[Shadowghost]

Someone I was just talking to tried to convince me that I wasn't responsible for my brother's death. I can understand the reasons for this, but like so much else I see in the world around me, it's misleading. Will an attitude such as mine help me in any way? No, but that doesn't make it less true. The simple, inescapable fact is that I AM responsible, and nothing will ever change that. Why do so many people run away from uncomfortable truths? Why try to dress them up and disguise them? That won't make those truths go away, it won't change them one iota. Not wanting to believe I'm responsible for my youngest brother's death won't change the fact that I AM guilty. I hate it when people try to tell me I wasn't to blame! They don't know, they weren't there, they have no knowledge of the mitigating circumstances, yet they ignorantly presume to spew out such nonsense! I could forgive myself, but that won't change the truth either. A change of perspective doesn't change the fact that if you jump off a tall building, bad things will happen when you hit the ground! The same, the exact same principle applies to my brother's death, and for the same reason! Fact is fact, no matter how you look at it! Life isn't fair, or pretty. Life is hard, it is ugly,it is brutal. I'm not guilty of my brother's death? Ask him that if you meet him in the afterlife, he'll agree with me. Even if he wouldn't, the plain facts of the events surrounding his death tell the story of my being to blame. It's painful, yes, but I need my pain! It's part of what makes me who I am!

[Shadowghost]

Why do I blame myself for my brother's death? Why do I not forgive myself? The first question is the easiest to answer. He suffered chronic renal failure, he needed a kidney transplant. I donated one of mine to him, but his body rejected it eight months later. He was on a restrictive diet and undergoing dialysis three times a week. He wasn't following the diet his doctors put him on, and I knew this. I didn't do enough to make sure he adhered to the diet. I was afraid of speaking up and telling him he needed to stick to the diet. The day he died, I should have snatched out of his hand the orange juice he was drinking, as his potassium level was already too high. He knew this because he would suffer seizures whenever his potassium level was too high, and over time he learned to recognize the physical symptoms he'd feel as being associated with high potassium levels. He'd already told me earlier that day that his potassium was too high. Orange juice is high in potassium. He forgot this. It wasn't until we were at a friend's house that he remembered he wasn't supposed to be drinking orange juice, especially as his potassium was already high. Shortly afterwards, he had a seizure and died. I should have prevented this, I should have stopped him from drinking the orange juice. He'd be alive if I had. His son would still have a father. I wasn't paying attention to what he was doing, what he was drinking or eating. Someone should have been paying attention to these things since my brother had failed to. "Am I my brother's keeper?", that's what Cain asked God after he'd killed Abel. Yes, we are our brothers' keepers. I was my brother's keeper, and I failed. As to the second question, why can I not forgive myself, well... I guess the long and short of it is that punishment is due to me, since I failed in my duty as his brother. Yeah, I donated a kidney to him, but that kidney failed. Forget my brother's culpability for his own actions and their consequences, that's not germane to my duties and responsibilities as his brother. As I said earlier, since he was negligent in adhering to his diet, someone should have been helping him to, and that person should have been me. There are consequences for all our actions, and the consequences of my actions demand punishment for having failed in my duty as the oldest brother. Chad, my youngest brother, is dead, nothing can bring him back, not even my forgiving myself.

[thunderbear]

I am so sorry for your loss. In my opinion you are not to blame. Your brother knew his health issues better than anyone. Please be gentle to your self Shadow

[Shadowghost]

Thank you, Thunderbear. I appreciate your kind words, much more so than if someone had posted a reply trying to convince me that I'm wrong for holding the views that I do. I always react poorly to others telling me that I'm wrong in regard to my beliefs. Opinions are another matter, I don't care if someone disagrees with an opinion I have, or tells me my opinion is wrong, but mess with a core belief of mine by telling me I'm wrong, watch out!! So, again, thank you Thunderbear!!

[sabby]

Shadowghost, I am very sorry for your loss. I see you are suffering greatly because of it.

