[DechanDawa]

Someone sent me a Christmas gift that was clearly thoughtless. I got upset...but way more than I should have. I had a sort of meltdown because when they called I said, "I don't understand your gift." And they got kind of offended.

I then said I was going to send it back to them. I actually packed it up. Then I thought, "What am I doing?" I realized I was angry at the person for way more than the gift.

So I unpacked the gift and tried to calm down.

It is just that I am not in the best place and probably not thinking clearly.

I don't think I have ever given back any gift...and in my life I have been given some bizarre gifts. So I knew I just had to calm down.

I just felt neglected and devalued by this person. And they are a close family member.

I couldn't be pleased because the gift was kind of crappy. Oh well, maybe they just didn't have time to shop.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to return a gift to someone. the only acception is if I get something that doesn't fit (I'll take it back to the shop for my size) or ocasions video games I've got for consoles I don't have (I'll swap it for a game I can use)

but I would never take it back to the person who gave it to me- even if I have had things over the years I don't care for (my aunty buying me the same cd every year, for example)

i've been known to tear up christmas cards too

only from people I don't care for

[DechanDawa]

I know. I have gotten some bad gifts. Sometimes I just put them right into the "donation" bin.

But this time it was from a close family member. I don't know. I wasn't feeling generous. I felt hurt.

It's not the same as a crazy gift from a distant relative.

And this wasn't something that could be exchanged. It was just not an appropriate gift.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I'm not sure I could bring myself to return a gift to someone. the only acception is if I get something that doesn't fit (I'll take it back to the shop for my size) or ocasions video games I've got for consoles I don't have (I'll swap it for a game I can use)

but I would never take it back to the person who gave it to me- even if I have had things over the years I don't care for (my aunty buying me the same cd every year, for example)

i've been known to tear up christmas cards too

only from people I don't care for

I tear up Christmas cards.

[DechanDawa]

I feel sad I don't get Christmas cards anymore. I got two sort of braggy photo Christmas cards but tore them up. A lot of people who used to send me beautiful cards no longer have me on their list, I guess.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I feel sad I don't get Christmas cards anymore. I got two sort of braggy photo Christmas cards but tore them up. A lot of people who used to send me beautiful cards no longer have me on their list, I guess.

do you ever keep your christmas cards from previous years?

sometimes I do- if they are really cool.

I remember one year getting a mrs browns boys christmas card and I still have it because it's just awesome

[Travelinglady]

I think giving back a gift is rude. I've been offended when my mother-in-law did it to me. We can always give it to charity.

I don't keep Christmas cards. But I might cut some up this year to use for gift tags next Christmas.

I would vocalize why it upset me. People can be thoughtless and they dont know if you dont tell them. Then I would donate it or chuck it depending on what it was. It will always be associated with negativity, so why keep it?

Of course maybe if you explain how you took it, they will explain how they meant it and it will be a different situation.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

do you ever keep your christmas cards from previous years?

sometimes I do- if they are really cool.

I remember one year getting a mrs browns boys christmas card and I still have it because it's just awesome

Yes, I save cards in a box and I think I used to save Christmas cards in with my decorations. Maybe they are still there. I don't take my decorations out anymore.

I have a best friend who sends me beautiful cards and I keep them all. I even keep the envelopes because she loads them up with stickers I love.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by CallOfTheVoid

I would vocalize why it upset me. People can be thoughtless and they dont know if you dont tell them. Then I would donate it or chuck it depending on what it was. It will always be associated with negativity, so why keep it?

Of course maybe if you explain how you took it, they will explain how they meant it and it will be a different situation.

Yes, we had a conversation. The other person got very upset and offended and we ended up having a big argument. Of course I wish I had said nothing. It wasn't worth it saying anything. And it is strange because in the past I wouldn't have said anything...and would have just donated the gift. But I was hurt by the meaning. The person clearly did not put much thought into the gift and when I opened it I even thought perhaps it was sent to me by mistake.

I put a lot of time and effort and money into their gifts and wrapped them beautifully and packaged them nicely. Next year I think I will just send them a card and a gift certificate.

[healingme4me]

I cannot recall a time when I've ever considered a gift so distasteful that I wanted to hand it right back to the person who gave it to me. I've had some exchanges partly due to sizing or times when I've looked at something, wondering what the heck to do with it but it wasn't distasteful nor lacking thought or anything just not for me or my style. For instance I'm staring at a pressure cooker. I'm sure I'll find a way to incorporate it into my life? Or find space in limited cabinet space? But I'll send a note regardless :\

[DechanDawa]

This was from a very close relative. I just don't want to say who on this thread. It wasn't someone distant. So the thoughtlessness was more severe. As well...it was a meat product...when the person knows clearly I am vegetarian.

I have since given this some thought. I think when I spoke to the person they were on the defensive. I wish I had just mentioned the gift in a light, joking manner.

That being said...I need to rethink my own gift giving as this year I sent people some stupid gifts.

I think next year I will just send nice cards and gift certificates as I don't know how one can go wrong and it is all around more convenient.

