christmas cracker jokes here.. so bad they're good?

what do you call a deer with no eyes

no idea

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

still no idea

[Nammu]

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho!

what did one elavator say to the other one?

I think i'm coming down with something

what did mommy chimney say to baby chimney?

you're too young to smoke

[Ford Puma]

I am helpless with jokes even bad ones tend to be, well, lousy. So I will lurk here and see what others have to say.

why did addelle cross the road?

so she could say hello from the other side

lol

knock knock

who's their?

uni

uni who?

unicorn

a grasshopper walk in to a bar

bar tender says, we have a cocktail named after you

and the grasshopper says, what?. you have a cocktail called garry?

Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Here are a few holiday ones

• “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.”

• “Dear Santa, Sorry for what I did in the past, and thank you for the Christmas letter—I love it. But what I want for Christmas is $53 billion dollars.”

• “Dear Santa, How are you? I’m good. Here is what I want for Christmas: Amazon.com: Kid Galaxy Amphibious RC Car Morphibians Killer Whale. All Terrain Remote Control Toy, 27 MHz: Toys & Games

Two menorahs are sitting in the window.

The first one says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”

The second one says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”

A latke gave his mother a gift. As he did so, she said to him, “Awww, why are you so sweet?”

He replied, “I guess that’s just the way I yam.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by AB2371

Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

I do like the magician joke.

in the original joke though the captain throws them both overboard because he tells the magician the shows are being spoiled

just clearing that up for anyone who wondered how the magician ended up in the water

[Travelinglady]

These are bringing a to my face.

[88Butterfly88]

once their were 2 skunks, in and out.

well one day they both went out to play.

when mother skunk called them to come back inside, out came back in but in didn't

mother said to out, can you go and find in?. tell him it's breakfast time

so off went out to look for in

just a couple of minits later out came back with in behind

mother skunk asked out how he knew where to find in

and out replied...

instinks

what did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it's toes

let out a little wine...

where do cows go on vacation

moo york

who visits lobsters on christmas eve with gifts

sandy claws

[88Butterfly88]

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?
A pineapple

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

[88Butterfly88]

Why did Santa go to the doctor?
Because of his bad "elf"

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

how do you make a sausage roll

push it down a hill...

[88Butterfly88]