[Frostbitten_Kiss]

Hello. My name is Shannon, and I am 20 years old. My grandmother, whom I was close with is currently in the hospital with 3 brain tumors. A little about my history with death:

1. My mother died from diabetes when I was 16 (she was 33). My parents have been divorced since I was 2, and I moved in with my dad at age 11. My mother was abusive towards me (physical abuse and neglect) so her death brought me mixed feelings.

2. My grandmother on my mother's side died when I was 17. My mother's side of the family blamed me for both my mother and grandmother's death, stating that "if I had stayed with my mother, she would be alive and so would my grandma". I haven't spoke to them since.

3. My grandfather on my father's side died a month after my grandmother. It's hard for me to remember much at that point.

4. My step-grandfather (who I was very close with) died a month after that. Again - it was all a blur.

Now, three years later I am dealing with what looks to be another death. I am distraught, yet I feel numb all over. I still am not over any of the other death's in my family, and if my grandmother passes away I feel it could push me over the edge. I have been thinking frequently about suicide - I know I would never actually commit suicide, but I can't quit thinking about what it would be like to just end it all.

I have talked to a therapist about my previous accounts of death, and it helped a little bit, but I currently cannot afford to return (I am a poor college student - and the campus therapist doesn't return until school begins). I was given anti-depressants when my mother first died, but I had a reaction to the SSRI's and was hospitalized. I am not allowed to take anything that increases my serotonin.

I just feel helpless. I don't know what to do. I work with kids daily at my job, and I don't want them to see me like this... I don't want my boyfriend or friends to see me like this either... but I don't know what will help. When my mother died I lost all contact with everyone. I locked myself in my room, literally for days at a time. I don't want to be in that place again... but I'm just ready to give up. I'm losing faith, I'm losing hope, and I'm losing will to live. Any advice?

yes..get ahold of your local mental health agency.they should be able to hook you up with someone to talk to and the fee would go according to what you could afford....you have dealt with so much in your 20 yrs.....but you can have a long wonderful life ahead of you...also....come here to the forums...people will talk with you.....listen and offer any advice they can......and if those suicidal thoughts get to be too much....call a hotline......you need help and its out there for you......all the wonderful folks here will help you too...hang in there......