Personally I now wish I hadn't mentioned anything to the person as it caused bad feelings.


Something must be up with that person's life that I don't know about.

[Mountaindewed]

No I never give back a gift. I often donate, sell, or regift to another person though.

[DechanDawa]

Yeah, well I already said I donate. But this was the case of someone close to me just being thoughtless so I guess it feels different.

One time I gave a guy a gift and found out he was cheating on me so I demanded he give me back the gift. He did, with apologies. I never saw or heard from him again.

I actually have never returned a gift to a sender, though. It doesn't feel right. It makes me out to be the bad guy.

People should give gifts thoughtfully or not at all. It's thoughtless to give a vegetarian bacon!

[healingme4me]

I probably would have reacted the same. That wasn't just thoughtless in my mind but callously given. I mean c'mon I'm sure it's no secret you being vegetarian to those that know you well.
Shall I give the satanic verses to my most devout christian family members and not expect to be called out on it?

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I probably would have reacted the same. That wasn't just thoughtless in my mind but callously given. I mean c'mon I'm sure it's no secret you being vegetarian to those that know you well.
Shall I give the satanic verses to my most devout christian family members and not expect to be called out on it?

Yeah, well it was the bacon sauce stuff that really got to me because it is no secret I am a diehard vegetarian and very particular about my food...almost orthorexic...that is, concerned what I eat be very pure and fresh. That's why I thought they sent me the wrong gift.

Haha. Maybe they did!

This person has sent me food items as a gift four times in a row...for holidays...birthdays. I guess I wanted to put a stop to it. It's stuff like bags of stale "gourmet" popcorn and chocolate and stuff I would never ordinarily eat. I also got a years worth of monthly coffee from a coffee roasting club... right after I told them I had given up coffee. My frig is full of bags of coffee beans! Enough for an army of coffee drinkers, and I live alone!


I told them, send me socks, send me a journal...it doesn't have to be expensive...but something more personal than food!

To send me bacon really is like sending a religious person satanic verse. Haha. That made me laugh. I have to see the humor in this situation. Thanks.

[eskielover]

Oh this takes me way back to a birthday memory when I was in high school (back in the late 60's) I wanted a wrist watch....one that was something a teenager would wear. My parents had little money. I guess my dad had done something for someone & they paid him with a watch that didn't work. His hobby was repairing watches. Well he repaired it & got it working & gave it to me for my birthday. Now this watch looked like a grandmothers diamond watch....mind you the diamonds were chips you couldn't even see & the watch looked old & used & definitely NOT what a teenager was interested in getting for a gift. I thanked my parents & stuck it in the back of my drawer. I didn't want to hurt their feelings but I never could ever bring myself to wear that watch. Then never asked or said anything. This was their way of trying to nice things they couldn't afford but at the same time there were just things I wished they had NEVER given to me because then I looked ungrateful instead of them looking bad for not being able to afford a gift for my birthday. Maybe that was the negative of having a February birthday too soon after Christmas.

It wasn't the first or last time that happened. Disappointing for a kid & yes, it kinda hurt. I never used the things they gave me like that & it was never spoken about either. Very typical of my dysfunctional family.....not having money was actually the least of their issues. To this day I hate celebrating my birthday other than going out to a nice restaurant & enjoying company with friends.

[Travelinglady]

My adult son has stuffed things in a drawer in his old room at my house that I gave him for Christmas. I worked hard this year to give him things I really thought he would like. So far I haven't seen them around the house....

Maybe he will get the other things later when he can drive down to visit. It's a problem when they fly, with little room for carrying things.

I'm one of those people who try to give people what I think they will really like. But my mother-in-law even admitted one time that she just went to the closet and found something to wrap up--and even laughed about it. But I still didn't return anything to her. One year she gave me give a torn package of five covered coat hangers that smelled like moth balls.

I’ve never given a gift back but I think I might be considering it today based on a late thoughtless Christmas gift I just received today.

[WishfulThinker66]

I just was not raised that way. One accepts every gift with graciousness - and thanks the giver regardless.

I would also never think of returning/exchanging a gift for something else or money. I figure I better have that item on hand should the giver show up. Thay crappy coloured sweater from aunt Hilda? I might exchange it for a different size but never would I select a different colour. Just the way I was taught I suppose. Not like a gift? Tough luck for me then.

I have a problem with returns to begin with. But i work retail and see outright abuses and ridiculous uses of the process. People seem to have a me-me attitude and I observe a great deal of outright hostility because the article they were given wasn't 'right'. Never, never, never would it occur to me to do this.

Years ago, I got a real fur scarf from my aunt who lives across the country and clearly doesn't know me that well, I realized. She was going through a weird fur phase. I lied to her and just said "thank you." Inside I was like "Um this is weird and I would also never wear this."

