Have you ever given back a gift?

As for myself? I've never returned a gift, but I've regifted and donated. This year I sent my brother a Fandango gift card that I've been holding onto for a couple years, the theaters I went to wouldn't accept it as payment and I'm not one to buy movie tickets online, but many theaters do accept Fandango cards and my brother goes to the movies enough to make use of it.

Ah... regifting. A whole other ball game. While I likely wouldn't have the guts to do so myself, I have received rather oddly chosen gifts that I am sure are a case of just such sort of a thing. Instead of getting perturbed though I find myself doing a little chuckle. I tend not to feel slighted. Instead, I have imagined the gifter's reaction when they themselves got the item and sometimes my vision of it all can be quite humorous - especially when I get a fruitcake that I am sure has been passed around and around (is there just one in existence which keeps getting regifted to everyone? hahaha). Occasionally, a regifted present is on the mark. While obviously not a lot of thought has gone into the selecting of a gift for me I suppose something is better than nothing, right?

The only time I have re-gifted is when I have gotten something completely normal and nice that just isnt for me. My MIL got me this nice set from bath and body works but I do not like the scent and plan on keeping it for an occasion and then giving it to someone that I know who will use it.

While bottling up the natural reaction and negative emotion may be difficult and painful to do, the skill set is worth while in the end. Not saying anything, or fabricating the opposite reaction you feel would have avoided the conundrum to begin with. Afterwards you can donate, throw away, throw knifes at it, whatever. Furthermore you can retain the fact that they are thoughtless and any respect had for them can be removed justifiably. Or you could just be honest and let your true feelings express themselves at the moment. Telling them that it was obviously a **** sentiment and adamantly rejected. That’s how to show true colors, they are the prettiest.

So I just experienced this from the otherside on New Year's Eve and it has me rather ticked off.

I bought for all of my department coworkers Starbuck's gift cards. Considering there are 13 I work with this was not a cheap endeavour.

One of the co-workers did not appreciate the gift, got quite snotty about it, and gave it back all in a huff. It shocked me, it ticked me off, it was uncalled for. She infered that I ought to go out and get her an alternative. Not. Look, you don't have to have coffee. The place sells tea and hot chocolate - food too. You don't even have to use the card at all. But to have crapped upon me for the nice gesture was entirely in poor taste. And, to have suggested I go out and buy her something else instead I think was outright mean.

[QUOTE=LiteraryLark;6385305]((Dech)) I would agree with other members that it is normally rude to give back a gift, I particularly like WishfulThinker's comments how it's just improper etiquette in a world full of me-me-me, but if you are openly a vegetarian and a purist, your immediate family should respect your beliefs. There's another token to that too, the family who routinely sends you food may have it in their head that this is a good gift for anybody. I have the strangest feeling food is the type of gift you give when you simply don't know enough about the person to give a more personal gift...but that's not always true, either. My best friend always gives me and her other best friend really nice chocolate for birthdays and Christmas...she says she has a hard time choosing a gift she thinks we'd like, so she opts for chocolate because "you can never go wrong with chocolate". I think your family may not know what else to get you, and assume "if we buy her food she'll eat it and it won't go to waste". It can also be a routine, too. There's always that one relative who gets you the same thing every year whether or not you really like it. Like in A Christmas Story..."Aunt Clara had for years not only perpetually labored under the delusion that I was 4 years old, but also a girl."[/QUOTE


Thanks for this very balanced reply. This was a close family member. They could have called and said, "Hey, I am at a loss at what to get you this Xmas" and I probably would have said a journal, or some socks, or nice pens as I do art projects and writing. The point is the person was in a rut and had sent me food four times times in a row and I just got sick of it and threw a temper tantrum. Giving a meat product to a proud vegetarian is just asking for trouble! I was kind of peeved when I gave up coffee and then this person sent me a year's worth of coffee via a coffee club. In the past people have given me wine when I don't drink alcohol and haven't for years. Why do people do this??? Why oh why do they give food and alcohol?

It really isn't that hard to buy gifts is it? You just think of the person, their hobbies etc. Of course everyone has to eat but I personally think giving food is a terrible idea. I don't eat chocolate so what am I supposed to do with five pounds of it?

I was angry at the person but in the end I just gave the stuff away to people in my apartment complex. I didn't want to spend the money returning heavy food items in bottles and such.

For me, the gift said, "I wasn't really thinking about you, I was thinking about me and how to get this obligation taken care of," and that hurt my feelings, deeply.

Also...people will spend a lot of money on these kinds of gifts...such as gourmet food...when they could spend half as much on something simple but more directed such as a journal.

[QUOTE=WishfulThinker66;6387179]So I just experienced this from the otherside on New Year's Eve and it has me rather ticked off.

I bought for all of my department coworkers Starbuck's gift cards. Considering there are 13 I work with this was not a cheap endeavour.

