[amyz]

Hey y'all...I just found this forum. My grandma passed away almost four months ago. She lived in Ohio and I'm in South Carolina. Thankfully I was able to attend her funeral and get some closure but I don't think the reality has set in yet. I'm usually not one who cries easily, I wish I were. For years, I repressed my feelings and now they are starting to come to the surface. Also not one who cries in front of people but I'm really trying to get over that b/c you can't be comforted by anyone when you cry alone. I feel this heaviness in my heart and feel like I need to cry and just have a meltdown but it won't come out. Watching sad movies don't do it for me either. Anyone else have this issue where you want/need to cry but it won't come out? I did learn that if you are trying to force the tears/feelings or are obsessing about it, then it won't happen.

[billieJ]

Dear Amyz ~ I know what it is not to be able to cry. In my case, I believe it is antidepressants that numb my feelings, but it can be learned as well. I was not able to cry at or after the death of my dear mother, in 2002. I felt terrible however, with conflicted feelings of missing her and knowing that her suffering had ended. A few months later, however, a cousin sent me a book called Silver Boxes, which was about giving the gifts of validation and support to others. He wrote in it that he thought of my mother when he saw the book, because she was always so supportive of others. That did it for me. I cried continuously for a couple of days. I cried alone, but still it brought closure to me and was a vast relief. Sometimes hearing a song that my mother particularly liked would subsequently bring tears. Something will trigger needed tears when you are ready, and you are right, trying to do it will not help. I had a therapist for awhile, years after mother's death, and for some reason, guilt I think over not being close enough to care for my father, I broke into tears in her office, finally lying down on the rug between us and sobbing with abandon. She did not hug me, but she uttered comforting words as I spent the session sobbing. It helped. It is not certain what little thing may trigger your tears, but it will happen. Whether alone or otherwise, you will find relief. I am truly sorry about your grandmother. I am of the belief that the energy that makes up our inner beings never dies and that the personality remains intact. I hope that you have similar beliefs, and they are comforting. Know that you are cared about here ~ billieJ

[redredblueblue22]

i,m very sorry for your loss the feeling of not being able to cry is very hard my grandma pased away on december 4 2008 i did not cry right away ether .it was hard but some times the body just might not understand what is going on. this may not be much help but if ever you need to talk just send me a pm hope you feel better soon

[amyz]

Wasn't a meltdown certainly but a few tears did escape tonight. I'll take what I can get.

There is a funeral at my church on Wednesday AM. I'm in the choir and we're usually asked to sing at funerals to help lead hymns. I've not sung for a funeral since before my grandma's death. Not sure how I'll do with this. While it's appropriate to cry at a funeral, a meltdown might be a bit extreme coming from the choir loft.