[senrab2000us]

I lost my friend to suicide. He was the love of my life, someone I thought I was going to marry. His name was Jeff. He was 21 years old.
He was my friend for 4years. I met him when I was 14 and he was 17. Our families didn't get along, so we'd have to find our ways to see each other without them knowing. We'd sneak out and go for walks together and stay up all night talking on the phone. Before I could drive, I actually snuck out and took taxis to the nearby city where he moved so I could just see him. I fell in love with him and never gave up hope for 4 years that we'd eventually end up being together for real. We were always just "talking" or "dating" but never a committed relationship. The hardest part was watching him be with everyone else but me. I gave up so much for him but he'd start pointless fights with me, brush me off and seemed like he didn't care. When he moved 200 miles away, I wrote him every week. Even when he dated my best friend, I was happy for him. My senior year of high school, he had a child with the girl he dated for two years, behind my back, cheating on me. By the time I was a junior in college, he had been friends with me on and off. Then one day he did the unthinkable. He appologized for treating me like a doormat for all those years I had been faithfully waiting for him to realize how much I cared for him. We started dating on 9/11 of 2009, and I was happy that it was finally the real thing, what I wanted in life more than anything.
In december, he lost his job. He totalled his car, and couldn't find another job. He was at rock bottom but I was there to help him apply for jobs, make resumes, for support and for whatever he needed. I loved him so much. He lost his job because he was stressed that we argued and he said rude things to his manager. He totalled his car because he was trying to stop me from driving away after that fight. We dated until January, when I got a job working at the police department. He was jealous of the time I spent at my job and how it became my main dedication. He refused to speak to me again. In march, I texted him to ask him if he'd like to be friends. He refused. Little did i know he was trying to work things out with the mother of his child, which I had always wanted him to do. Then one night in May, I felt so depressed out of the blue. I knew something was wrong.
That was the night he shot himself.
We believed that we would always end up together, and at times we could guess what each other was going to say. that night, it was like i felt his depression.
since i met him, he always talked about being sad, lonely, having no one, and "ending it all". I always blew his suicidal talk off. I regret that I did.
When I found out he died, I was numb and then I was angry at myself for not trying to help him. Then I felt relieved. I feel so HORRIBLE for feeling this way. I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. The years of tears, pain, and sadness he put me through came to an end. I felt relieved that his son wouldn't be in the middle of the constant arguments he had with his son's mom for no reason. I felt relieved his aging grandpa (my next door neighbor) wouldn't have to go into debt to pay his court costs resulting from him losing his job. I felt relieved his mom would no longer have to put up with Jeff saying mean things to her simply because she remarried. I felt relieved for his newly married coworker who took Jeff in when he had nowhere to live, even though the coworker really wanted to start a new life with his wife. I felt relieved that he finally found peace since he obviously couldn't find it here on earth.
I felt like the worst person for feeling this way. I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral since the mother of his child was going to be there. I wanted to let her grieve. He already knows how I feel for him...I went next door to his grandfather's house to offer my condolences. But because of a neighborhood homeowner's argument, he refused to speak to me. (He's on the opposite side of it). My parents found out about the loss. They never knew we dated, and when I was 15 (5 years ago) they made me promise to stop speaking to Jeff, although I never did. They trashed talked him once they found out about his suicide. The love of my life died, and I had no one to talk to. My parents didn't help, his family didn't help, and I have a few friends but after a while, they get tired of hearing about it.

I have only my parents who I'm not close to, and a little brother. I have aunts uncles and cousins but they don't speak with my family. My best friend said some pretty selfish and mean things to me, and doesn't speak to me anymore. I feel like I have no one. I'm a senior in college but I don't really know my teachers, and although I go to church, there's no one there that I'm close to. I'm so lonely and depressed. He was the one person who understood me, who I could open up to, and now he's gone. Even though he treated me horribly sometimes, those 5 years we were together were the most meaningful times of my life.

I feel like even though I'm highly successful in school and work, I have no one and nothing.

[Sabrina]

I am so sorry for your loss.