[WishfulThinker66]

I don't think I can go to my support group again. Honestly? I think the individual should be asked not to participate. His kind shouldn't be welcome.

Have you ever been so strongly triggered by someone or something that you have been forced to no longer go? No matter how important the occasion or event is to you?

Last night at my Mood Disorders support group a man I did not recognise from other meetings walked in. He sat just in front of me and to the side - where I had full view of his sleeveless arms. He was covered in tattoos. This normally doesn't bother me; however, it was the subject matter that left me appalled, sick to my stomach, and extremely upset.

These were Aryan Race tattoos. Obviously, the man is a white supremacist.

I was disgusted and triggered in that I suddenly felt very vulnerable and unsafe. I honestly think he should have been asked to leave. Disgusting. We have visible minorities who attend - they, indeed anyone, should not be subjected to that. No excuses.

[unaluna]

I stopped attending my dbt group because a new woman joined who shared her story of a gaslighting husband. He wasnt overtly abusive, like hitting her or anything, but her story filled me with such dread.
I think now it was the dread of my own situation.

[lizardlady]

Back when I was in an abusive marriage a Male member of the mood disorders support group i was attending stood in front of my chair, leaning over me, yelling at me. I was so triggered I ended up curled in a fetal position in my truck in the parking lot fighting dissociation. I never went back.

[WishfulThinker66]

I spoke with the nurse who moderates the meetings. He said he had actually asked the guy about his tattoos and the guy said he was German. No excuse, they were clearly racist, Nazi, and glorifications of the white race. The nurse offered to ask him to cover his tattoos. This is not gonna help. It doesn't negate the fact he is a hate monger. I pointed out group was supposed to be an inclusive and safe space. His presence goes completely against this. The fact he shows them off in sleeveless attire signals he is proud of his racist sentiments and wishes to rub everyone's faces in them.

[happysobercrafter]

I stopped going to AA meetings years ago for the reasons posted here. I didn't feel safe. Looking back, I now see some behavior was predatory.

[lizardlady]

Wishfulthinker, could it be the guy with the tats is trying to change?

[sarahsweets]

I hate mental health support groups and find them triggering. I go to AA and sometimes those are triggering too.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Wishfulthinker, could it be the guy with the tats is trying to change?

Lizardlady, if he was wanting to change he would have them covered up. Nope, he was brandishing these for all to see quite proudly. I appreciate trying to find something positive in the situation though.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Lizardlady, if he was wanting to change he would have them covered up. Nope, he was brandishing these for all to see quite proudly. I appreciate trying to find something positive in the situation though.

Yeah, I realized after posting that if he was trying to change he'd cover his tats.

[guilloche]

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this, WishfulThinker. I'd be scared if someone like that showed up to a group that I was attending, and would probably avoid it too.

[mugwort2]

Sorry you went through such a rough experience. I'd feel uneasy too. My experience doesn't exactly relate. I do think its close enough. I remember gong to a voluntary day program. Some man said something to me that really hurt my feelings. Its personal what he said. I'll just report it was a really cruel remark of something about me I couldn't help. It was to do with my looks. I never went back.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by mugwort2

Sorry you went through such a rough experience. I'd feel uneasy too. My experience doesn't exactly relate. I do think its close enough. I remember gong to a voluntary day program. Some man said something to me that really hurt my feelings. Its personal what he said. I'll just report it was a really cruel remark of something about me I couldn't help. It was to do with my looks. I never went back.

Oh gosh, this is terrible. I am so sorry this was directed at you. How awfully hurtful. I hope you got the matter reported and was promptly resolved.

[WishfulThinker66]

So it is now several days later and I am still upset.

I am angry too because this has affected me deeply. Also, this individual has essentially ripped from me something that was a helpful part of my weekly routine which I both needed and looked forward to. Drats, arrrrgh, how dare he!

So. come Monday, I will have to find a way to contact the nurse who oversees the out-patient services and explain to her why I feel uncomfortable going now. I feel I owe her an explanation. Besides, I don't want her thinking my absence could mean something has happened to me.

Some have suggested that everyone is welcome. Nope. I completely disagree. Hate should never be acceptable and a stand must be taken to do the right thing. Bar this piece of excrement and set the example. If he complains he only has he himself to blame.

[unaluna]

So what if nobody shows up but him?

Or what if he doesnt show up?

[happysobercrafter]

Why was he there in the first place? Is he court ordered to go? Doesn't the person who oversees the group have an obligation to make sure everyone there feels safe? Threat of violence trumps the procedure; that threat should be removed, I think.

[Mountaindewed]

I quit going to group for a lot of reasons one of the reasons being the other clients. I remember one time I was talking about my SH and one guy said “I’ll hurt you for you. Just kidding.” And I told my therapist who worked in the same practice and she said “oh, he was probably just joking.” And didn’t do anything about it. I’m glad I got rid of Medicaid and ditched that place altogether and went somewhere that only takes good insurance.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Why was he there in the first place? Is he court ordered to go? Doesn't the person who oversees the group have an obligation to make sure everyone there feels safe? Threat of violence trumps the procedure; that threat should be removed, I think.

