[Tinaleigh]

Today is the worst day of the year for me. My father may have died eight years ago but I am only just beginning to mourn. While I am glad I am healthier than I once was, it is way too hard to deal with this. The year he died he died the day before Father's Day. Last year the date of his death fell on Father's Day. Last year I didn't get out of bed all day. Not to eat, not to smoke, not even to go to the bathroom. I'm actually proud of myself this year for not doing the same. I just need some support. I keep having these flashbacks of my dad's suffering. The seizures, weight loss, and at the very end delerium. I keep feeling the anger I felt when I thought the ambulance didn't come fast enough, when the ICU room was so full of people that 'cared' for my dad, that I didn't get time to say good-bye. I feel the anger I felt towards my mom for her breakdown, the pressure she put on me to take care of the family, which pushed me into my first manic episode. How would my life be different? Would I have bipolar disorder or BPD? Would he have been able to take care of me when I got sick instead of throwing me into a residential psychiatyric facility like my mom did? I miss him so much its unbearable. I want to give into my old urges and drink til I can't think or even speak, I want to SI. I want to take all my meds and sleep and sleep and sleep.

Tinaleigh,

I can relate to this on soooo many levels. Today is a toughie for me as well and I'm not really sure I can be of any support to you except to let you know I hear you and understand.

Eight years, eight months, eight days, it doesn't matter. Grief is grief and feeling a loss/es and the searing pain that accompanies it, just plain sucks. Keep posting if it helps you work through it.

[FeelingHopeful]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

Tinaleigh,

I can relate to this on soooo many levels. Today is a toughie for me as well and I'm not really sure I can be of any support to you except to let you know I hear you and understand.

Eight years, eight months, eight days, it doesn't matter. Grief is grief and feeling a loss/es and the searing pain that accompanies it, just plain sucks. Keep posting if it helps you work through it.

I can relate!! I hate this day so much, I lost my dad 12 yrs ago, it feels like yesterday,i cried on and off all day today,just feeling like theres such a big hole in my life without him here. I think this is the hardest day , next to his birthday. I think I wiull prob feel like this forever on this dat. Thank God its almost over!

[I_WMD]

Tinaleigh ,, may I offer first a deep felt care , and acknowledgment of the day ,, and as now , and probably ,, each Fathers Day ,, your memory will again be stirred ,,, and the hurt that will be ,,,

But may I also ,, Make an observation ?,,,

You wish to or want to ,,,, * return to your old ways *,,,????,,,
Tina , You Have NOW ! Made it through 8 of these Days .
Be Proud ,, for would you ever imagine your Father not being Proud of You ,,, For Doing all You could ,,, even at the expense you tolled .

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Warm Hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
WMD.