Countdown to Christmas

Friends,

Thirteen days to Christmas.

With so many harrowing headlines, it is challenging to find some quiet time to reflect.

Emotionally for people who are hurting through life circumstances, or loss of family or friends, Christmas can turn up the volume on our loneliness.

Anyway I thought I would start a thread, where we could talk about our feelings, and where we are on our journey to Christmas this year.

EJ

I like Christmas

I'm relieved I've finished 99% of the shopping I have to do and I wrote my aunt yesterday to tell her I wouldn't get her quilt done and mailed before the new year so I don't really have anything weighing on me; the Christmas presents cost a bit less than I was expecting thanks to the buying I started in September. I wanted to even out the purchasing over 4 months but then had really high bills from then on so my DH was complaining :-( and that made me anxious. But now all that is over and December's, January's, etc. credit card bills should be okay (but he wasn't able to pay off this month's). So I'm very much looking forward to next year financially.

Thanksgiving we were at home for the first time in our marriage but we had a friend come over and it was festive enough and I didn't feel bad at all. Christmas I go to my stepsister's, like I do each year, the only time I see her and her children/that part of my family/past. That's a bitter-sweet day, so odd as my nieces and nephews are all in their 40's with children in college, etc. My brother-in-law died 8-10 years ago and my stepsister remarried one of her college friends I remember from when I was 5 or 6 (she's 13 years older than I am) and that's very odd for me; I have to do time travel as I still "feel" him as if I were six? That my stepsister turned 71 yesterday is odd to me too as I "remember" her as being in college. I remember at her wedding to current husband, she had her sorority sisters there and I couldn't understand why she was hanging around with such old ladies, LOL. I met them too when I was 6 but don't remember them. It's very confusing to me to "time travel" in that way and makes me anxious.

this is the first christmas I will spend alone. my hubby has to work so here I will be. just another day really for me. we may do something the day after.

I have very little shopping left to do, mostly gift cards and those are sorta easy, first I must find the money. With five kids I really feel like I have accomplished something by having their christmas all bought. However I still don't have my tree up yet, I am going to try to do that tomorrow.
Christmas is a hard time for me, it really brings a lot of issues for me so I will probably be pretty well spaced out all Christmas day.

As I was sitting here thinking about what to write, I suddenly realize that I avoid the holidays like I avoid so much in my life. My thoughts are that I just want it to be over.

I usually say I'm not going to decorate or participate at work.

I have had my tree up for a week.

And I bought some decorations for my folks at work after one grumbled that our department is boring because we don't decorate. I bought mini trees and mini ornaments and some Christmasy sticky notes and put them in a stocking for each one. I also bought a few things to hang up in the department.

I have to ship most of my gifts, so this weekend I will be done with most of my shopping so I can mail it in plenty of time. I really love wrapping gifts so I'm looking foward to that, once I buy some wrapping paper. And since I like to give books as gifts, this season gives me more opportunities to visit my bookstore and enjoy a heavenly cinnamon latte in the cafe

Today I bought the cat his gift. I went with a co-worker to deliver a donation to the SPCA (at work, in lieu of a gift from the company, we ask that the money be donated to the SPCA. many of us have adopted pets from there and it's just across the road) and I saw this cat tunnel with crinkly stuff inside... only this is shaped like a big fish, like a wide mouthed bass. It's mouth is open and stands up and the cat can go through and come out the tail which lays flat on the floor. My cat loves to sit under things--the newspaper, my top sheet when I'm making the bed--so I think he will love this. Also, I want to get a picture of him sitting in the open mouth of this fish... instead of a cat with a fish in its mouth.. a fish with a cat in its mouth!!!

But the Christmas I want will never be. I don't want to be alone. Oh, I have a couple of relatives to spend the day with but I still feel alone and if it's going to be like that, I'd really rather just stay home.

Avoiding though, is so much a part of all that. I avoid those relatives, I avoid letting them "in". As a result, I want to avoid the holiday altogether. As a result I feel more lonely afterwards, I suspect.

Like Perna, I have some post holiday financial goals that I look forward to working on and meeting.

I am mostly skipping the cookie baking this year. Because if I bake them.. I eat them!! So I will cook more because I like to cook, but I will make some soups from a new cookbook.