I don't think the majority of others in attendance even realised what was on his arms.

As I left I am unsure then what if anything was done. But I will assume nothing in order to avoid confrontation.

So that leaves me angry and disgusted. I will at least try to attend the next meeting; however, if this man should show up that is it for me.

Perhaps he might have been ordered to attend but as you have pointed out his attendance should not come at the cost of others.

There are a number of visible minorities that attend as well as other religions. Even if there weren't, no one should be subjected to being in the presence of that kind of hate. Asking him then to cover up doesn't fix the problem.

[MuseumGhost]

I believe it's up to everyone to determine how much friction, triggering, and upset you can handle. We're the only ones who can protect our psyche. And I would say, if it's that distracting and upsetting to you, perhaps make arrangements to come back when they offer it again.

And I do think ALL of your concerns are entirely justified.

[*Beth*]

That sounds ghastly. I mean, just...WOW. I have tattoos, but they are all flowers and pretty, bright colors. But what you've described, Wishful...I seriously cannot imagine how I would handle such a situation. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Honestly, I think it would be triggering for 99.9% of people. What did the facilitator do?

I facilitated a group for peers with bipolar disorder. I really enjoyed the job and I had a terrific group of people. Everybody was cool with each other, lots of genuine support. The group was meeting for 14 months.

One day a new guy came and the entire group dynamic changed. The man was loud and aggressive. A number of group members had issues with police officers because of having been mistreated by them. Well, the new guy was obsessed with cops. Initially, I felt like I worked him into the group pretty smoothly, but inside of myself I was triggered by the guy. I couldn't get away from it.

I had been there every single week, but all of a sudden I was coming up with reasons not to show up.

Eventually, I just couldn't facilitate anymore. That one guy had such a weird effect on the rest of us. It makes me sad, still bothers me.

[possum220]

Chances are if you felt uncomfortable then others felt it too. Hopefully he doesnt come again. Support groups are supposed to be supportive and safe. Can you get there early the next time you go and speak with the facilitators and voice your concerns to them? It would be a pity not to say something when you are enjoying the group. If all else fails leave during the group and say you are unwell. Nobody has to know specifics. I wish you well in seeing this through.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Why was he there in the first place? Is he court ordered to go? Doesn't the person who oversees the group have an obligation to make sure everyone there feels safe? Threat of violence trumps the procedure; that threat should be removed, I think.

100% yes.

How's it going with your group, WT?

Please keep going. The whole point is that it's supposed to be helping you. Maybe this guy won't be that interested in the process. Another thought is....maybe he's realizing he has some problems and is trying to change. Give it a coupla more shots. What do you think about that? You can always mention how the situation is going here...folks will be here to listen. (((hug for you)))

[Rose76]

I found this very thought provoking, and I've kinda gone back and forth on it. I think the moderator would be within rights to inform the guy that the tats have to be covered. Brandishing them seems antisocial and possibly a blatant intent to be offensive, as you point out. On that, I have to agree.

But you say that him covering up the tats wouldn't help because what you really object to is not just him signaling hateful sentiment. What really offends you is the execrable thoughts that likely have found a home in his brain. It offends you that someone who is presumably thinking these thoughts should be allowed in the group. Like - shouldn't this be a situation calling for ostracism? Doesn't ostracism have a proper social function, and wouldn't this be it? I find some merit in that, but I'm not quite with you.

It wasn't too long ago, in this country, that many, respectable members of some very mainstream religions had some pretty alarming ideas about each other - like "Everyone in that Church is going to Hell!" "No, you are!" "No you are!" Back and forth. I've heard stuff like that on TV in my own lifetime. And, even now, it's not hard to run into that on the Internet. My point is that, if we start ostracising people, based on what we figure they're probably thinking, where does it end? I have every right to not be friends with someone because I don't like how they think. But I wouldn't say I have a right to demand that a person be excluded from a public accommodation (e.g. your support group) because I don't like what goes on in their mind.

My conclusion is this: What goes on inside other people's heads is really their own business. There's a lot of crap going on in a lot of people's heads that society is never going to control. However, in a social setting, people are obligated to keep some stuff to themselves. If a person needs direction as to what that stuff is, someone like your group moderator has a right to give it to them.

Neanderthals sporting tattoos like you describe are often less harmful than their ideological counterparts who wear gabardine to work and sit on the board of directors at a bank that restricts residents of reclined districts from having access to financial instruments like checking accounts and reasonably priced credit. Individuals, like those board members, blend in beautifully wherever they go and will never, ever advertise the subversive agenda that they work to further.

I kind of get a kick out of persons who go around emblazoned with insignia that basically screams, "Yeah, I'm a jerk, and I don't care who knows it." (. . . unless said individual is also carrying an automatic rifle.)

[WishfulThinker66]

I have not been back. I resent this being taken away from me.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I have not been back. I resent this being taken away from me.

Please try again. You can do this. Maybe that guy isn't even there any more...and if he is, well maybe he's there for a reason. We all deserve a chance. These types don't usually line up for group support sessions after all. As I said maybe he's realizing some things need to change within himself. Give him and most importantly you...another chance. Is the fear so paralyzing that it completely prevents your attending?