May I ask you something? Do you think your brother is holding you responsible for him dying? Do you think he blames you for his death?

I only ask, because I don't know what your relationship was like or what your brother was like and his beliefs.

I truly hope that you will find some peace Shadowghost. I believe you deserve peace.

[Shadowghost]

Sabby, my brother wouldn't have blamed me, but that doesn't change the fact that I am at least partially to blame for his death. I don't hide from the truth, or try to disguise the truth. Truth isn't always pretty, it can be downright ugly at times. I am always brutally honest with myself, because no one else will be. Everyone else tells me I'm not to blame, they tell me all the things they think I want to hear, they say all the things that a grieving person would expect from someone else, just for the sake of comfort. For comfort people swallow lies, for comfort they digest cliches, but I decided long ago that I wasn't going to swallow the shallow, artificial, things that people tell others in order to comfort them. What if those things aren't true? In my case they aren't true. I AM partially to blame. Will beating myself up bring my brother back? No. Nothing can bring him back. Dead is dead. Forever. Beating myself up won't serve any useful or practical purpose, either. But nothing can change the fact that I AM to blame, in part, for my brother's death. What my brother would have said doesn't matter, truth is truth. Even if my brother would have denied me any blame in his death, that wouldn't change the facts of the situation surrounding his death. The events leading to his death speak very plainly of my guilt, my share of the blame. It's something I just have to live with, no matter what.

[perpetuallysad]

Shadowghost, I am so sorry you feel responsible for his death. When my brother died (and still) I definitely felt as though I played a major part in his death. But now, 16 years later, I am finally, barely starting to see that we all make our own decisions. It hurts and I think when we blame ourselves we are trying to figure out a reason why it hurts, or a reason why they died. It's all unexplainable, at least, you cannot explain away the pain. You feel responsible, but logically you are not. He was an adult and in control of himself. I hope you can learn to be easier on yourself.

[KathyM]

((Shadowghost)) - my deepest condolences.

You loved and cared for your brother with all your heart (kidney too), and you tried your very best. You are a human being and so was your brother - humans make mistakes. Even "perfect" human beings make mistakes once in a while, and it can sometimes lead to death.

I get why you blame yourself for that one particular day, but it's not necessary to punish yourself. Overall, you were very good at being your brother's keeper. I'm sorry you couldn't be his savior too, but that's life - you are not God. Even if you had been extremely diligent in caring for your brother, it's possible it was just his time to go. Maybe he was meant to "forget" about the orange juice on that day, and maybe you were meant to hesitate from snatching the drink from his hand.

I'm quite certain your brother would not want this "unfortunate incident" to keep you from moving forward with your own life. You can honor your brother by living a good life.

[Shadowghost]

Thank you, Perpetuallysad, and KathyM. Your kind words mean a lot to me. I think sometimes I should be easier on myself, but mostly I'm not, because part of me believes I don't deserve to be happy. It's not logical, I realize this, but it's how I feel, and I can't change that. Wish I could, I wish someone could help me change that, but that probably won't happen.

[senrab2000us]

You have to think positive instead of negative because otherwise your mind will be closed to change, and you won't allow happiness into your life again. There are always "what ifs" about the past. What if you had done this differently, or that, maybe your brother would still be alive. This is true. But what about the "what ifs" for the future? What if you preventing yourself from natural grieving and accepting happiness into your life, is actually blocking certain opportunities in the future? Chances you'll never get back. Chances to help others, to be a better person? There are so many unknowns in the future, and although most of our life is in the past, you got to look towards the future. Don't take this the wrong way, but you have to live your life to the fullest, for your brother. He doesn't have a future to live, so you have to do it for him, and for yourself, and live the best life you can.

[KathyM]

Originally Posted by Shadowghost

Wish I could, I wish someone could help me change that, but that probably won't happen.

((Shadowghost))

I hope someone or something comes into your life to help you get started.