[sierraOhara]

when i was 17 my mom passed. its been almost three years and i'm no closer to dealing with it now then i was then, mostly because i put it in the back of my mind to take care of my dad and the younger kids in the house. dad went off the deep end for awhile and the kids were absolute basket cases, and there i was the picture of strength and calm. i thought id deal with it when everybody else was better. some time later i realized i built this wall around the feelings about it and nothing was dealt with, but certain things trigger like a break in the wall and all these feelings come rushing in and it makes me wonder, is that all dealing is? just blocking it off like it never happened? i'm not sure anymore how to actually come to terms with it and i dont know if anyone here has a perspective on what exactly dealing is. then to make things worse, i was dating a guy for a couple years who was very abusive mentally and physically, i met him when my mom died. i finally mustered the strength to leave. the next day he called me right before taking his own life. thats just a whole new mix of greif and guilt and brought all the rest with my mom up to surface again. if anyone here has perspective on either situation i'd be so happy to hear how you feel, because im not sure exactly how i feel

[Pomegranate]

All I have to offer are hugs and to let you know I care. You have been through a lot. You might want to give therapy a try, I found it helpful.

[jerrymichele]

Welcome to pc.

I'm very sorry about what you are living threw. My mother passed when I was 15. I am now 35, so it has been some years, but I do remember some things. Let me just say that your bf was not your fault, but you need to believe it wasn't your fault. The same with your mom. If you haven't been into therapy with this it's really important that you go. Here's the reason why, use me for for an example. When my mom passed it took me 10 years to get rid of the guilt. When I was 15 I was rebelling, not saying that you did but I did. Well one time my mom and me had an arguement, and she told me that I never loved her. I did love her, but I just couldn't deal with everything going around me. My mom wasn't married, and she had my sister and me, and her side of the family. What happened was, my mom's sickness became our responsiblity.(sister and me) My sister, and my mom's side of the family put into my head that I always was just bad about the entire situation. That guilt put me into situations where I felt like I deserved to be treated like crap. I really believed that anyone I knew at the time could just walk all over me, and they did. All of this really tore me up inside. Really you don't want to live with sadness for that long. Your feelings that are comming up needs to be dealth with. It's just not good to push things in the back of your mind. When the rest of the family is grieving they are not looking at others around them. This is probably why your family isn't seeing what's going on. So, it's really a good idea to get help with this. Your feelings will keep comming up until you heal from it.