These three....

I am not sure how to love someone unconditionally - a family member - who does not love, appreciate, or respect me. Someone who always put conditions on any love offered. A much older family member who did not pass any wisdom or life lessons/experience/practical skills onto me and expected me to learn through the ''school of hard knocks'' Was that ever love at all? I have my doubts Can anyone help me with this?

All this has definitely impacted on my mood and anxiety. For a long time I did not even have the words to describe it. I have not found a therapist irl who has helped me to express things with words, one or two said they wanted to listen but in fact they shut me down, labelled me and judged me. Thanks to fern (I hope its ok to say that here) who said she completely believes me about the situation with therapists ... etc... in this forest. IRL. I am not saying there are no good therapists but there is... corruption in the ''system''. They are not even honest. Or if they are ''honest'' it is with brutal, blaming ''honesty''.... I do not even think that is honesty

A few thoughts. This is just what helps me, so if it doesn't resonate, throw it out

I first try to remember that family members who interact with me in this ways are still a part of the whole of humanity I am a part of. What affects one of us affects us all. Despite their choices, I am responsible for what I choose to pour into the life system on this Earth. My choice is to love, even in the face of abuse because my choice affects me. I want the best for myself and a loving path adds more value for me at this time. A lot of the time previously negative people shift on their own when I drop my judgment and follow my own heart. Those that do not serve as motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.

The second thing I remember is I can love someone without loving on them. Love does not require affection. I can completely dislike and disagree with the actions of someone and still love them. I can treat them neutrally and still love them.

The third thing that helps me is to try to imagine them as a child. In their childhood things happened to shape their actions. What must their life have been like to create such inconsiderate and painful conditions in adulthood? I imagine the parent in me loving the child in them the right way. I imagine offering them the kind of latitude I do with my own children who do mean and inconsiderate things when they are learning and don't know any better. Remembering their child within and holding compassion for them helps me to respond in a way that is more resonant with what I wish to create.

Was what they offered love? Well that's tricky. But... As you can see from this thread, even those who operate in mostly loving ways have questions about love. We are learning and we do the best we can with what we know. It is quite possible this individual believed their actions to be a great labor of love. Love through denial is a choice people often make. There are times when it makes sense and when it doesn't. All we can do is express our discontent with it as best we can and ask for what we feel would serve us better. If we are repeatedly denied, walking away can be an act of love.

We often do not know any of this when we are children. Sometimes our own parents invert love to such an extent we cannot even recognize it in its more pure forms. I think the goal is to open our hearts as best we can. I think we need to open our minds and open our spirits and trust we will be able to know love when we feel it. As adults we can know better and choose.

I was pondering the corruption in the system. You might live in upside down town, but either way you know which way is up. You have a good heart. Every lie is a half truth. So... Every lie they told also pointed you to the truth. Take the gems you can and toss the rest. The reasons why they do this are multifaceted and for them to figure out maybe. I think you'll know the right fit when you find it. Trust the compass of your heart. It is in working order.

Thanks fern for the thoughtful response

Actions speak louder than words.

Good post dear Thirty shades, I agree...

(((((( Fuzzybear ))))))

Fuzzy, I understand when someone older and (who should be wiser) does not feel the need to nurture, or protect, or show kindness and affection. There have unfortunately been a number of those people in my immediate family who behaved this way, even people I loved very much. I got used to the idea of unrequited love, long before I ever entered the world of boys and dating and relationships. It never should have been like that for you, for me, or for anyone. But life is complex, and can be difficult.

It is one of the factors that made me very independent. And fortunately, I had others to whom I could occasionally turn for the love and affection I craved. I still wonder to this day, though, how different my life could have been if I (and my brother, it turns out) had been granted the kind of love and acceptance we all deserve as children, and as young adults.

I try to maintain an attitude of love, but perhaps not at close range, and definitely not in the face of anything constituting abuse. It keeps me calm remembering to "love the sinner, but not the sin", if that helps.

I do also recommend always trying to see things from another's point of view. That can definitely help mend a lot of fences. Understanding leads to compassion and an awful lot of forgiveness, all on its own.

The therapist situation---I don't know how to advise anybody, there. Yes, the system is not perfect, and we are dealing with human beings there, which are complex and sometimes frustrating creatures. The only thing I've ever heard that's made any sense, is, Don't stop trying. When you feel strong enough to look elsewhere, go for it. Even online counseling is better than none.

Massive huggs and genuine compassion headed your way!