Funeral Planning, OCD, and What's Up With Me

Sorry I haven't been around in a while. There's just not enough time for me to do everything I want to. I've realized I need to give up the contests I've been entering, among other things, even though they save me a little money here and there when I win.

I need to talk about some things, so I'm here to do that, and to let everyone know I'm still around and what's up. I do intend to get back here more regularly when I get some things sorted out.

My mom wants me to go with her to plan funeral arrangements. We finally arranged a day, tomorrow. I'd have liked more than one day's notice. This is a big OCD problem for me, because the place is "dirty" to me and I'll have to go through a lot of washing and rituals, plus just having to be dirty for a while is stressful. Of course, planning one's own funeral isn't easy, either. The thing is, I don't want to be buried here. I want to move to California, and when I die, be buried there. My mom makes me feel guilty.

We're planning my mom's and my funerals, I should say. She's upset, thinking about it, and I understand that. It upsets me, because there's nothing I can do to make her feel better, really. She is going to die sometime. So am I, and I've gotten panicky thinking about it over the years.

My boyfriend will be going with us--he's my transportation--and he's offered to go with my mom so I don't have to go through the washing and OCD stuff, but I know my mom doesn't want to do this without me. My boyfriend doesn't understand certain familial connections and the way guilt controls some of us, because he doesn't have so much of that in his family. He doesn't think it's a big deal to not do anything for Mother's Day or Father's Day. Anyway, I wish I could let him go without me.

I've realized I'm a bad person, and I'm trying to accept it. I don't mean everything I do is bad, and I never consider other people, but sometimes I have to do things to protect myself, and keep me from feeling "trapped," which not everyone understands, and thinks I'm a bad person or a bad daughter or whatever. I have to do things for me, sometimes. And others don't think I do enough to fight my OCD, but I'm doing what I can. I'm not going to try to cure or fix myself as others want me to, and I don't care what they think anymore. I just need to be left alone. Most people don't understand OCD and expect me to just do stuff I can't. They don't understand the mental, emotional and physical stress and distress it causes me. My boyfriend's brother thinks my boyfriend should just tell me to knock it off and tell me how things are going to be. Thankfully, my boyfriend understands OCD better than his brother.

I'm all stressed out, just thinking of what I have to go through tomorrow. I just went through some stuff yesterday, after house cleaning, and I like to have several days' "rest" after such events.

Sometimes I want to just separate from people, live alone, and not be a burden to anyone. I really hate the pressure, the responsibility, the guilt, and being a burden.

I just needed to vent for a bit. It doesn't change what I have to go through tomorrow, but I feel better getting it out.

Hi Maven!

Good to see you posting, and its good that you came here and got that all out. I know that for me, when I'm dreading something that's coming up in the next day or so, I tend to start projecting and getting all these expectations about what it's going to be like for me, how bad it's going to be for me, how it's going to make me feel, what I'd rather be doing, etc etc etc. Notice the key words in that sentance being "me" and "I". In the recent past, I've learned to look at a situation from the standpoint of, who can I benefit? The situation you're describing sounds not at all pleasent. And honestly, it's not at all pleasent. I don't envy your position. I had to plan my mother's funeral with her and my dad a few years back when she found out she was dying. It was not at all pleasent. But it helped her sooo much to know that her arrangements were being taken care of in the way she wanted. It helped her sooo much to have me and my dad there with her to help her through it. So, tomorrow when you wake up, before you embark on this task, think about your mom and how can you be of help to her? Remember that it's important to you that you are sharing this with her, know that it will bring her joy and relief to know that she has taken care of something that, down the road, will ease a burden on you. If you turn the situation into being all about her and less about you, it might be more tolerable. I'm not familiar with OCD, so I'm not goin to say anything about that. I am however, familiar with needing to be selfish in a lot of ways to take care of oneself. I don't consider you a bad person for needing to take time for you, and needing to take care of yourself. I consider that just being a strong woman. Sounds like you got a great boyfriend, and so what about what his brother says??? Anyway, good luck tomorrow. Keep in mind that it is only a day and it won't last forever, and you'll be making your mom very happy. =) Let us know how it goes.

~Rayna

Yap what Rayna said ...

Maybe if you look after yourself first and foremost for a bit the OCD stuff will lessen a bit by itself even? As you won't feel under so much pressure from other people.

good luck

WB Maven. I'm very stressed myself right now, and couldn't read all your post... but wanted to share that you can go ahead and buy/pay for your "local" arrangements, and if it's with a licensed funeral business, you can transfer it to one in CA later probably. People move all the time... I've moved my arrangements twice already (even though in the same State.)

Good wishes.

Yeah, I plan to making it clear to them I will hopefully be changing in the future. Thing is, I don't want to be buried where my mom wants me to be. I want more time to think about it. My mom's upset thinking about doing this, facing her immortality.

I don't want to be tied here. I don't want to be buried in a religious place. I don't want to go through all I have to with my OCD. My stomach hurts and is all nervous.

Maven,

I know that making those arrangements are very difficult. My Father didn't have any of his arrangements set when he died & my Mother & I had to do it all. It was an unexpected death that came very suddenly, so making those arrangements on top of the shock we were in, made it very difficult. The pastor at my Mothers church helped us through it (I am an only child). At that same time, my Mother made the same arrangements for herself to make sure she would be burried next to my father & through the same mortuary.

She ended up dying of cancer last year & I because of the situation I was in, it was a good thing that she had made the arrangements. Because of her desire to be in her home, a situation arose where the home care RN pulled ID Theft with my Mothers ID & I caught her doing all kinds of financial abuse within the 5 days she was there before she OD'ed my mother on morphine. Going through that & catching the RN along with the threats & having the police called to accuse me of abusing my Mother, it ended up being a trauma that really messed me up mentally & I landed in the medical hospital being treated for anorexia from the stress at the time when my Mother died. I even had to go AMA from the hospital in order to go to the funeral, & I don't remember much about what I actually went through but the PTSD still haunts me.

I was actually very relieved that she had everything arranged as to the places & everything was paid for. The only thing I had to do was determine how the funeral itself would be. Because of the relationship between her boyfriend being the across the street neighbor from the RN (he & his daughter recommended the RN) & the fact that her boyfriend was from my mothers church, I made sure that the church had nothing to do with the funeral, but let them do whatever they wanted for a memorial service the week before the funeral. I kept the funeral to only close friends & family that I felt safe being around in order to protect myself from the RN.

I know that making those arrangements for your Mother let alone having her expect you to make the same arrangements for yourself is stressful. As long as your arrangements can be transferred to where you will need them in your future, it will probably save some pressure from your mother & make her feel better at this time. I am sure she is stressed doing it all alone without you & that is probably why she is wanting you to be included in the arrangements (even if they aren't what you really want for yourself).

I also am not real familiar with OCD, but it sounds like your boyfriend is very understanding & supportive. I am glad you have him to lean on & glad he is going along to support you in this tough situation.

Take care of yourself the best you can...I know that anticipation of days like this are tough to get through......but it will be over soon.

Debbie

My boyfriend is understanding and supportive sometimes, and sometimes he isn't. But the deed is done. At one point, my mom said to me I might have to come back Monday, and my stomach dropped inside. I can make my arrangements over the phone, the funeral guy said, thank goodness. I can't do that again. My mom doesn't get how hard it is on my OCD.

I'm not upset too much dealing with the funeral arrangements themselves--that's not to say it's pleasant--but it's my OCD that's hard to deal with. Feeling dirty and having to go through all my washing rituals when I come home. It's tiring physically and mentally.