kibo

Would you like to share a good clean joke you have?

Here is one-

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody, but one girl, laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

Got a good one? Share it on this thread with us.

[Hope]

Awesome jokes you guys. Thank you very much for sharing. lol

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by modelcarguy

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

LOL I have been in her shoes before!!!

[Porcelain_doll_2004]

Thanks for sharing!

[kris9999]

Haha. When I was on labor with my daughter I was telling jokes throughout the whole thing making the doctors and nurses laugh. Maybe they were just laughing to comfort me. Ayways here's one I told...

A cop pulls a car pulls a car over on a back road and approaches the driver. He asks her
"Is there a reason that you`re swerving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "I am so scared officer!! I almost wrecked! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me! I can't seem to get around them"
The cop looked at the woman stunned and said "Ma`am... that`s your air freshener."

Not as funny as I used to think it was but it gives me a chuckle now and than

[Hope]

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

"the economy"

[ADHD1956]

George W. Bush is BACK in the White House.

[modelcarguy]

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

[Timgt5]

The Three Great Lies:

"I will respect you in the morning"

"Your Check is in the Mail"

"Hi, I am from the Federal Government and I am here to help!"

[Timgt5]

Women and Geography:
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there

[Timgt5]

and Men age 1-70

Like Iran and North Korea, ruled by their Nuts!

[Timgt5]

Here is an old one:

The Pope, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton and a boy scout were on an small private airplane. The Plane develops trouble and is going to crash there are only 3 parachutes.

Bill Gates grabs the first one and says "I have to live, I am too critical to the computer industry to die" and he grabs a pack and jumps out.

Hillary Clinton grabs a pack and says "I have to live, for I am the smartest woman in history and am needed to bring about world peace" So she jumps

The Pope, looks at the little boy and says "my son, please take the last one, I have lived a long and fruitful life in the service of the Lord, and am ready to meet his embrace"

The boy smiles at the Pope and says "Thats ok father, we can both still have parchuttes, you see that smartest woman in history... took my backpack"

[Timgt5]

Seven of Nine was proof that the Borg of Star Trek actually had a Twisted sense of Humor. It is the only explonation of why this rather emotionless passionless civilization would have one that looked like a super model

[Sanada]

How do you make time fly?
Throw a clock out of the window.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by Sanada

How do you make time fly?
Throw a clock out of the window.

What goes tick tick woof?
A watch dog.

this joke is clean.... it ends before it swears so should be okay

once their was a farmer with 3 daughters.

it so happened that on this particular night, all 3 of his daughters had dates

so then their was a knock at the door.

when the farmer answered, the man said to him- my name's joe, i'm here for flow, we're going to the show- is she ready to go?

so the farmer thought that was nice and sent the couple on their way

the next man who came to the door said,

my name is blair, i'm here for clair, we're off to the fair- is she their?

again, the farmer let those 2 go

the third man came up and began by saying

my name is chuck..

the farmer shot him

best one I heard lately is this

donald trump visits the queen

he tells the queen that he wishes to change how the USA is sceen, and suggests renaming it a kingdom.

the queen says, i'm sorry mr trump, but in order to be a kingdom, their needs to be a king. you, sir, are not a king.

so then trump says to the queen, what about a principality

and the queen says well mr trump, in order to do that, you'd need to be a prince. you, sir, are not a prince

annoyed now, donald just stands their trying to think of something else to say to the queen

the queen breaks the silence and says- I think you're doing quite well with running it as a country

this cowboy walks in to a bar and orders a drink

he's sitting their, enjoying his drink and the atmosphere of the bar.
.

as he goes outside to leave, he realises his horse is missing.

so he goes back in the bar and booms in a loud voice,

which 1 of you stole my horse?. i'm going to have 1 more drink, and if my horse isn't back when i've finished, i'm gonna do what I did in texas.

so he has another drink, goes to leave, and sure enough, his horse has been returned

just before he rides away, the bartender comes to ask him

hey, partner, what did you do in texas?

cowboy smiled at him and said, well, I had to walk home

the 3 bears are walking home after another day's hunting.
suddenly they meet the 7 dwarves coming home from the mines.

1 of the dwarves says, we didn't have a good day today, did we fellas?

another says, i'm not happy

1 of the bears asks well if you're not happy, well which one are you?

[Patagonia]

My kids tell me this joke bec they know it makes me laugh & I just can't help it!

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens???

Because they kept saying Bach Bach Bach!

Gets me every time!

so a husband and wife are living together

1 morning, after her shower, the wife slips on the bathroom floor and becomes unconcious

the husband rushes in, catches site of the wife and rings the emergency services

he says, my wife is unconcious on the floor, can you help me?
the operator asks him where he lives.

the husband says, I live at number 22, ucaliptus drive

the operator asks can you spell that?

awkward pause..

the husband then says,

never mind that, I might be able to drive her over to oak street

that's O.....A.....K