[KUNDERWOOD]

My father fought lung cancer for two years. I took him to every chemo, radiation, cared for him for a week following each. It was a long two years and a horrible emotional roller coaster ride. He has now been on Hospice for right at six months. I feel I have been grieving this loss and he is still here with me, though barely. My psychiatrist tells me "focus on the good things, the good times". So much easier said than done. Every day I try and to no avail I fail. My mother committed suicide when I was a baby, therefore once he is gone I will have no family left. I don't know if I'm grieving for him or myself. Along with this I was recently diagnosed as bipolar I, having been treated for only depression for 20 years. I also live with an abusive husband. We are both in therapy and under psychiatric care trying to figure out what life is about. I am 40 years old and so far have not seen the excitement in life. I am controlled by all the "bad" stuff in my life and never find a reason to laugh or smile. I get angry with myself for grieving a father who hasn't even passed away yet. I want help, I want to smile, I want to feel emotions that aren't all negative.......just not sure there is any.

[bebop]

I am sorry you are going thru this. I too am going thru it so I know how you are feeling. As far as the abusive husband goes I have been there done that one too. I finally got tired of it and left. I had to do it because it was making me sick as well. I know it is tough right now but we all need some kind of laughter in our lives. If at all possible take some time for yourself. Find what attracted you to your husband in the beginning. talk here whenever you need to hon. YOU are not alone!

[notz]

Hugs to you both.