One of the co-workers did not appreciate the gift, got quite snotty about it, and gave it back all in a huff. It shocked me, it ticked me off, it was uncalled for. She infered that I ought to go out and get her an alternative. Not. Look, you don't have to have coffee. The place sells tea and hot chocolate - food too. You don't even have to use the card at all. But to have crapped upon me for the nice gesture was entirely in poor taste. And, to have suggested I go out and buy her something else instead I think was outright mean.[/QUOTE



Okay. I would said this was insanely rude. First of all, these are co-workers. You don't need to gift them at all. Your gift seemed extremely appropriate and generous. You are right...Starbucks has a big selection of things. I love their herbal teas. I just really don't get this one. And then to suggest you go out and get her something else? Is there something more to this story I am not getting?

Thanks for all your replies.

I did not return the gift because like mostly everyone else here I consider it would have been rude.

This person has gotten into the habit of sending me food...and I kind of think it is lazy since they are a close family member.

However, I have been forced by this to rethink my own gift giving. I think I am going to stick to gift certificates next year. I am tired of spending so much money on posting a box...

I will just find a business in the person's vicinity and send a gift card.

Personally I can't imagine anyone thinking a gift certificate is rude. I am just going to make it easy. And like LL did...you can recycle. I think it was perfect that LL passed on the Fandango gift card to her brother. Nothing is wasted.

But I still think food is a horrible, horrible, horrible gift. It's so...very...not special.

Sometimes it is okay to talk to the giver. For instance, I had a close friend who kept sending me dog things that were of the type of dog I had who died. I finally told her to stop sending dog things like that because it just reminded me of my dead pet. Some people like pet reminders, others not so much. It was okay. This person took it in the right way.

I think another good gift is a magazine subscription in the area of something the person likes. How can you go wrong? If the person likes nature send them a magazine on nature...or a running magazine. It is so easy. No shipping costs.

I threw away a birthday gift my parents asked me to give to my ex-wife not long after we had split up - it was the most thoughtless gift ever. They knew we had split up and that she had moved in with 'the other man' (who was also a junkie btw, although they didn't know that or the full details).

Despite this, they bought (well expected me to pass on) her lacy and revealing black lingerie!

I was lost for words.

I've never given a gift back and don't think I ever would. Gotta say giving bacon to a vegetarian is either thoughtless or passive aggressive. I've always hated gifts that carried some kind of thinly disguised message. Back when I trained horses and worked nights delivering pizza my mother-in-law would give me frilly girly skirts. (I'm not a frilly, girly kind of person) The not so hidden meaning was that I should be more girly. I tried explaining that clothes suitable for the barn would be very appreciated. It took years, but it f'briefcase made out of a pair of giant granny pants inally sank in.

The thing that bothers me the most about "message" gifts is the underlying message that the gift receiver is in some way flawed or inferior. I try to pick gifts based on what I think the person will like, not what I believe they ought to like.

DechanDawa, if something like this happens again how about waiting until you no longer are hurt/angry and talk to the person about it?

came back to add this...

We used to do a gift exchange where I work. I did not like the whole thing, but participation was mandatory. One year I was not going to be at the meeting with the exchange. I was told I still had to provide something for the exchange. I put some thought into what I contributed. The person who forced me to participate gave me what he brought. It was a "briefcase" made out of a pair of giant granny pants, an x-rated DVD an book. I was horrified and embarrassed. (side note - I am a sexual assault survivor and this person knew) I promptly walked to the trash and dumped the whole thing in the garbage. Later in the day the person who gave it to me asked if I was offended. In a flat voice I told him I was. What I wanted to do was scream at him. I give myself credit for growth and healing. There was a time in my life I would've been huddled in a corer coming apart at the seams over it.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments and wisdom. I don't know if there is any "right" way to do this. I couldn't really wait until I wasn't angry to talk about my gift...because I have been angry, still. This leads me to think that gifts are extremely potent with meaning. My mother and sister always gave me inappropriate clothes so I really understand what you meant about hidden messages. On the other hand my ex-husband would buy me the most beautiful clothes, sweaters, shoes, boots, and coats. It was thrilling that he saw me able to "handle" sexy and also very close-fitted expensive tailored clothes.


As far as the gift exchange at your work...what a crazy, horrible gift! I liked your immediate response. Right on you were with that one!


Wow. What stories!

Well, someone once told me that if you criticize someone for something chances are you might find yourself doing the same thing. (It was meant to convey the idea we shouldn't judge.)

When my mother was very ill I bought her a necklace...made of something natural and heavy...like I think -- slices of agate. She put it on and said, "Take it off. It's too heavy. I can't breathe with it on." And she handed it back to me. It was very sad because then I realized how sick she was. Perhaps I should have gotten her a shawl or a quilt.

We all make mistakes. I need to be more forgiving.

Fabulous idea!

Regarding the woman I work with, there is no back story to the rather horrible reaction to the gift card I gave her. Her reaction came as a surprise as we have been getting along and she has always had my back. We have a strong TIm Horton's Vs Starbucks challenge here where people ardently support and are loyal to one or the other. I suppose this would be the source of the apparent insult to her.

I suppose this is one case where I would find regifting not just acceptable but actually appropriate.