[embracinglife]

In the past two years I have lost two members of my family to suicide. It is crazy, because I have always thought of my family as pretty healthy and functioning all right, so I never thought that something like this would happen to us. I feel like it concerns me the most because I also have struggled with depression, and sometimes I have said I want to kill myself to my mom too...even though in the long run, I know that I don't. I am trying to make a pact with myself that I will not commit suicide. So I am wondering how I can make this kind of promise, because I never want this to happen in my family again.

I think of these family members and wonder what was going through their mind when it happened, I know they had to be pretty low to do these things. And maybe it was when they weren't even thinking very rationally...so how can I make a pact with myself that no matter what, I will NEVER ever commit suicide, because I know that it is not worth it and that there is always a way to heal and get help, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

I don't know much about grieving, but I know for a while I didn't even want to think about these things and that they actually happened. Maybe now I am moving into more of a stage of acceptance, but I still don't think I have fully accepted that they happened. Maybe my feelings keep changing from time to time. Sometimes I still feel angry at my grandma for doing that. I know she was depressed, but she could have reached out more than she did. We didn't really know what she was going through, and she just killed herself the Friday before Thanksgiving, when my grandpa went out to get her medicine. Why did she do that!? I want to know. It seemed so out of character for her.