The truth is that one time, when I was in my early 20s, and going through a VERY hard time emotionally (I went to the hospital shortly after), I did give back a present. It was a card with 20 dollars in it from my aunt and uncle. He had said some things to me that made me uncomfortable and hurt. He was like that on and off my whole adulthood. Anyway, it really really hurt them. I was not thinking that when I did it, and I felt awful. I ended up calling to apologize. So, giving back a present did not turn out well at all.

DechanDawa, I think you did the right thing by having that conversation with whoever gave you bacon. It sounds like, from what you say, they didn't want to hear what you had to say. Thats on them. I wouldn't send it back, as much as you may want to, because it makes you just as bad as them. I think it's also a hurtful move. I say donate it or chuck it!

[sarahsweets]

I lean towards no with the exception being if the gift is offensive as in the bacon/veggitarian case. Or someone gives you a racist, sexist,vulgar knick knack and its morally offensive, or whatever kind of offensive I personally would address it with the person so they do not keep pursuing those types of gifts. Honestly I have never had a case like this but if I did I would thank them for thinking of me, share my concerns that them "thinking of me" made them want to buy me the offensive gift and why it is not something I want. And to eliminate anymore gift guessing games and because I now knew they had these qualities, I would suggest that instead of exchanging gifts that we exchange a supper dish, or movie tickets or something that still allows you to address the idea of gift giving but eliminates any further gift giving mistakes. Plus its more personal and economical. I have never returned a gift other than for size or if they give me a gift receipt and encourage me to swap it out if its not my style. Even offensive people can still love their family and think demonstrating it with any sort of gift is meaningful. My main point would be to explain why something offends me. If I didnt like something and there was no avenue given to change it I would never tell that person.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I lean towards no with the exception being if the gift is offensive as in the bacon/veggitarian case. Or someone gives you a racist, sexist,vulgar knick knack and its morally offensive, or whatever kind of offensive I personally would address it with the person so they do not keep pursuing those types of gifts...

Despite being opposite of my first post you make a very good point here. Thx for showing me that such extreme cases exist. I guess that while I have received my share of ridiculous and disappointing presents, I have yet to receive anything that challenges my beliefs and cuts to the core. Yeah, I would find such a thing difficult. I guess if such a thing occured I would, likely reluctantly, return the item and talk to the giver about why I would be doing so.

[guilloche]

Oh wow. Giving bacon to a vegetarian seems... almost purposefully mean or passive-aggressive? I was a vegetarian for several decades, and I can't even imagine... I would have done the same thing, I wouldn't have even wanted it in my house!

Giving you a year's worth of coffee when you're not drinking coffee? What the heck? It just doesn't make sense and seems like a waste of money, and a big clue that they're not really paying attention.

And, I have returned a gift once. I felt bad about it... but I had mentioned to my sister that I was looking at pans/skillets to cook with (learning to cook). I ended up buying one that I was super excited about... and a couple days later, I got one (different one) from her in the mail, as a gift. It wasn't a birthday or Christmas gift, it was just, "I know you needed a skillet, and I have this one and really like it! Enjoy!" kind of thing...

The problem is - my kitchen is insanely small without a lot of storage space. I really didn't need a second skillet that was the same size as the one I bought. And, though I didn't mention it to her, I was trying to avoid non-stick coatings, which hers had.

It was such a sweet gesture, but I told her that I had literally just bought one a couple days earlier, and I didn't want to waste her money, so I was sending it back.

I felt terrible, but it also feels weird to have someone just randomly buy something for you that you mentioned in conversation.

I don't know. I think that, as I get older, I'm not as in to gifts. I mean - I think they're important for kids (who can't buy their own stuff!) but as an adult, I can (and will) go out and buy what I want and need. I don't generally need more stuff/clutter, and most people don't really know me well enough to pick out things that I'd actually like, but not have thought of. My sister and I have stopped exchanging gifts for Christmas (because we found we were often just trading gift cards) - but we still do birthdays. And, for the most part, in my family we ask each other what we want for gifts... for example, my mom got a pressure cooker this year for Christmas from my sister and me, because she told us that's what she wanted.

It's not really a surprise that way, but at least everyone gets stuff they actually want and can use, I guess?

[LiteraryLark]

((Dech)) I would agree with other members that it is normally rude to give back a gift, I particularly like WishfulThinker's comments how it's just improper etiquette in a world full of me-me-me, but if you are openly a vegetarian and a purist, your immediate family should respect your beliefs. There's another token to that too, the family who routinely sends you food may have it in their head that this is a good gift for anybody. I have the strangest feeling food is the type of gift you give when you simply don't know enough about the person to give a more personal gift...but that's not always true, either. My best friend always gives me and her other best friend really nice chocolate for birthdays and Christmas...she says she has a hard time choosing a gift she thinks we'd like, so she opts for chocolate because "you can never go wrong with chocolate". I think your family may not know what else to get you, and assume "if we buy her food she'll eat it and it won't go to waste". It can also be a routine, too. There's always that one relative who gets you the same thing every year whether or not you really like it. Like in A Christmas Story..."Aunt Clara had for years not only perpetually labored under the delusion that I was 4 years old, but also a girl."