[Jeanie]

She was 105 and as bright and alert as if she was in her 70's! I got to see her a week or so before her death, which came suddenly while she was about to go hear some music. She died happy, and was thrilled to see us that day we all descended upon her.

She was a pioneer in her community- trained in Holland as a midwife, here in 1920 to be an orchardist with my grandfather, interested in philosophy and alternative health, and a HUGE role model to so many people besides her family. The funeral will be enormous.

I'm mixed about going, though. I'm so fragile right now and worried about people looking at me (if I'm not on the stage I can hardly stand people looking at me) I know that sounds so self-centred but that's a big trigger and I can't help it........

I want to honour Granny and hope I can manage my emotions somehow

[CedarS]

105! Very cool to read of your grandmother's life, thank you.

Are you able to decide that morning if you are up to going to service or not? Or if you do decide to go, is there any way you can buffer the experience, protect yourself somehow so you don't experience being so exposed? Would dark glasses help, shades, and maybe someone who cares for you to lean on?

[Jeanie]

thanks Sarah
I have to go the day before so will be committed, but yes, wearing glasses may help and I do have support- I'm not used to asking for it and am having to learn that it's ok to be vulnerable and stuff like that. I will probably have to take advantage of my Ativan, lol, but I'll get through it. Anxiety and nervous self-conciousness have always been a problem but now it seems that my perceptions are quite skewed. I'm leaning on my husband to talk me down, as it were.

thanks again
J

jeanie, you have my support for today and tomorrow.......i'm sending oodles of it, through the computer thingamajigs....xoxo pat

[eskielover]

jeanie,

I hope the funeral service went ok for you. How wonderful that she lived to be 105 & was young until the end. How proud you must be of your granny. What an awsome life she lived. It is good to have someone to lean on during this time. I am sure all that attended the funeral were focusing on the funeral & not on you which might have helped you put that aspect into perspective. I know that sunglasses help hide things like red eyes & tears, but they are expected at funerals & nothing to be ashamed of.

I am thinking about you & how you are doing,
Debbie